.
My Ego tends to drown out my still small voice even in prayer and meditation. My own egoic avoidance/distraction strategies typically include
Panic-mongering, and/or Flattery
-when it comes to major life-choices.
The question of whether I give up teaching and go back to acting, or just stay put is still troubling me. My ego keeps butting in; either warning me I will suffer financially/spiritually if I make the 'wrong decision', or it tries to convince me what I am doing is really great, how much I deserve recognition, approval, money, success, blah, blah. Discernment and inner alignment becomes impossible as my Ego just can’t seem to keep its trap shut. I can't get clear reception because of the static interference.
Freedom or service…? Creativity or security…? Love of art, or mature, responsible living…? Accountable to my talent? To God? To my heart… ? Common sense???
Aaaahhhgghhh!!!
It feels far TOO important right now I choose wisely :-( I guess what I really mean is I desperately need objectivity and detachment (if that's not a total paradox!) from my fear and my vanity, and be capable of resting quite content with whatever my heart/soul finally decides.
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1 comment:
Oh Mark its not arrogant to want to use the gifts that God gave you. The fact that you are unhappy is not because of pride, its because you know that you are not using your gifts to the full extent that they were given to you. And maybe you are unhappy because you know you could give so much more of yourself and serve better by being true to your calling.
I do not want to speak for you, so please please forgive the presumption, but I think you have far more scope to give of your soul if you are doing what you love. You love it for a reason! It will channel all your powers in a forward direction...it does not mean you need to PUSH it in a direction, but if you surrender it will happen for you in the right way!
Staying in your job that you hate is not humility, surrendering without knowing how God is going to support you is humility.
Alas it is all too understandable how that is such a hard thing to do and I do not pretend to make any judgement on how difficult it is...
But I can see how doors are opening for you slowly and this will keep happening. Don't wrestle with the decision, just watch those doors open and move when you are ready.
I haven't started on my reptiles yet...well not really! It must be very confusing...
Look forward to seeing you soon :-)
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