There's No I in Failure

My intense relief that I managed to actually survive the training with Anna Helena Maclean over the past fortnight is wonderful, and nice to have finally performed as a class in front of an albeit smallish audience too. We also know something more about each other's strengths and vulnerabilities as artists, and plenty about each other's intimate parts thanks to all those gymnastic routines! I had real issues with the way the work was directed and structured. The narrative of the three Euripides tragedies- Iphigenia at Aulis, Elextra and Oresta- on which the presentation was meant to be based was so cut up that the audience would not have been able to follow most of it. I am not a dancer by any stretch of the imagination so moving and gesturing to 11/8 or 5/4 rhythms was- how do I put this politely- a challenge. And I found the Ancient Greek, the Romany and Polish polyphonic folk songs difficult to pick up. I am certainly not used to work that is quite so director-led. I know from what classmates have said to me that all our tolerance levels- physical, mental, emotional and professional- were at some stage of the process piqued. Tears were shed on more than one occasion, blood spilt, bruises sustained, shoulders dislocated and backs and knees put out of joint. At one point an ambulance had to be called and one of the cast had to be hospitalised. His arm’s still in a sling but he’ll be OK. However we pulled together terrifically well as an ensemble, and despite some injuries and bruised egos we're all still here. People were kind enough to say some encouraging and positive things afterwards- comments by fellow cast members and the audience (including my tutors Bill Wright, Mark Saunders as well as my Polish friend who is a great fan of this kind of work, Agnieszka Bresler who runs Gappad Theatre) about my own contribution as an old, grotesque, comic goat. Most of all they all remarked on what an impressive ensemble vibe was evident in the presentation; a vibe that had been less obvious in the 2nd year BA acting students' Gilgamesh project two weeks ago, also directed by Anna Helena. I'm still not convinced the class presentation worked entirely but hey, we pulled together and we did it and that feels good right now. What was it Kirk said in Coronation Street a few weeks back...? Ah yes-

"There’s no 'I' in 'Failure'."

This Is Where I'm Coming From

The end of my first week on the RSAMD MA course.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...

It has been even more full-on than I had even anticipated. And from what I can glean it will only get more intense over the following 12 months. I still feel an overwhelming mixture of feelings-confusion, fear, excitement and hope, but more than anything else I feel so enthused, inspirited and grateful for the opportunity to focus my heart, mind, body and spirit soley on what I care most about in all the world 24-7 unspeakably thrilling. I might as well have arrived at the gates of Heaven itself. I don't expect anyone who is not an artist to understand this, and I know it will come across as totally lovey (-Why am I so afraid of this?)... Yet it's utterly true, for me

This week one of our RSAMD tutors gave us all our very first homework exercise. This was to bring in a photographic self-portrait on Monday morning, taken in a location of our choice, of us holding a 10x8 card displaying the legend:

THIS IS WHERE

I’M COMING

FROM

I asked Jim, my 80-year-old Friend, now retired with Parkinson’s- but a former professional photographer- if he would be kind enough to take a picture for me yesterday in the Quaker Meeting House. Normally I loathe pictures of myself (although curiously enough I always really enjoy seeing photos of me wearing the masks of my characters) But this is beautifully done I think; so, if you're reading this, Jim, thank you.

I strongly uspect I will be forced to give a short and witty explanation about the image in tomorrow morning's 'Creative Beginnings' class. But I’ll do so with great trepidation. I'm very wary at such an early stage in the course of being labelled as some sort of religious nut, although those who of you who know me are well aware I am really no such creature! But there's no avoiding the fact that my being a Quaker artist does strike at the heart of who I am at a ‘soul’ level. It is indeed “where I’m coming” if I am to be completely honest. My faith informs my art. Yet to admit as much invites the risk of being pigeonholed by my peers and lecturers as downright weird from the word go. I would have preferred for this information to emerge later, but hey, I'm just gonna have to trust the process, hoping that it’ll just accelerate my learning if I get used to hiding nothing from my classmates from the off.

I don’t want to embarrass folk or make anyone in the class feel uncomfortable by talking about my passion for this peculiar brand of spiritual mysticism and it's relationship to my work as an artist. However I will do so if absolutely necessary, and speak as 'adventurously' (A & Q 27) and courageously as I possibly can.

Briefly then, I intend to describe to the class the meaning and purpose of silent worship, and meditation on the inner light- and how that relates to my artistic work. All I can hope for is that I am not mistaken for some sad, fundamentalist dogmatitist or narrow-minded fanatic. Religion has such a bad name after all. In self-mitigation I might tell them at the start that famous Quaker actors include Paul Eddington, Judi Dench, Sheila Hancock and Ben Kingsley. I will then go on to mention the so-called 'Quaker testimonies’ and how each relate to my work:

· Truth

· Equality

· Simplicity

and

· Peace

And I will finish by saying: “All of these have a bearing on every aspect of my life- but, as an artist, it is through my acting that I worship most expressively.”

At this morning's Quaker meeting it felt so 'gathered', and the time passed unusually quickly for me. Many of today's ministries really 'spoke to my condition' as they related to one of the Advices and queries which one of the elders read out at the beginning of the hour:

“7. Be aware of the spirit of God at work in the ordinary activities and experience of your daily life. Spiritual learning continues throughout life, and often in unexpected ways. There is inspiration to be found all around us, in the natural world, in the sciences and arts, in our work and friendships, in our sorrows as well as in our joys. Are you open to new light, from whatever source it may come? Do you approach new ideas with discernment?”

This goes to the heart of how I aim to approach this year of intensive study- reflectively, from a spiritual perspective, drawing together the inner and outer work, aiming towards a deeper sense of who I really am and what I do with that as an artist.

Our acting tutor, Ally de Souza, has urged us all to keep Reflective Practice Journals (or RPJs)- more of which in future blogs- but this is something I have already been doing for the past 27 years of course. But just knowing that our tutor will be taking an active and critical interest in what he called 'The Invisible Artist within us' through reading and reviewing these reflections is so inspiring to me- music to my ears in fact!

I have already had the most AMAZING week... and as far as I can tell it's only going to get better.

As always, I will keep you all posted. :-)