.
My Ego tends to drown out my still small voice even in prayer and meditation. My own egoic avoidance/distraction strategies typically include
Panic-mongering, and/or Flattery
-when it comes to major life-choices.
The question of whether I give up teaching and go back to acting, or just stay put is still troubling me. My ego keeps butting in; either warning me I will suffer financially/spiritually if I make the 'wrong decision', or it tries to convince me what I am doing is really great, how much I deserve recognition, approval, money, success, blah, blah. Discernment and inner alignment becomes impossible as my Ego just can’t seem to keep its trap shut. I can't get clear reception because of the static interference.
Freedom or service…? Creativity or security…? Love of art, or mature, responsible living…? Accountable to my talent? To God? To my heart… ? Common sense???
Aaaahhhgghhh!!!
It feels far TOO important right now I choose wisely :-( I guess what I really mean is I desperately need objectivity and detachment (if that's not a total paradox!) from my fear and my vanity, and be capable of resting quite content with whatever my heart/soul finally decides.
.
Saturday 27 September 2008
Wednesday 24 September 2008
Saturday 20 September 2008
Tally's Blood 2
'
Last night’s read-through was a real pleasure, and what a relief it was to discover my instincts with the casting are vindicated. I’ve assembled a lovely collection of people with a wealth of talent. It’ll be lots of fun working with them. Having said this, I’m afraid I ended up having to read in for one character. This was because I had been forced to sack the actor playing Luigi (CZ) before rehearsals had even begun. He’d decided to relocate to Oxfordshire without telling me after I’d cast him back in July! He informed me he had enlisted on a TEFL course down there, starting at the beginning October, and wouldn’t be able to make rehearsals for four weeks. He asked me if the theatre would refund his travel expenses to commute from England, as well as find digs for him! When I told him this wasn’t possible he begged to sleep on my sofa. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him as he’s obviously experiencing mental health issues, having only just discharged himself from a psychiatric unit, and is currently homeless. Despite being perfect casting for the role of Luigi, and by all accounts an amazing actor, in the end I was forced into the difficult decision of letting him go. I tried to do it gently but he wouldn’t take the hint. When the penny did finally drop he became angry with me; but, as I told him, I have to think of the team.
CZ “You’re under-estimating me, David… I can do this.”
Me “My name’s Mark.”
CZ “-Huh?”
Me “Mark... My name’s Mark.”
CZ “Sorry, yeah, of course. Mark. No, as I was saying, you’re under-estimating me… I can do this... Please, you’re not listening to me… There’s no problem. No problem at all... All I’m telling you is I need this… I need this chance to prove I can make it as an actor, that's all David.”
…And so he continued, calling me David, and pleading with mounting desperation at the end of the line, as I got later and later for work.
In the end I just have to remind myself I’m not his carer, I'm only a director. Is that harsh??? India, my wonderful assistant, confessed she’d become increasingly uncomfortable speaking to him. She’d spent so much time and effort trying to get him to commit to rehearsals and still he kept refusing to be pinned down. The only rehearsal he would promise to attend was the read-through itself. But when he told me yesterday morning that he wasn’t going to come to that either, well I guess my patience-, which was by now hanging by a thread anyway- finally snapped.
For some strange reason he’d keep speaking in Italian to India over the phone (which really unsettled her, as she’d already told him she couldn’t understand the language) in their hour-long conversations! All she'd wanted to know was when he was coming up! I can’t help but feel guilty that India’s detailed rehearsal schedule, on which she’d worked so hard, is already totally obsolete. But at least now he’s gone she can relax..
What it is that attracts me to casting a token loony in every show I direct? The last three shows I’ve directed have almost come unwound because I’ve cast a wild-card nutter. (I’m thinking of D.W. in Anna Karenina, Remi R. in A Hard Heart and now CZ in Tally’s Blood).
Hearing the script read aloud confirmed to me that Tally’s Blood is not great drama. It is simple entertainment. It has heaps of emotional warmth and sentimentality, but it isn’t by any stretch of the imagination profound art. The action and dialogue requires a light, unobtrusive touch from me. The pace and rhythm of rehearsals need to be kept rapid to maintain buoyancy and the actors’ energy levels. Nothing need ever be laboured, or too heavily weighted with interpretation, as that would only strip bare the weakness in the writing. Massimo’s monologues are clunky and incongruously abstract. There are too many superfluous stage directions- often the sign of an inexperienced playwright; the characters are corny and the relationships are clichéd... I love it though- I can’t help myself.
The issue with CZ disconcerted me at a personal level, not just for his sake but because it forced me to think again about my decision to forsake the financial security of salaried employment next summer. I don't want to end up like him. I fear ending up poverty-stricken, needy and desperate. I know that I won’t be able to sign on for the first 13 weeks, and my savings are only going to keep us going for 3 months at the most. My more courageous friends who strive to make a living from their art alone are constantly struggling to make ends meet, and live in constant debt even when they've managed to make a name for themselves. With the recession beginning to hit home, matters are likely only to get worse. My resolve is being severely tested, and I can’t help but fret I may be in danger making a foolish decision. I want so much to be able to trust my Inner Satnav, but common sense tells me it is going to be a rocky road ahead. The sensible part of me is tempting me to play safe:
“ What’s so wrong with continuing to do both- acting and teaching- just as you’ve done for the past 15 years?” it whispers.
Get thee behind me!
Still, I haven’t handed in my notice yet, and my boss is off sick for the time being, so this has bought me a little more time to consider things. I must achieve some clarity about this before I proceed. I have to ask if it’s really just that my timing is wrong. Should I just be patient and wait another couple of years…?
I'm annoyed at my weakness. Prayer and meditation are not of real help to me right now for some reason. I can't seem to hear Him properly. WHY?
"Eli, Eli lama sabachthani...?"
I'll write about what I decide next weekend.
.
Last night’s read-through was a real pleasure, and what a relief it was to discover my instincts with the casting are vindicated. I’ve assembled a lovely collection of people with a wealth of talent. It’ll be lots of fun working with them. Having said this, I’m afraid I ended up having to read in for one character. This was because I had been forced to sack the actor playing Luigi (CZ) before rehearsals had even begun. He’d decided to relocate to Oxfordshire without telling me after I’d cast him back in July! He informed me he had enlisted on a TEFL course down there, starting at the beginning October, and wouldn’t be able to make rehearsals for four weeks. He asked me if the theatre would refund his travel expenses to commute from England, as well as find digs for him! When I told him this wasn’t possible he begged to sleep on my sofa. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him as he’s obviously experiencing mental health issues, having only just discharged himself from a psychiatric unit, and is currently homeless. Despite being perfect casting for the role of Luigi, and by all accounts an amazing actor, in the end I was forced into the difficult decision of letting him go. I tried to do it gently but he wouldn’t take the hint. When the penny did finally drop he became angry with me; but, as I told him, I have to think of the team.
CZ “You’re under-estimating me, David… I can do this.”
Me “My name’s Mark.”
CZ “-Huh?”
Me “Mark... My name’s Mark.”
CZ “Sorry, yeah, of course. Mark. No, as I was saying, you’re under-estimating me… I can do this... Please, you’re not listening to me… There’s no problem. No problem at all... All I’m telling you is I need this… I need this chance to prove I can make it as an actor, that's all David.”
…And so he continued, calling me David, and pleading with mounting desperation at the end of the line, as I got later and later for work.
In the end I just have to remind myself I’m not his carer, I'm only a director. Is that harsh??? India, my wonderful assistant, confessed she’d become increasingly uncomfortable speaking to him. She’d spent so much time and effort trying to get him to commit to rehearsals and still he kept refusing to be pinned down. The only rehearsal he would promise to attend was the read-through itself. But when he told me yesterday morning that he wasn’t going to come to that either, well I guess my patience-, which was by now hanging by a thread anyway- finally snapped.
For some strange reason he’d keep speaking in Italian to India over the phone (which really unsettled her, as she’d already told him she couldn’t understand the language) in their hour-long conversations! All she'd wanted to know was when he was coming up! I can’t help but feel guilty that India’s detailed rehearsal schedule, on which she’d worked so hard, is already totally obsolete. But at least now he’s gone she can relax..
What it is that attracts me to casting a token loony in every show I direct? The last three shows I’ve directed have almost come unwound because I’ve cast a wild-card nutter. (I’m thinking of D.W. in Anna Karenina, Remi R. in A Hard Heart and now CZ in Tally’s Blood).
Hearing the script read aloud confirmed to me that Tally’s Blood is not great drama. It is simple entertainment. It has heaps of emotional warmth and sentimentality, but it isn’t by any stretch of the imagination profound art. The action and dialogue requires a light, unobtrusive touch from me. The pace and rhythm of rehearsals need to be kept rapid to maintain buoyancy and the actors’ energy levels. Nothing need ever be laboured, or too heavily weighted with interpretation, as that would only strip bare the weakness in the writing. Massimo’s monologues are clunky and incongruously abstract. There are too many superfluous stage directions- often the sign of an inexperienced playwright; the characters are corny and the relationships are clichéd... I love it though- I can’t help myself.
The issue with CZ disconcerted me at a personal level, not just for his sake but because it forced me to think again about my decision to forsake the financial security of salaried employment next summer. I don't want to end up like him. I fear ending up poverty-stricken, needy and desperate. I know that I won’t be able to sign on for the first 13 weeks, and my savings are only going to keep us going for 3 months at the most. My more courageous friends who strive to make a living from their art alone are constantly struggling to make ends meet, and live in constant debt even when they've managed to make a name for themselves. With the recession beginning to hit home, matters are likely only to get worse. My resolve is being severely tested, and I can’t help but fret I may be in danger making a foolish decision. I want so much to be able to trust my Inner Satnav, but common sense tells me it is going to be a rocky road ahead. The sensible part of me is tempting me to play safe:
“ What’s so wrong with continuing to do both- acting and teaching- just as you’ve done for the past 15 years?” it whispers.
Get thee behind me!
Still, I haven’t handed in my notice yet, and my boss is off sick for the time being, so this has bought me a little more time to consider things. I must achieve some clarity about this before I proceed. I have to ask if it’s really just that my timing is wrong. Should I just be patient and wait another couple of years…?
I'm annoyed at my weakness. Prayer and meditation are not of real help to me right now for some reason. I can't seem to hear Him properly. WHY?
"Eli, Eli lama sabachthani...?"
I'll write about what I decide next weekend.
.
Thursday 11 September 2008
Listening and Acting
'
Two inspiring and thought-provoking snippets emerge from my recent reading, which I want to note here.
Firstly:
'Former CBS anchor, Dan Rather, had a tough time interviewing Mother Teresa.
“When you pray,” asked Dan, "What do you say to God?"
"I don't say any thing," she replied. "I listen."
Dan tried another attack. "Well, OK... when God speaks to you, then, what does He say?"
"He doesn't say anything... He listens."'
And from Quaker Faith and Practice (21.32)
"Along the paths of the imagination the artist and mystic make contact. The revelations of God are not all of one kind. Always the search in art, as in religion, is for rhythms of relationships, for the unity, the urge, the mystery, the wonder of life that is presented in great art and true religion."
'
Two inspiring and thought-provoking snippets emerge from my recent reading, which I want to note here.
Firstly:
'Former CBS anchor, Dan Rather, had a tough time interviewing Mother Teresa.
“When you pray,” asked Dan, "What do you say to God?"
"I don't say any thing," she replied. "I listen."
Dan tried another attack. "Well, OK... when God speaks to you, then, what does He say?"
"He doesn't say anything... He listens."'
And from Quaker Faith and Practice (21.32)
"Along the paths of the imagination the artist and mystic make contact. The revelations of God are not all of one kind. Always the search in art, as in religion, is for rhythms of relationships, for the unity, the urge, the mystery, the wonder of life that is presented in great art and true religion."
'
Saturday 6 September 2008
Tally's Blood 1
'
Tally’s Blood is an extremely popular play in Scotland: up there (-or do I mean ‘down there’?) with the likes of The Steamie and Men Should Weep in terms of its profile and reputation. But the critics may well have a point when they claim this status is undeserved. I have to take this into account before I get steeped in the rehearsal process and can no longer be properly objective. Tally’s Blood is not of the same calibre as Romeo and Juliet, it never pretends to be, even though it ostensibly deals with similar subject matter. But it feels important for me to acknowledge its shortcomings before I go into rehearsal. It’s probably unkind of me but I can perfectly understand why some would think the drama is about as multifaceted and complex as an episode of River City or Home and Away, with characters that are just as conventional and 2-dimensional. However the sentimentalist in me can’t help but have a soft spot for it. Call me soppy and simple-minded but it makes me laugh and cry, even if it doesn't make me think. Only the intellectual snob could condemn it utterly. It never pretends to make any serious demands at all on the audience. It deals with notions about romantic and parental love that never go beyond the blindingly obvious and trite. It is not by any stretch of the imagination what might be called a ‘deep’ drama. It’s pure, shameless entertainment. Now, because I am used to directing plays that only four or five people ever really want to see (and those four usually belong to the chin-rubbing cognoscenti), Tally’s Blood is clearly a very different kettle of fish.
Imagine my surprise and delight (-quickly supplanted by crushing dread) when I discovered that 400 tickets have already been sold. Yikes. It is still 10 weeks before we open. I fully cast the play just yesterday, yet the theatre tell me the tickets are going like hot cakes, with almost a half of the 10-night run completely sold out! This has never happened to me in 30 years, either as a director or as an actor.
Even though Tally resembles nothing more than a soap opera (albeit with socio-historical scruples) this doesn’t mean it is going to be a piece of cake to direct. Far from it. I foresee much work to be done in terms of deprogramming the actors who may believe they are required to dig deep. Their journeys will involve un-learning, just getting them to relax, have fun and not give themselves a hard time. Most of them are highly versed in performing far more sophisticated dialogue, and they must be discouraged from over-complicating things by trying to be clever, or worse- agonising over their characterisations, or dwelling on ambiguities where there really are none. Clever-clever, meta-theatrical references and allusions to "the Artistic Process” which I’ve been so enamoured of in my past work would be utterly out of place here. Di Mambro’s play is an uncomplicated piece of populist, ‘rom-com’ nostalgia with a token PC stab at the serious theme of racism. Full stop. Rosinella, Lucia, Hughie etc- all are bog-standard tellyfodder archetypes. It will be enough for it all to be played in primary colours. Simplicity must remain the watchword. It’s not high art by any stretch of the imagination, and any attempt by me to impose a directorial interpretation that seeks to ‘enhance the writing’ in smart ways will merely ensure the show dies a death. Keep it really simple, Mark… and rehearse it fast! Get the laughs and those tear-jerker moments and you won't go too far wrong.
I like the fact that the play is about love. That is important to me. But di Mambro isn’t trying to be poetic or high-minded about any of this. I'd just be happy if I can shame a few hard-bitten cynics into dabbing away moisture from the corners of their eyes.
60% of the director’s job is really to do with my casting it properly. I like to think I have done this, although time will tell. Meanwhile I’m just really looking forward to getting the cast together and starting properly in just over a fortnight’s time.
Imagine my surprise and delight (-quickly supplanted by crushing dread) when I discovered that 400 tickets have already been sold. Yikes. It is still 10 weeks before we open. I fully cast the play just yesterday, yet the theatre tell me the tickets are going like hot cakes, with almost a half of the 10-night run completely sold out! This has never happened to me in 30 years, either as a director or as an actor.
Even though Tally resembles nothing more than a soap opera (albeit with socio-historical scruples) this doesn’t mean it is going to be a piece of cake to direct. Far from it. I foresee much work to be done in terms of deprogramming the actors who may believe they are required to dig deep. Their journeys will involve un-learning, just getting them to relax, have fun and not give themselves a hard time. Most of them are highly versed in performing far more sophisticated dialogue, and they must be discouraged from over-complicating things by trying to be clever, or worse- agonising over their characterisations, or dwelling on ambiguities where there really are none. Clever-clever, meta-theatrical references and allusions to "the Artistic Process” which I’ve been so enamoured of in my past work would be utterly out of place here. Di Mambro’s play is an uncomplicated piece of populist, ‘rom-com’ nostalgia with a token PC stab at the serious theme of racism. Full stop. Rosinella, Lucia, Hughie etc- all are bog-standard tellyfodder archetypes. It will be enough for it all to be played in primary colours. Simplicity must remain the watchword. It’s not high art by any stretch of the imagination, and any attempt by me to impose a directorial interpretation that seeks to ‘enhance the writing’ in smart ways will merely ensure the show dies a death. Keep it really simple, Mark… and rehearse it fast! Get the laughs and those tear-jerker moments and you won't go too far wrong.
I like the fact that the play is about love. That is important to me. But di Mambro isn’t trying to be poetic or high-minded about any of this. I'd just be happy if I can shame a few hard-bitten cynics into dabbing away moisture from the corners of their eyes.
60% of the director’s job is really to do with my casting it properly. I like to think I have done this, although time will tell. Meanwhile I’m just really looking forward to getting the cast together and starting properly in just over a fortnight’s time.
'
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