"What do you believe that you can act like this?"

Message on plaque at the main gate of Dartington Hall

"Artists are specialists in the spiritual sense, otherwise they are puppets and nothing else.” Michael Chekhov

George Shdanoff: Misha, what are we doing here in Hollywood? We did not become involved to make better actors for Louis B. Meyer.

Michael Chekhov: We are not making better actors for Louis B. Meyer. We are helping people to grow spiritually, George, to become better human beings.

“Spiritual values are more concrete than concrete things”. Michael Chekhov

I love that apocryphal story about Michael Chekhov who, having just finished the first night performance of Hamlet, was pursued by crowds of Russian people as he rode in his carriage through the streets of Moscow, yelling after him:

“What do you believe that you can act like this?”

I long for my audiences to ask the very same question. That said, I am not in the least interested, nor have I ever been, in religious propaganda, a la Riding Lights etc. The artist is not a catechist, as Thomas Merton would have it. But I want the practicality of Love to make such an impact on my process the spectator is awe-struck. I long, through my work, to inspire in him a deep hunger for more knowledge about how to expand and express his own divine potential. I aim to heal, to in-spire and en-courage with my acting; and then to entertain and enlighten. Now I can continue to try to do this through my teaching, but I know I do it much more effectively through my acting.

Of course I do still retain a lower ego as an actor that fights for attention with its silly aspirations and vanities, its desire to be noticed and feted; and it continues to insist on getting in the way of my higher purposes despite my best intentions. But my aims have notwithstanding deepened since i began meditating- and they have begun to embrace a larger, more universal intention since I saw that plaque outside Dartington Hall (above) back in 2005. And as part of this deeper awareness and 'spiritualising' of my acting process these aims have become more refined and clarified. And of course part of this process in reconnecting with my divine purpose as an artist is my decision to apply for drama school- ideally (idealistically!?) to go much deeper into applying the lessons in a concrete way which I have been learning through my reading, meditating and writing in the abstract these last few years. I have always somehow known that an actor must train to develop the ability to grow spiritually. The two things have always been inseparable for me in fact, even though I have for one reason or another (usually inspired by fear) gone through lengthy periods trying to deny it. It's actually this symbiotic union that attracted me to acting in the first place-. It was always the most powerful means for exploring my spiritual potential, for tapping into higher levels of wisdom, being and compassion. Was it Artaud who said that the actor is an apprentice god? This is territory the lecturers, tutors and directors at the RSAMD will never go anywhere near of course! It will be up to you to take care of this core aspect of your development as an artist, as indeed it always has been your own private responsibility. Yeah, they'll teach you techniques and methodologies, but that is the end of the story as far as they are concerned. They cannot give you more talent, or make your soul grow. That must remain your own private business. Thankfully your own Inward Light can continue to be your own private tutor, your personal acting coach and guide, on call 24/7. It is this inner light which is the primary source and access point for your creative power as an artist. It offers the gift transformation, the promise of transcendence. No-one else can give you this beauty, nor indeed can they take it away. At least at MA level, where you are much more responsible for your own learning, you can continue to nurture this Inward Light by meditation and psychophysical means as part of your own daily discipline, and your Quaker faith, without interference from them- embodying the infinite potentialities and inspirations offered you by your Higher Self whilst the college lecturers suggest ways to apply it. Your inner guide will be a reliable way of sifting and organising the help they can give you, and selecting those teachings that may be used to help you become a better performer, and discarding those that will not. The RSAMD is an educational institution: they assess and grade students by empirical, objective means. This is of course total nonsense, but they have not found a way of measuring artistic success, or managing to give it a credible, quantitative evaluation. Because acting is primarily a qualitative, intuitive, non-intellectual activity when it is done well, they will never be able to teach you anything profoundly helpful. They cannot give you this. Their job is to offer students certain techniques and methodologies. It is then up to me to take these means (or not) and use them as function of the Holy Spirit.

If acting were that simple to quantify, then they could bottle the magic that great acting generates and put it in the college water supply. But acting is not a science. Because educational institutions attempt to appraise and calculate it in this absurd manner it is easy to dismiss the merits and value of such establishments, but as an artist who is hopefully on the threshold of entering its portals I need to accept and understand the limitations of their tools for assessment, and chooses to work within them. I must remember that all human measurements of artistic talent or 'worth' are flawed and inadequate. As Michael Chekhov said: "Acting is meditation". It cannot be measured. Knowing this makes me feel even less nervous about going higher now, because it is not my lower ego making me do this. God is. I am ascending because the intention is to take the work into the wider world. (I did not say my work- I said the work.) I am merely an ambassador, a humble channel for this stuff- a servant, a messenger. This is no false humility. The drive to act emanates from the divine, not from little 'Mark Coleman'.

King Lear (2006)

These past 4 or 5 years have been about gradually breaking free of this small-minded bondage, the impure intentions of feathering my own egoic nest that had corrupted my work for so long. In place of the mediocre aims of getting rave reviews for my work, or simply nurturing my own inner growth as an artist in order to become more impressive- what might be called politely art for art's sake, but is really art for my own sake!- it has become more and more about His sake- the desire to share something authentic and enriching through acting, to create better, more compassionate characterisations and so inspire other human beings in the audience- to herald the arrival of a kingdom of heaven, if you like, where people understand the true power of faith, imagination and belief to alter their reality. To, in the end, say something that will survive me. I have begun to grasp that the function of art- my function- is so much wider- not just in a token , intellectual sense- but so much more on a macro level, making a contribution to society and the wider world, to the soul development of Mankind. This is why I want folk to be moved to ask the same question that the crowds asked after seeing Michael Chekhov perform Hamlet.

And what do I believe?

It can summarised in three words:

All is Love.

with Cathal Quinn in Keats in Limbo (1994)

A simple message of course, especially when expressed in such bald terms- no doubt a fatuous one when written down or spoken aloud, but it is a message that keeps engulfing me (!) and all other voices in my daily meditations, one I can't ignore. And it is a call from a non-space of non-action to act authentically in space and time. I instinctively know that from this one perfect gift of divine wisdom is spawned everything else needed for the abundant life of creation.

Love as compassion. I am yearning for my audience to hear this silent call to embrace their fellow man with infinite, unconditional compassion. Meister Eckhart said "God's best name is compassion."

The actor's art is the Art of Compassion. I can think of no better definition. The actor enlarges his talent by seeking processes that enable him to embody compassion more and more... and more fully.

To make the ‘Inner’ content outwardly manifest- faithfully and authentically, to embody through the actor's psychophysical means Love into the world- through giving, giving, giving.

This must be your mantra as you prepare to study at drama school:

To give...

to give...

TO GIVE.

Don Juan in Don Juan Comes Back from the War

(Odon Von Horvath) (1993)

Memories... (Part One)

My old computer printer finally went kaput Friday evening, so yesterday I went shopping in PC World and forked out £50 on a combined printer, photocopier and scanner. Ouch. :-(

But what a fabulous toy!

And so I spent most of this afternoon scanning old photographs from old theatre scrapbooks into my Facebook page, and wending my way down memory lane. Theatre is so ephemeral. I regret to say I have little to help me recall much of the first 10 years of my stage career (1976-86) in my sporadic collection of memorabilia. From Goldberg in Theatre Worshop for Youth's (TWY) production of The Birthday Party- my very first part at the age of 16- right the way through all the plays I did at college, up to and including my first TIE tours, and playing the Drum Major and the Fool on a Woyzeck tour with that Aberystwyth company (Theatre West??) which Tony Hopkins and Simon Callow saw me in and they waited around afterwards to tell me how much they'd admired my performance!- oh, and Ariel in The Tempest at the Sherman in Cardiff in 1986 are a blur. This was a period when I played so many characters- everything from a one-man Dr Faustus to the nasty Mr Breaker in Penny the Paddlesteamer- that I've actually now (perhaps mercifully) forgotten what most of them were. I was never one for wallowing in nostalgia, a second-rate emotion at the best of times I always feel. Besides, I know only too well that as an actor you are really only as good as the part you've just done, or the the one you happen to be working on at the moment.

But maybe it's because the last role I played was over 7 months ago- and I am missing the smell of the grease paint- that I felt I needed to cheer myself up with a bit of restropective musing over 'past glories'. It was only when I came to Glasgow in 1987 to do the one-man show, Hess, (playing the 90 year old Rudolf Hess in Spandau) and met Karen and she gently suggested it would be a good idea to keep a record of the plays I performed that I began to collect all this bumph- reviews, articles and photographs , etc.

Rudolf Hess in Hess (1987)

Even then I didn't keep everything. It's because of this I can't remember much at all about the work I did with Theatre Racoon during 1987-88 (Saul in True West, someone or other in Don Juan, another character in Mrozeck's The Prophets, a Salvation Army nutcase in Womberang, Len in Pinter's The Dwarfs as well as a couple of shows I directed- Father Murphy and Mrs Brown, written by my pal Alex, and Pinter's One for the Road) Becket in Murder in the Cathedral (Filboid Studge) , the tours I did with Winged Horse (as Austin in True West) or Annexe (Trevor in The Surrogate), my early experiences of the Edinburgh Fringe (1984, 1985,1989, 1991 and 1992- including The Apple; Courteous Men, Songs of Jericho both directed by successful film director Ed Blum, and Strawberry Fields directed by a wonderful actor, Adam Godley, who since gone onto greater things- including winning Olivier award for a biographical drama about the late Kenneth Williams, as well as starring opposite Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), Mozart opposite Ian Aldred's Salieri in Amadeus, the various parts I played in Aida, The Merry Widow, Der Fledermaus and Oedipus Rex for Scottish Opera or Sam in Awake and Sing! at Watford Palace in the late 80s and early 90s, not to mention all those BBC Radio 4 plays I did and those bits and pieces of telly. I did happen to keep a couple of photographs of things though...

Dr Sugar in Suddenly Last Summer (1988)

This one was me playing Dr Sugar at the Edinburgh Fringe in Suddenly Last Summer in 1988 I think. I remember that the only reason I agreed to do it was because my hero at the time happened to be Montgomery Clift who had played the role in the film version...

...Much better than me in turned out!

And then there was a new play in 1990 called The Deal with a company by the name of American Connexion.

With Robert Cavannah in The Deal (1990)

The action was set in the world of dodgy business in Pittsburgh where I was a good fella entrapped into a dodgy deal by an FBI agent provocateur posing as my buddy. This production was very enjoyable experience, and we worked a lot with Meisner repetition and objectives. My colleague from that, a very fine actor by the name of Robert Cavannnah, went on to star in movies opposite Angelina Jolie.

As Jimmy Hunsinger in The Deal (1990)

So much for my early career. My old girlfriend, Pauline Males, says she has an old photo of me in a play when we were at college circa 1979-80 (although neither of us can remember the name of it) in which I played a camp Restoration fop. She says she's going to email it. I'll include it here next time if she remembers. Can't wait to see that.

Of course a great deal is missing here- but if there is anyone out there in cyber space who remembers directing or acting with me during the late 1970s, 80s and early 90s who may have had better sense than me to hang onto old photos of the shows they did please get in touch! I intend to do a few more follow-up instalments taking it up to the present day. As time went on I tended to get better at keeping photographs and reviews, etc.

The Deal (1990)

More to follow...

"It takes 20 years to become a master actor"

So said Sanford Meisner.
So the Master Actor is… what?

He is the actor who is connected to his Higher Self.

Prospero in The Tempest (2008)

The next question then is: How do I become this Higher Self?

This question has been one that I have spent the last 18 months trying to answer, certainly since Anna Karenina, and in some senses way before that- perhaps for as long as I have been alive. I can remember sitting in the Razed Curtain meetings trying to come up with a sanitised, acceptable version of what I think our work should have been about but I felt embarrassed to share my spiritual focus- for fear of not being business-minded or ‘realistic’. I made every effort to make my own version of the mission statement sound less wishy-washy but I could help but feel it just came across as vague and unfocused anyway.

I wouldn’t have the same problem now.

Much of the spiritual and artistic journey to becoming one's Higher Self consists of asking the right questions. Michael Chekhov would sometimes admonish his students for asking what he called "unborn questions", and I guess that for most the last 30 odd years I have been acting I have been asking unborn questions. It was only when I hit upon the Sanaya Roman books about Spiritual Growth and Personal Power that I began to realise that I had been barking up a series of wrong trees, seeking inspiration in the wrong places, putting too much faith in the guidance of others and not enough in my own inner wisdom for a start. The question how do I become my higher self strikes close to the one I really need to be asking when it comes to my acting; for if it truly is my vocation, or at least helps me to access the higher realms, then I have to open myself up to the answers such a question might reveal in order to align myself with and hopefully connect with the Divine Source.

And the first answer I got to this question was quite unexpected:

You already are your Higher Self!

It is the self, the Me that unifies all the limitless and infinite aspects of your divine soul, all the possible combinations and outcomes that are inherent and implicit in you, and could potentially communicate with the universe. The Higher Self is the access point for an infinite number of soul dimensions. With the right inner work this Higher Self can be made manifest in your work. But what then is “the right inner work”? Well first and foremost all this depends on you believing the incredible truth that this Higher Self is a reality, and not just an imaginative construct. As an actor you are used to attributing the imaginary circumstances and characters you inhabit with as much truth as you can so that they become true to the audience. It is about paring away the unnecessary, so that the higher values and qualities are revealed. Acting is a spiritual process that has much in common with the mystics journey of discovery which yields to a shocking and revolutionary principle that all notions of personal identity on our plane of existence is maya: illusion, that despite the apparent flaws in or nature we are each of us capable of being perfect channels for the divine, and allowing that Self to explore those selves through visualisation, imagination and the embodiment of the Ultimate in order to enlarge one’s sense of who one might be at a soul level. And the point is not so much what you do in your daily life or which profession you have. Whether you are a road-sweeper or a doctor, an office clerk or a waiter- well, it makes no difference really. What really matters is your “state of being,” the energy that you send forth, the energy that you are. It is not what you do but who you are that is the source of transformation. And as an actor you can be all these people and more.

Acting is one of the most effective tools available to mankind for channelling those inner, transcendent dimensions in an intensely creative and deeply inspirational form. It works on the same principles as the law of attraction we have heard and read so much about in recent years. Potentially, we are all nothing less than beings of gargantuan spiritual power, able to download extraordinary levels of wisdom, beauty and sublime insight. You can plug yourself into that power and download whatever you require for your journey- like a Blackberry with infinite memory. The responsibility is so scary that many cower and run from it: they pretend to themselves and the world they are mere artisans, and as Marianne Williamson says they choose to shrink so that others won’t be intimidated or humiliated, our deepest fear being the realisation that we are powerful beyond measure. But the power I am talking of does not humiliate other souls- though it may scare their egos into realising they have settled for far less than their divine inheritance! No: work that is generated and fuelled by this light gives other souls as Williamson says “permission to do the same”.

So how do you do this then?
Let me try and make a list. I love and loathe lists at the same time. Lists are made by the intellect, and tend to encourage a ‘ticky-boxy spirituality’: i.e. Do all this and, hey presto, all will be well. But there are no real shortcuts to this though, because your soul depths already operate by these rules. The trick is to align the spirit and the heart and the mind to all operate according to the same principles- only then can the power be made manifest through the following means. So then- the list:

What you must do with this power is...

1. Trust the universe, the divine will always support you, making your path lead ever higher. All you need do is believe.
2. Believe that help is given to you the moment you ask. Learn to listen for that voice. This is what your life has always been about, and you are so very close to the critical mass point where you explode with love. And ‘the semen of your being will come into the cunt of the universe’, as you once so eloquently said to Derek Pryor 25 years ago while high on lager, sulphate and magic mushrooms!
3. Develop the talent for listening to the loving thought as opposed to the fearful one.
4. Choosing honesty over pretence.
5. Root yourself in the heart of intuition and love, rather than the egoic, thinking mind
6. Feeling your own soul’s understanding of beauty is always preferred to society’s understanding of it. Always.
7. Access your playful inner child and lure him out of hiding.
8. Use your intuition with grounded discernment. Often it will tell you things that seem… well… obvious. Enter the imaginary body and feel the psychological changes imbue every cell and seep into your heart, mind and spirit.
9. Know that you really do create your own reality
10. Remember to connect to the divine source on a daily basis- meditate, pray, say hi and say thank you
11. Think always of service to others, rather than yourself, because you will otherwise remained mired in illusions and egoic thinking.
12. The goal is to live your highest life as highest self and you cannot help but serve others
13. Your goal, your higher purpose is to heal, to enlighten and encourage.

But our souls are immensely powerful- so potentially awesome in fact that we have created an illusion and then lived it as if it were real in order to accomplish larger, much more noble goals for ourselves. It doesn’t tend to work though because we become divided and separated from the Truth of Love which remains invisible.

A faithfully embraced and fully-committed heart-relationship with your higher self is required. When the connection with your higher self is at least as important and as real to you as any of your other relationships, once you trust it enough to follow and obey its guidance faithfully, you will experience “critical mass.” You are closer to achieving this than you ever have been in your life. The universe is starting to cooperate as never before as you align yourself to your inner connection to truth. Meaning and opportunity abound and multiply. Connection happens when you act on your vow of devotion to higher service- to the healing and enlightenment of others, rather than trying to accrue praise, money or nourishment for your own ego. When the Universe then trusts it can rely on you real transformation occurs. You now discover your hidden gifts and realise your astonishing untapped divine potential by logging onto that inner programme that’s been around since the universe’s beginning–your Soul. Following through on your inner guidance helps you become aware of incredibly precious and beautiful gifts that have remained buried in the secret corners of your soul from the beginning of time.

All actors- all souls!- have a common, universal and divine purpose (to learn, to grow, to serve etc.) as well as a specific purpose based on individual identity (to act, to make people laugh, to heal, to inspire, to comfort). This suggests that the individual, the personality or “ego” should not be “negated”, but actually accepted- and yes!- accentuated. You have been ashamed of the apparent “selfishness” of being an actor in the past. Your response to George Docherty’s email which had been intended as a message of support for applying to the RSAMD but which you interpreted as a reminder of your selfishness, illustrates better than anything else how much of a tender issue this is for you, despite all the inner work you have done to get you this far.

After all, the bridge between this world and the kingdom of heaven that many of us yearn for lies with each of us fulfilling our own life purposes, using our individual gifts and talents. Your gift which you have devoted your life to developing, Mark- your extraordinary, divine talent- is for acting. This is not selfishness though, because your soul has always known that despite the praise you get for it, despite the joy you get from doing it- it liberates and inspires others. How heartening it was to come across a review of the last play I performed in (Tango, in May) yesterday.

“The situation is saved by the stunning Mark Coleman as Stomil, Arthur's father. His relaxed acting and lovable wackiness makes him stand out among some indifferent and tame performances.” The Skinny

Stomil in Tango (2008)

You have worked towards seeing from the soul’s perspective for a long time now, Mark- and your spiritual vision is to sharpen still more. This review was a wonderful encouragement to keep on developing my talent along spiritual lines, especially after I had been feeling at a discouragingly low ebb these past few weeks, wondering why no one appeared to be offering me any acting roles. I loved the fact that I managed to make such a flawed and arrogant character “lovable”. But actually this is not really about ego (well, not much!), actually it is more about recognition that I am not wrong! and that somehow God has been working with me on this role all along. I committed to applying deep, spiritual principles learned and expanded from Michael Chekhov about the Higher Self and Love to my work on that role, and that it happened to amuse and thrill one other person- in this case a young Polish girl who happens to write for a freebie magazine. It sounds disingenuous I know but in the end that one response really does make that work all worthwhile. Her words filled me with pride- but a good pride; with a humble gratitude to God for her encouragement that I am travelling on the right road. It’s not selfish to feel this way. If it were then it would please me to have Marta’s direction and the other performances in the production slagged off. It so doesn’t. It really upsets me, in fact, and I think it must have upset Marta too. That is why I perfectly understand why she preferred to keep the review’s publication a secret from everyone involved in the production for the last 7 months.

This time ahead as you apply for the RSAMD offers you such amazing opportunity, as an explorer and a vehicle for truth and freedom. I am already thinking deeply about writing my dissertation about the Higher Self and its practical use to the actor. This inner power, the soul’s power based on love, is what will turn this planet around. The spirituality of acting is such an important area of research that many of the academics prefer to ignore. They are throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

The time for this ‘new’ way of being is NOW. You as an actor are to be part of this movement and ascension up to the next evolutionary level of the art and the society it influences and helps to change. You will go as high as you can imagine. Everything you can imagine becomes real from now on.

But still, your own emotional body is very sensitive to fear, to anger and aggression and to all strong sentiments which easily pull you out of your centre. This was illustrated in the way you responded to the Anna Karenina debacle last year. In trying to unravel exactly what went pear-shaped then you have been required to stop blaming others and instead take responsibility for the emotions you feel, examining them and following them back to their source(s). In this process of internalization you do not search for the cause(s) of your problems in the outside world anymore but you look for them within yourself. Thus you take responsibility for your own energy and that is one of the most important things you have been learning in your spiritual life and will continue to learn through your acting, teaching and directing too.

Prospero in The Tempest (2008)

There are 3 danger-areas for you.

Firstly- Spiritual anger (if that isn’t too much of an oxymoron!).

In the past I have interpreted this as a creative energy, a drive for perfection, but actually unless used in the correct way it can so easily become very destructive! The desire to help and change things often contains a form of spiritual anger although this may go completely unnoticed. After all you seem to simply “want the best” for other actors or for the audience. But surely there is anger inside you when you feel inclined to force somebody – no matter how subtly – to change their behavior or their emotions. You get very impatient and it takes you out of your centre, away from the creative source. Often you do not notice that the time is not yet ripe for change.

This inner rage and itch for perfection feels like inspiration but it takes you away from your soul. There was a secret meaning behind the suffering incurred during this time. Each person involved- Dean, Sarah, me and all the others were there to unfold, to express and to learn more about what it is to be human and spirit at the same time. Each one of us proceeded according to his or her own path of development. And I was being asked by God to respect this, to take a step backwards and to concentrate entirely on yourself, on your own light. Instead I banged my gavel in judgement. You vibrated hate and rage for what they were doing wrong. You took on the responsibility for being their moral and artistic compass because you didn’t trust that they had to find their own way. There was no need for you to stand on the barricades. There was no need for you to fight. You should have walked away when you realised it was happening, instead of staying out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, and egoic preservation of your desire to be proved right.

Roverini in The Talented Mr Ripley (2005)

It’s strange but even though acting should be about actions, the emphasis your way of working has is really not about doing but being. When your spiritual energy is in balance, the healing energy you send forth to others flows easily and effortlessly, without physical or mental exertion. It feels light and smooth, not exhausting to you. You find your flow. Things, ideas, inspiration and people show up as if by magic on your path and turn to you for healing.

Each time you lock yourself in your righteous indignation and anger, even if it concerns injustice or suffering that you find unbearable to witness, you need to have the courage and patience and wisdom to just step backwards and move into the center of yourself. A state similar to the one you get into when meditating. Enter the silence and accept that things are as they are. Accept that everything completes its own cycle and has its own development, including the people who are dearest to you. Set them free, as the Kinks song says. Trust that it is enough ‘just’ to be there.

You ended up being blamed for the fall out during Anna Karenina, but your desire to be right was what alienated everyone. Sarah accused me of trying to force my spiritual principles onto others. It was a humiliating realisation but many months later I was able to come to the realisation that she was damned right even though I had been appalled at being blamed for this at the time.

So much for Anger.

Then there is Melancholy.

Feelings of depression or gloominess originate from low self confidence. Intellectually perhaps you may understand perfectly well that you carry a spiritual light within, that you are a sensitive, compassionate and wise soul. But the wounded 3 year child inside you, still standing at the top of the stairs looking down at his mum, still yearns for recognition and appreciation from the outside world. You cannot deny that there is a part of you that craves external attention and safety. The trouble is you can never get enough of this. You can’t find the sort of recognition you really seek because you are different. Others can’t recognize the real you and therefore cannot acknowledge and nourish you.
Your wounded, inner child will never be healed by something from the outside but only by yourself, your own power and wisdom
You are very prone to this kind of spiritual melancholy. The answer is to rekindle your Inward Light in order for the heavens then to fan it into a raging fire again. This is where the Quaker thing has really helped you. The Quakers remind you you are light.

And the third obstacle after anger and depression is plain old Fear. Particularly the fear to do with a lack of trust in your own inspirations, feelings and intuitions. If you doubt your own feelings, you worry a lot and you invoke a whole series of emotions which take you further and further away from your centre
Fear blocks the actor’s intuition. When the intellect and the emotions gain the upper hand ican easily create stage-fright and chaos. The intellect and the emotions need the intuition, the heart as a foundation. Only then can they serve you in a useful way when you’re acting.

Pedagogus in Electra (2004)

Set yourself free from worry and to go back to your heart. What do you really feel underneath all those restless thoughts and confused emotions? In breathing calmly down to your base chakra you are able to go back to your foundation. Then you may feel a relief valve deep within, a point of silence beyond thought and emotion. You may then choose a certain thought or emotion.
…
Every time you make contact with this inner center and take a step backwards you will find a renewed clarity within your soul- something changes at a very deep level- however imperceptable. From there you can observe your feelings and emotions without being absorbed by them or attached to them. You can watch your anger and send it love. You can observe your depression and offer yourself a healing hand. You can see the smallness of your fear and send it the energy of deliverance and transcendence.

You have now an armoury of tools for countering the negative energies of anger, depression and fear. For instance, the silent worship of the Friends’ meetings, your spiritual reading, your prayer and meditation discipline, your spiritual journal, your acting, your teaching (Yes, incredible as it may seem…teaching- But working with teenagers alerts you to all three of these spiritual pitfalls, and forces you to face them and overcome them. At last this time is coming to an end and you are going to conquer the limiting ideas of having to be a guy named “Mark”, of being anything somehow less than perfect, of being just material or thought energy. You can be Love and Light).

This is all heavenly nourishment you have been given just in the last 2 or 3 years.

It may be a cliché but there is much truth in it: as an actor you have access to the soul’s multidimensionality and in fact live many, many lives. At an early age you adopted the personalities and tics and habits and gestures of those closest to you. Your mother worried that you seemed too easily influenced, that you appeared not to have a strong enough sense of who you were (In actually fact she was saying that she was afraid I would never make an impact on the material world if my ego as so apparently swayed by the influence of others. She would say, “What’s the matter with you? Haven’t you got a mind of your own?”) But people like me are in fact powerful once they find their niche at least because they are not quite so trapped in their identity. I could morph, and this scared your mother, because she didn’t realise who you were any more. She identified the Mark she knew with the everyday Mark and not the soul that inhabited his body, the larger and universal energies that could take up residence within his energy field and transform him into many different people. Some of those energies were acceptable to her and others were not. But you were able to learn that you can shed your own egoic attachments when necessary- even for a little while- and can glimpse and show others something of the human’s potential to be Godlike and become anything they imagine themselves to be. In time you learned how to shed those energies once they had served their useful purpose. This is an incredibly powerful gift, and it is often really only a glimpse that is given, as if by flashes of lightning if you’re lucky, but then it is through acting you are able to gain far more access than many others, who are not able to live a life where they can connect with their own true life purpose and see it from so many different perspectives. In your case, as an actor you live many lives, inhabiting many dimensions, many hearts and minds. It is a tremendous privilege and it IS what you came to this earth to do. Teaching has been about trying to show others how to do this, but this coming year you are going back to actually doing it. You have done your time, serving others through the dense fog that is teaching and we in heaven have now seen that the time is now right for you to go back into the profession. But preparing for all of that will involve you going to college for the foreseeable future, getting training.

So then, how can you be the truly multidimensional, spiritually protean actor God intended you to be? How does one employ one’s multidimensionality in such a way that one can move freely through the many dimensions and levels of being and yet not lose touch with one’s divine spirit?
Being multidimensional from a place of wisdom and awareness: that is your chosen spiritual destiny. It is your destiny to become a fully conscious multidimensional creator with God. This is the path of the mystic.
Release the illusion of linear time and become more than just your body. Your purpose in this regard is fulfilled through acting. Do not be ashamed of this.
Acting gives you the opportunity of being consciously multidimensional.
But when you get stuck in holding limiting beliefs such as “I’m not good enough,” “That isn’t done,” “This’ll just go wrong,” etc., you sink into the illusion of separation, the earth-bound oblivion. You are trapped in the quagmire of linear time, the illusion that you are a body, the illusion that you are separate from God. In this way, the soul gets temporarily “stuck” and then in the habit of dwelling in the lower realms of creativity. Settling for less. The soul forgets about its true origins, its divine freedom... and begins to die.
Acting is your way of remebering your own divinity.
You become an aspect of God.
An actors using his higher self is not so much a person as an energy vortex or pattern with an individual flavor.
The Holy Spirit externalises and expresses aspects of Himself in this way, driven by the sheer joy of creativity.
And your Higher Self makes the CHARACTER a unique soul.
Not even God can be entirely sure of the results. I like to think this is what He craves of the actor: not to know everything he will do, but to experience something new! You become a co-creator with Him, stepping into an empty space, , a space of potentiality, a space of unending possibilities.
The actor finds out that he can create many forms and live in them. Every form you inhabit as a conscious actor has a certain angle or perspective to it which enables “unformed consciousness” to experience things in specific ways through the embodiment of the imagination.
At this very moment, there is a layer of pure divine energy inside you, a layer of pure Light. There are also layers of confusion and fear inside you. But you can choose, at any moment, to be the Light self, the angel that you are. This is not something you need to develop, it is simply a part of who you are.

You are beginning to realise you no longer need to look up to spiritual masters, guides or angels. There is not one authority above you. You yourself become God and angel.

The easiest way to get in touch with your Light self is through connecting with the layer of pure Spiritual consciousness within you. And you now know hot to do this- by becoming silent on inner and outer levels. This silence is always present within you; you only need to become aware of it.

You are what some spiritual writers would call a lightworkers, working towards a greater awareness of oneness with Spirit. You have travelled into duality a very long way in your youth, and now you can hear a voice calling you, telling you you are ready to come back Home. And Home is not a static place of bliss, but a dynamic, creative reality of divine, multidimensional life filled with joy and light.

Keep your longing and determination alive- trust that impulse, for it will bring you Home.

You are a lightworker. This is better than being a journeyman actor. It elevates you, and lifts you above the thick fog that has often surrounded you in egoism, fear, anger, weary despair and the desire to prove yourself.

Sculpt with light and feel the love!

Acting reminds you of all the levels we exist on and how they come together to create what it is to be in this miracle we call life.

King Lear (2006)

The Master Actor first teaches himself, and then teaches his audience the law of attraction the truth that the light of faith combined with the compassionate will to Love can and does move mountains.

A long blog this, but I'm buzzing at the moment

:-)

14 favourites from Spoon River

Over the last ten years I have admired and grown to love the exquisite Edgar Lee Master's Spoon River Anthology (1915). Every time I go back to it I say to myself, "Wouldn't these make wonderful audition monologues?"

Well, here are some of the front-runners I am considering using for my RSAMD audition...


Edmund Pollard

I WOULD I had thrust my hands of flesh

Into the disk-flowers bee-infested,

Into the mirror-like core of fire

Of the light of life, the sun of delight.

For what are anthers worth or petals

Or halo-rays? Mockeries, shadows

Of the heart of the flower, the central flame!

All is yours, young passer-by;

Enter the banquet room with the thought;

Don’t sidle in as if you were doubtful

Whether you’re welcome—the feast is yours!

Nor take but a little, refusing more

With a bashful “Thank you,” when you’re hungry.

Is your soul alive? Then let it feed!

Leave no balconies where you can climb;

Nor milk-white bosoms where you can rest;

Nor golden heads with pillows to share;

Nor wine cups while the wine is sweet;

Nor ecstasies of body or soul,

You will die, no doubt, but die while living

In depths of azure, rapt and mated,

Kissing the queen-bee, Life!


Dippold the Optician

WHAT do you see now?

Globes of red, yellow, purple.

Just a moment! And now?

My father and mother and sisters.

Yes! And now?

Knights at arms, beautiful women, kind faces.

Try this.

A field of grain—a city.

Very good! And now?

A young woman with angels bending over her.

A heavier lens! And now?

Many women with bright eyes and open lips.

Try this.

Just a goblet on a table.

Oh I see! Try this lens!

Just an open space—I see nothing in particular.

Well, now!

Pine trees, a lake, a summer sky.

That’s better. And now?

A book.

Read a page for me.

I can’t. My eyes are carried beyond the page.

Try this lens.

Depths of air.

Excellent! And now?

Light, just light, making everything below it a toy world.

Very well, we’ll make the glasses accordingly

Faith Matheny

AT first you will know not what they mean,

And you may never know,

And we may never tell you:—

These sudden flashes in your soul,

Like lambent lightning on snowy clouds

At midnight when the moon is full.

They come in solitude, or perhaps

You sit with your friend, and all at once

A silence falls on speech, and his eyes

Without a flicker glow at you:—

You two have seen the secret together,

He sees it in you, and you in him.

And there you sit thrilling lest the Mystery

Stand before you and strike you dead

With a splendor like the sun’s.

Be brave, all souls who have such visions!

As your body’s alive as mine is dead,

You’re catching a little whiff of the ether

Reserved for God Himself


John Ballard

IN the lust of my strength

I cursed God, but he paid no attention to me:

I might as well have cursed the stars.

In my last sickness I was in agony, but I was resolute

And I cursed God for my suffering;

Still He paid no attention to me;

He left me alone, as He had always done.

I might as well have cursed the Presbyterian steeple.

Then, as I grew weaker, a terror came over me:

Perhaps I had alienated God by cursing him.

One day Lydia Humphrey brought me a bouquet

And it occurred to me to try to make friends with God,

So I tried to make friends with Him;

But I might as well have tried to make friends with the bouquet.

Now I was very close to the secret,

For I really could make friends with the bouquet

By holding close to me the love in me for the bouquet

And so I was creeping upon the secret, but—



Jonathan Swift Somers


AFTER you have enriched your soul

To the highest point,

With books, thought, suffering, the understanding of many personalities,

The power to interpret glances, silences,

The pauses in momentous transformations,

The genius of divination and prophecy;

So that you feel able at times to hold the world

In the hollow of your hand;

Then, if, by the crowding of so many powers

Into the compass of your soul,

Your soul takes fire,

And in the conflagration of your soul

The evil of the world is lighted up and made clear—

Be thankful if in that hour of supreme vision

Life does not fiddle.



Ernest Hyde

MY mind was a mirror:

It saw what it saw, it knew what it knew.

In youth my mind was just a mirror

In a rapidly flying car,

Which catches and loses bits of the landscape.

Then in time

Great scratches were made on the mirror,

Letting the outside world come in,

And letting my inner self look out.

For this is the birth of the soul in sorrow,

A birth with gains and losses.

The mind sees the world as a thing apart,

And the soul makes the world at one with itself.

A mirror scratched reflects no image—

And this is the silence of wisdom.




Francis Turner

I COULD not run or play

In boyhood.

In manhood I could only sip the cup,

Not drink—

For scarlet-fever left my heart diseased.

Yet I lie here

Soothed by a secret none but Mary knows:

There is a garden of acacia,

Catalpa trees, and arbors sweet with vines—

There on that afternoon in June

By Mary’s side—

Kissing her with my soul upon my lips

It suddenly took flight.




Lyman King

YOU may think, passer-by, that Fate

Is a pit-fall outside of yourself,

Around which you may walk by the use of foresight

And wisdom.

Thus you believe, viewing the lives of other men,

As one who in God-like fashion bends over an anthill,

Seeing how their difficulties could be avoided.

But pass on into life:

In time you shall see Fate approach you

In the shape of your own image in the mirror;

Or you shall sit alone by your own hearth,

And suddenly the chair by you shall hold a guest,

And you shall know that guest,

And read the authentic message of his eyes.




State’s Attorney Fallas

I, THE scourge-wielder, balance-wrecker,

Smiter with whips and swords;

I, hater of the breakers of the law;

I, legalist, inexorable and bitter,

Driving the jury to hang the madman, Barry Holden,

Was made as one dead by light too bright for eyes,

And woke to face a Truth with bloody brow:

Steel forceps fumbled by a doctor’s hand

Against my boy’s head as he entered life

Made him an idiot.

I turned to books of science

To care for him.

That’s how the world of those whose minds are sick

Became my work in life, and all my world.

Poor ruined boy! You were, at last, the potter

And I and all my deeds of charity

The vessels of your hand.




Griffy the Cooper

THE COOPER should know about tubs.

But I learned about life as well,

And you who loiter around these graves

Think you know life.

You think your eye sweeps about a wide horizon, perhaps,

In truth you are only looking around the interior of your tub.

You cannot lift yourself to its rim

And see the outer world of things,

And at the same time see yourself.

You are submerged in the tub of yourself—

Taboos and rules and appearances,

Are the staves of your tub.

Break them and dispel the witchcraft

Of thinking your tub is life!

And that you know life!



Flossie Cabanis

FROM Bindle’s opera house in the village

To Broadway is a great step.

But I tried to take it, my ambition fired

When sixteen years of age,

Seeing “East Lynne” played here in the village

By Ralph Barrett, the coming

Romantic actor, who enthralled my soul.

True, I trailed back home, a broken failure,

When Ralph disappeared in New York,

Leaving me alone in the city—

But life broke him also.

In all this place of silence

There are no kindred spirits.

How I wish Duse could stand amid the pathos

Of these quiet fields

And read these words




Sarah Brown

MAURICE, weep not, I am not here under this pine tree.

The balmy air of spring whispers through the sweet grass,

The stars sparkle, the whippoorwill calls,

But thou grievest, while my soul lies rapturous

In the blest Nirvana of eternal light!

Go to the good heart that is my husband,

Who broods upon what he calls our guilty love:—

Tell him that my love for you, no less than my love for him

Wrought out my destiny—that through the flesh

I won spirit, and through spirit, peace.

There is no marriage in heaven,

But there is love.



Frank Drummer

OUT of a cell into this darkened space—

The end at twenty-five!

My tongue could not speak what stirred within me,

And the village thought me a fool.

Yet at the start there was a clear vision,

A high and urgent purpose in my soul

Which drove me on trying to memorize

The Encyclopedia Britannica!



Emily Sparks

WHERE is my boy, my boy—

In what far part of the world?

The boy I loved best of all in the school?—

I, the teacher, the old maid, the virgin heart,

Who made them all my children.

Did I know my boy aright,

Thinking of him as spirit aflame,

Active, ever aspiring?

Oh, boy, boy, for whom I prayed and prayed

In many a watchful hour at night,

Do you remember the letter I wrote you

Of the beautiful love of Christ?

And whether you ever took it or not,

My boy, wherever you are,

Work for your soul’s sake,

That all the clay of you, all of the dross of you,

May yield to the fire of you,

Till the fire is nothing but light!...

Nothing but light!

Tally's Blood "THANK YOU"

“And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” (The Beatles)

Dear All,

Many of you know that Tally’s Blood was for me somewhat of a departure from the type of pretentious, arty stuff I usually do, both as a director and as an actor… But what an enchanting experience it was to work on this charming play with such a delightful team of people. A huge thank you each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for everything that you brought to the last 2 months of hard slog. Your professionalism, your good humour, your patience and trust in me, your generosity, courage and talent added up to something even greater than the sum of all its parts. The warmth and affection you showed for each other radiated in waves out into the auditorium, and what a joy and a privilege it was for me to witness the tears and smiles of all those leaving the theatre at the end of each night, having been power-blasted with all that love-energy for 2½ hrs! :-) I like to think that the friendships that have been forged amongst us will grow beyond this experience- and perhaps it's this that will give me my most cherished memory of this happy time. Each one of you can afford to take enormous pride in all you did to make this production a truly magical experience- not just for me, but for hundreds and hundreds of people all over this city.

In love and deep gratitude,

Mark x

As far back as I can remember I’ve been burdened with a deep-seated inferiority complex about my lack of intellect. This seems ridiculous to others who may be- on paper at least- less well qualified. Yet despite the nine O-levels, two A-levels, my good BA honours degree, and even that Distinction in Speech & Drama at Post Graduate level I still beat myself up for being thick. This stems from always feeling out of my depth as a child- treated by my parents and siblings, my schoolteachers and friends as if I was a bit soft in the head. I can now see that this was the impetus behind me studying so hard for all those years for all those bloody certificates and qualifications. I had a point to prove to ‘Them’, and to my self I suppose. And until relatively recently I have continued to flog myself to achieve some kind of academic status and credibility. And what a VAIN endeavour- in all the senses of that word! For what in the end does it all add up to? I have a career teaching others the same set of values, a career that extols the virtues of those silly academic qualifications. A career I have very little passion for any more.
I have a deep understanding and compassion for the academically challenged, but no sympathy at all for the lazy and wilfully ignorant who constitute the vast majority of my students. But, ironically enough, I reserve my most poisonous contempt for those who are gifted and lazy/ungrateful.. I earned all I have with blood, sweat and tears. I fucking worked for it without having any real natural aptitude. And yet I still find myself advocating the meaning of qualifications with no real faith in their importance- the chasing after the spurious and empty credibility of ‘decent grades’ and ultimately meaningless qualifications.

And yet here I sit in my study this evening, drafting an application for an MA in Acting Classical and Contemporary Text for the RSAMD. I ran out of space on the form listing all my qualifications and relevant experience. And yes, OK, it will be nice to have another piece of paper, assuming I get accepted on the course and do well enough; but- you know what?- for once in my life this is not why I am considering putting myself through the torture of formal education again. Because for once it isn’t fear of humiliation or failure that motivates me any more. It’s love.

And, yes, I know how just how lame that sounds. But these last two or three years I have begun to get in touch with transformations taking place at a very profound, ineffable level. I have found myself gradually shifting my focus away from the strivings of 'achievement' and egoic 'point scoring', and towards a far richer and more soulful- and actually quite self-effacing and humbling- perspective. And this is for me a paradigm shift. Of course to the outside eye I still look like I'm the same old me. But I’ve worked hard at finding a way through the fog of ‘adulthood’- a constructed identity that has grown quite dense around m. I've begun to value the importance of my latent gifts for connection with spirit- the child-like creative play where life has its true beginnings. “My Highest for His Best” has far less to do with being recognised for cleverness now than it ever has before. I have learned (un-learned?) to now be truly grateful for simple Passion and Devotion, to apply myself to the gifts of Kindness, of Faith to plain and untestable convictions. I know that far more than Knowledge and Understanding I seek Connection and Flow with my divine source- the Light, or the Seed, as we Quakers are wont to call it. Love. If I get accepted on this course it is not so I can improve my employment prospects. It's not so I can share my expertise with others in the classroom either. I am simply anticipating the unadulterated joy of expanding my consciousness at unplumbed levels, and most probably in ways I will never be able to fully articulate or justify to any one else. This will sound ridiculous to everyone else- especially other drama students and even the lecturers. I am looking to explore the profound union between my spirit and my art. But I can’t write that on my application form or I risk coming across as a time-waster/ wanker/ nutter. So I’m forced to trot out the predictable empty bollocks about 'augmenting my skils', 'enhancing my employment prospects', blah, blah, blah...

Utter shite of course. I don't actually care if they fail me.

No, this is something to do with becoming that ‘mystic without a monastery’ of which Caroline Myss speaks. (Actually, she was in Scotland for 3 days last week, lecturing at Findhorn and I would have loved to have gone along and met her if it hadn’t have been for Tally’s Blood.)
But right now it is much more important I know I am doing this for me…

For God.

And for Love. Pure and simple.
:-)

Farewell

Last night of Tally's Blood tonight.

:-(

I am feeling sentimental and nostalgic already. But I have to ask myself what in the end have these two or three months of work actually meant? What’s been learned? What contribution has been made to the world, if any, with this Tally’s Blood?

Well, first of all, I guess I’ve finally understood that it is more important to cast folk who have an aptitude for getting on with other folk, rather than always the best individual talents. It has confirmed for me that people’s egos can and often do corrode the love that might otherwise generate and anoint truly beautiful work. To their credit this wonderful team of mine worked in an unstintingly ensemble fashion, very close to old Chekhov’s ideal I like to think, without any overweening egos getting in the way.

I have also learned that I can use my own experience and abilities as a director to forge deep personal connections between people, and so create uncomplicated joy and straightforward entertainment rather than experiments and artistic ‘interpretations’- my usual brand of grim, brow-furrowing, chin-stroking, serious ‘Art’. And that is actually OK!! The pretentious critics and arty snobs can get stuffed!!! We sold out every night; but that does NOT mean we ‘sold out’! There is absolutely no reason to feel ashamed when you consider the seeds of love and compassion sewn in those who have been involved.

I have learned that my dear Karen has a richer talent than even I realised before, making the work look so easy, and capable of moving many people to affectionate tears and laughter as Rosinella. She has made the most of the gift I gave her when I cast her in the role, and this fills me with such pride. She made the part her very own; and, as many others have said, it is difficult to think of anyone else who could play the role so perfectly. And of course Karen herself has had an absolute ball. I really couldn’t have done this show if she hadn’t agreed to play the role- and, not to put too fine a point on it, the success of the production is due to her- and Robert’s- experience, humanity, generosity of heart, patience and talent.

I seem to have rekindled faith in my own abilities as a director; and despite all the stresses and strains the last time I stood at the helm of a production I can afford to take some pride again in bringing out the best in performers.

As cheesy as it sounds, this cast have become like a family and I will miss them. They are definitely going to miss each other.

And ultimately it is this, more than anything else, which gives me the most satisfaction: the fact that I brought these people together and helped forge those personal, creative bonds and so bring about something just a little bit magical in the process.

PS … And I think our audiences loved it too! :-)

Tally's Blood 7

I am overwhelmed with the response to Tally’s Blood. In all my 15 years at the Ramshorn- as an audience member/ actor/ director I have never known such vociferous and positive reaction to a show. It’s just astonishing the extraordinary levels of affection the actors are inspiring in those who come to see it. Every night the audience are in floods of tears and sniffles; there are warm gales of laughter, shrieks of delight and sympathetic “awwws” during the tender, sentimental moments; applause at the end of every single scene. Hormonal girls are even waiting at the stage door to pass on messages to the actors playing Hughie and Franco! And none of this is done ironically- which is surely saying something, given that the vast majority of the audience are hard-nosed teenagers. 35 of my own students came to see it last night and they were in raptures. I think they may have a little more respect for the advice i give them in the classroom now :-)

I know only too well that 15-18 year olds are, in many ways, perhaps the most difficult audience to please, even if they may not always (admittedly) be the most critically discerning. They can by turns be both cruelly cynical and sentimental, knowing and ignorant, enthusiastic and dismissive; yet I think it is a measure of our achievement that we have managed to pitch the show in such a way that we are able to appeal to the adolescent, whilst at the same time moving and engaging a more grown-up, theatre-literate demographic. This is because there are so many exquisite subtleties and nuances of observation to do with emotional psychology and the difficulty of love and human relationship in there too. Di Mambro’s writing does much of this, but it would be glaringly obvious to anyone if my production should somehow fall short of her vision of what the play should be in performance. My actors really are doing a fabulous job. I like to think she would find much to admire in our interpretation. I do hope she finds time to come and see it. I just hope the actors are not tempted to try 'to fix wot ain't broke' out of boredom, over-familiarity with the material or a desire to force growth. There are early signs this may be happening (-more of which below), and it must be stamped out now.

Some of the most positive reactions have come from adults, especially drama teachers. “Magical”, “wonderful”, “brilliantly directed”, “perfect casting”, “beautiful”, “the best show I’ve seen here”, “the best production I’ve ever seen”(!), “fantastic”, etc. They love the design, the acting, the choice of music, the direction, the composition of the blocking, and the clever use of set... etc. One middle-aged woman told me that she had seen several productions of this play over the years (where?) and ours was easily the best. The audience particularly warm to Hughie and Massimo’s characters; yet my Karen is attracting some of the best responses from the older and perhaps more astute and discerning members of the theatre-going public for her superbly judged reading of Rosinella Pedreschi. My friend Robert is particularly affecting too as her husband, Massimo. The pair of them are like twin pillars on which the rest of production rests.

The rest of the run is now completely sold out. And the whole cast and crew are lapping it up, of course! The theme of the play is Love, and so it seems perfectly in keeping that everyone involved- behind stage, on stage, FOH and audiences has been infected with that profound spiritual force too- not in a soppy way, but in a deep-rooted and powerful sense. Everyone concerned is really going to miss this show when it finishes. I couldn’t be more pleased. I’m now receiving several invitations from drama departments all over the west of Scotland, asking me to come as a guest speaker and talk about the job of directing.

But even now it is important that none of us grow complacent or cocky. I want the cast to keep the lovely ensemble feeling. There are early indications that the threatening shadows of ego-conflict are starting to loom, which India and I will need to keep a close eye on. Apparently there were some disagreements backstage after last night's show. India, Robert and Karen told me about them. Some actors (who must remain nameless) are making too much of their roles, trying to milk audience response with over-illustration and playing out- which tends to throw the production off kilter and steals focus from the thrust of the story while it places the emphasis on their acting. This is deathly, and must be resisted at all costs for the production to gel as a whole.

Ah, the perils of the Actor's Ego...!

I must be sure I manage these issues as sensitvely as I can, or the ensemble ethic could so quickly fracture and disintegrate. One of the main reason the play is such a success is because everyone involved has until now been so mutually supportive and trusting of each other. Without those precious and delicate bonds the whole thing might easily collapse like a house of cards. It seems my role is now less as 'Director' (the play is now up and running after all, and my job should be over) and more as 'Family Therapist'!

Me!?!! LOL

Tally's Blood 6

I realised last night watching a stagger-through of Tally’s Blood just why I find the moment at the end of Act 1 so moving when Massimo returns from Canada. It is for a similar reason that I find the scene where Hughie is trying not to cry so moving. They both trigger the same emotional memory in me that reminds me of an episode from my very early childhood.

I was 3 years old and my mother, due to complications, had been in hospital during the last month of her pregnancy before giving birth to my sister, Katie. For some reason I had been forbidden by my father to visit mum during that time. Perhaps he thought it would upset or confuse me. Dad and grandma had looked after my brother, Julia and me during that time. Eventually of course mum came home. I can still vividly recall standing at the top of the stairs as my dad carried mum’s bag from the car, my grandma held the door open, and my mother appeared looking radiant and strangely different with my new baby sister in her arms. I can remember mum saying to grandma how wonderful it was to be home and then noticing me as I stood at the top of the stairs looking down on all this. My mum smiled hesitantly... “Hello, Mark. Did you miss me? Come and say hello to your new baby sister,” I feigned diffidence, knowing that this was a rite of passage I did not want to make, for as soon as I acknowledged this new arrival the whole family dynamic would change forever and I would have to become grown up and responsible as I had been warned. It would become somehow real, and things would never ever be the same again.

My mum’s expectations of a sentimental homecoming were dashed. I remember she looked so forlorn and disappointed as she looked up at me. She was heart-broken I hadn’t run down the stairs towards her and hugged her with all my might. I overheard her whisper to my father and grandmother, “He doesn’t remember me.”

Of course I did. Of course I remembered who she was! But she had changed, and for some reason in some deep part of me I couldn’t help resenting this. I hadn’t been consulted about this new addition to the family. I was irrelevant. But I knew it would be unfair to take it out on this tiny baby, and the only person I could take it out on was my mother. She said she would always love me, that she had no favourites and I then I would put this to the test.

I had been a happy, affectionate and effusive child until this point. It wasn’t long after this day that I became haunted with recurring nightmares which continued into my adolescence, as I strived to maintain this stiff, unbending visage of emotional restraint and indifference, a stiff-upper-lipped mask of ‘bravery’ which my mother had told me was the measure of adulthood and maturity- the placing others’ needs before ones own. This was the genesis of one of the most destructive and hideously subtle reptiles in my First Mansion. I was being forced to grow up too early, and follow the example my mother set for “adulthood” which seemed to mean resisting one’s natural impulses and emotions; sacrificing one’s own emotional needs and who one really was in order to conform to the onerous and ‘inevitable’ expectations placed on you by the world to be other than one’s true self.
As far as I could see, although I could barely say my own name let alone articulate any of this the rules seemed to be as follows:

Don’t cry.
Don’t be jealous.
Don’t be “silly” (i.e. sensitive).
Always put others’ feelings, especially your younger brothers and sisters before your own.
Don’t seek attention.
Be seen and not heard.
And, (perhaps most wounding of all) suffer in silence.

Inwardly I was not at all ready for these twisted notions of Catholic sainthood (Was I ever??!!). And so it was that I instinctively protested in an insidious and passive-aggressive way. Of course I had never even heard of the phrase passive-aggressive then (- and I suppose in the early 1960s this pop-psychology phrase probably had yet to be coined!), but that didn’t mean I didn’t know how to manipulate others through such means. Now i look back on this I realise what a conniving wee bastard I really was! After all- I had ben tutored in such tactics at the feet of a true master- my own mother. Oh the irony of that! I decided in that very moment that I would use this opportunity to give her a dose of her own medicine and to pretend that I really didn’t remember her. When I sensed she was upset by this I remained where I was on the landing, peering through the banisters. I didn’t come running down to her, I just stared at her as if she were a stranger to me. To her I seemed withdrawn and taciturn, even afraid- which she interpreted as me having forgotten who she was (…How ridiculous! Of course I hadn’t forgotten who she was! My mother and father had always branded me as soft in the head, not very bright, and never granted me any real intelligence at all- but I wasn’t completely daft- or at least only when it suited me to be so!!).

I recall I got this strange feeling of going hot and cold at the same time- a surge of dark power coursing through my legs and chest. The plan I hatched and put into operation there and then was to thereafter withdraw all voluntary displays of fondness towards my mother- and only to embrace or kiss her when she asked me to, standing aside to allow my brothers and sisters to claim the lion’s share of her affection. In retrospect of course this was terribly cruel of me and upset my mother a great deal I suspect- and to be absolutely honest it hurt me a great deal too- but that was precisely why I chose to do it- BECAUSE I KNEW it would break her heart that I had locked away all signs of emotional dependence on her.

She'd hurt me by claiming to know how I felt, and this would be my revenge. She was turning this into some silly drama by pretending that I didn’t know who she was- well then, so be it. If that was the game, then alright I’ll play by your rules, mummy, and we’ll see who backs down first. Why should she assume that because she was my mother that she should have an automatic entitlement to my thoughts, my love, my identity? Hadn’t she been the one to tell me that growing up was about breaking free of ones parents and making ones own way in the world? OK then, so be it. This little boy’s heart had longed for attention which I felt was going to be denied me forever more, and lavished instead on this new arrival, my sister Katie, and my other younger siblings. All mum and dad’s time and energy from now onwards would be taken up with caring for my three younger siblings; my needs would remain secondary to theirs- perhaps rightly so one might think; but to my 3 year old mind this was sickeningly unjust. I didn’t feel ready to be abandoned like this. I would take charge of this and do it myself.

This was a defining event in my early life, and marked the beginning of my individuation process as a nascent personality, and generally fucked-up ego. And perhaps even more interesting and significant than this was the fact that this early episode was in fact the very first time in my life I ever remember pretending to feel something other than what I truly felt inside. What I mean is, this was the first time I ever ACTED! It perhaps set the mark for everything in my life that came after. Inwardly, what I felt was a deep sense of loss and betrayal- but I chose to mask this with a frosty and cold rebuttal- a deliberately constructed charade that I didn’t remember my own mother. She had made this possible, and I wanted her to live with the consequences of having created this situation. After all, if mummy was always right- simply because she gave birth to me- and if, as she also claimed, she knew me far better than I could know my own self, and could see into my inner thoughts- well OK, so be it; I will behave as if that were true- and then watch her suffer the cruel consequences of her assumptions. My acting became about blocking her from seeing my true feelings. My damaged ego was fuelled by an unconscious but toxic envy of my younger brothers and sisters, and a naked fear of rejection by my parents and a rejection of this new regime of self-sacrifice that was being imposed on me. I was going to show her the consequences of her arrogant and false assumptions, and see how much she liked being rejected by me. Of course I am describing something I could never really properly think through at the time. It is only now I can see what happened in that instant.

The reason I mention all of this is because there are two moments in Tally’s Blood that, for me, are somehow deeply redolent of that primal scene. One is where the 6 year old, Hughie, is explaining to Lucia that his mother needs him to be the big, brave man in the family now his father has died, and has been forbidden to cry.

And the other moment that moves me even more deeply comes just before the interval. Massimo Pedreschi returns home after 4-years' incarceration in a POW camp for enemy aliens in Canada. He arrives at the door, and he greets Rosinella, his wife, and then turns to his erstwhile daughter, Lucia (now aged 10). Lucia stares and waits awkwardly at the other side of the room, reticent and cautious, as Massimo extends his arms to her. But she seems not to recognise him- he has lost a lot of his hair; he looks tired, older, thinner.

"Lucia...?" he asks, searchingly.

Lucia pauses and then takes one tentative step forward… and then another, before she begins to accelerate, and then finally launches herself into Massimo’s arms as he lifts her high off the floor. The music swells to a crescendo and the lights dim to blackout on this tearful family tableau. All rather cheesy you might well say... But this sequence is so deeply poignant for me because it contains echoes and parallels with that episode when I was three, offering a kind of evocation and artistic reconciliation of my own past.

And the reason I think I wanted to direct this play is because these two moments move me so much. They are so redolent of my own 'primal scene'. I hope it isn't that I am in any way using this project as some kind of self-indulgent psychodrama workshop, but these moments certainly do offer me the potential for deep inner soul repair, and psychological healing.

Emotional and sexual repression, matriarchal control, Catholic exclusivity, that whole sorry paradigm of 'sanctification through suffering' and the denial of affection are all woven deep into my directorial interpretation of this play- and these themes are very recognisable to me and reminiscent of my own childhood.

Art as therapy anyone?

Tally's Blood 5

"I am certain of nothing but of the holiness of the heart's affections and the truth of the imagination. What the imagination seizes as beauty must be truth - whether it existed before or not - for I have the same idea of all our passions as of love: they are all, in their sublime, creative of essential beauty ... O for a life of sensations rather than thoughts." John Keats

A fortnight to go before we open. Eek! And it’s all come around so quickly. Christina and her army of set builders along with the cast and other crew will be coming in for the get-in on Sunday lunchtime, hammering, screwing, bracing and gluing. Ursula- a reformed character apparently- will be hanging our lights; Alan will operate sound (and although this is likely to make our cue-to-cue tech run drag on twice as long as it should, he’s solid and reliable fella and I know we’ll be able to trust him). Lighting desk duties will have to be shared between Karen Barclay and Francesca (at last a genuine Tally is a part of this production!!). Sandra, now back from her holiday in New York, and Lorraine, now finished with working for Susan’s White House Murders, will be rummaging in the Ramshorn store and various second hand shops over the next ten days ferreting out 40’s and 50’s hats, bags and costumes. It’ll be thrilling to see it all come together. Debbie has managed to source gas masks and old ginger boxes. Karen’s sister had two or three cornettis to choose from for the Bridget character. Debs and Linzi are doing a fabulous job as the stage management team too. And I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to learn Robert has a contact that can run up a set of Pedreschi logo white aprons for the cast. Dee is being a very patient jive choreographer- great to see her at work with Hughie and Lucia on the Blue Suede Shoes jive sequence. And of course India, my ‘glam assistant’, - although she is busy rehearsing Bruce’s radio dramas this week and won’t be with us again until Sunday- has been real pillar of strength, managing all the rehearsal scheduling, emailing and phoning round and all the general spade work I have neither the time nor inclination for. But in the end it will be the actors who will make this piece really fly. Yesterday the hair and make-up lady, Sharon, came into rehearsal to see a run-through of Act 1 for the first time. She hadn’t read the play and actually knew nothing about it at all. By the end of the first half she was sobbing her little heart out! God knows what she’ll be like when she sees what happens in Act 2! She didn’t strike me as the soppy type, but this is a very sentimental, heart-warming play, and it’s a great relief to know that it is not just India, the stage management team or myself it has this effect on. You’d have to be an extremely hard-hearted bastard not to be moved to tears by it I think.

I'm really looking forward to seeing it with the audiences. Everyone who has worked on this deserves it to be a really wonderful success.

:-)

Tally's Blood 4

.


I spent all of yesterday compiling the sound and music CDs. With some research and with Sarah’s kind help I’ve managed to compile a really nice aural accompaniment to the action. Music and sound effects are such key elements to creating atmosphere and nostalgia in this , and I think it will really add an extra dimension to the run on Monday. I'll ask Linzi to operate the deck.
The acting performances continue to grow- inevitably some faster than others, but with just under 4 weeks to go until we open I am feeling delighted with the progress we've already made.
Karen, Jennifer 1, Michael, John, and David are all now completely off-book. Jennifer 2 (Lucia) lags behind slightly the rest- but forgivably, as she has been busy performing in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest this past fortnight, and has only been able to attend weekend rehearsals for Tally’s Blood. However she is so well cast, even though I do say so myself, and is charming and very believable, even as a 5-11 year old girl in Act 1. Throughout the play, her relationship with Michael’s Hughie is very sweet but never remotely sickly, and it’s beautifully but effortlessly modulated. Michael too has invented some delectable little details for Hughie. It’s never laboured or over-stated though, and along with Jennifer 2 he is adding more and more delicately understated but highly effective physical and vocal touches to his characterisation. The audience will really connect with his character.

The only member of the cast I remain slightly concerned about at this stage is Robert (Massimo). Having had the pleasure of working with him on several previous occasions I know he will eventually find it, but Massimo is outside his usually playing range, and he is floundering a bit right now. Massimo needs to be comic, light, touching and warm. Robert seems disinclined or unable to learn the lines, and appears ill at ease with his own work. Of course, he has other things on his mind, having discovered last Monday that he’s unlikely to be able to continue with the university course he was so enjoying because he has been refused student loans- in which case maybe it’s perfectly understandable he comes in looking preoccupied and weighed down by stuff. The trouble is his current disposition really doesn’t go with the optimistic and spirited Massimo at all. I really want Robert to get much more fun out of Massimo, if only to make up for the shittiness of his own life outside rehearsal. I was relieved to see that it appeared to make a perceptible difference to his work the other night when I directed him to look for opportunities in the script to smile more. When Robert relaxes he radiates such warmth, but then he’ll relapse into melancholy again just when the scene needs another hearty injection of cheeriness. Robert still appears nervous and uneasy- ungrounded- as he constantly transfers his weight (Standing or sitting- he looks, quite literally, shifty!), and isn’t really finding a true fit with this avuncular, jolly character of whom it is said repeatedly everybody likes. It may just be he isn’t used to playing comedy, but he definitely comes across as too dejected and down-in-the-dumps for the positive archetype Massimo is meant to personify. Robert has shown me his Psychological Gesture of expansiveness for his character and it's very close to what I want from him, but I intend to have him explore and develop it further by irradiating it with a range of qualities such as Joy, Largesse, Honesty, Sunshine, Passion and Mirth. I do love working with him though. He has such a dry and sardonic wit, a smokescreen for a sensitive, kind and magnanimous nature. He buys us all sweets and biscuits and who wouldn’t love him for that ? :-)

Jennifer, as Bridget Devlin, is just great to work with. She takes direction so well. She is like an acting sponge, soaking up everything I suggest to her, and so delighted when I suggest certain nuances which she eagerly incorporates with subtle facial expressions that transmit many-levelled, emotional complexity and insight. How satisfying she is obviously thinking deeply about and working so hard on developing her part away from rehearsal. She has such sound creative instincts, and she absolutely loves her part. She’s just a real pleasure to work with. I can’t wait to see the scenes she has with Rosinella when they are performed in front of the full houses because I know the predominantly young audiences will really connect with Bridget’s tragic emotional trajectory. Jennifer makes her journey compelling.

John is also doing good work as Franco. What John lacks in experience he more than makes up for in stage charm and good looks. He too is an eager student. I do wish he was a better singer and dancer, but then the schoolgirls in the audience are going to love him anyway. He reminds me of a young Paul McCartney to look at. He needs to articulate with slightly more care and project his voice more in the intimate scenes with Bridget.

David has made Luigi his own and his comic timing of the scene with him, Rosinella and Hughie in Italy is a delight. Each time they run it now they find something to add that makes me laugh more. It’s one of my favourite scenes in the play, and I never expected it to entirely work when I first read it. David has the opposite problem to John in that he tends to over-project, but he takes direction well and I am confident that he will have adjusted this the next time he is in rehearsal.

Oh and then of course there’s Karen. What can I say? I may be biased but I love being able to work with my wife again- for the first time in about a decade I think. Accusations of favouritism and nepotism from those who auditioned for the part of Rosinella and didn’t get it will prove utterly, utterly groundless. She is so very funny in the role. She manages to balance Rosinella’s ugly and unattractive qualities and attitudes with a cathartic, livid energy that is actually very satisfying to watch. It seems odd to say this but this Rosinella’s actually at her most loveable when she is her most bitter, twisted and racist! Her hybrid Glaswegian-Italian accent is perfect. Her timing is just wonderful. I cannot tell you how relieved and delighted I am she agreed to play the role for me, and how fantastic it is to know she is having such an enjoyable time. I hope that directors and agents will come and see her in this and finally give her natural talent the chance to flourish in other leading roles. She amazes me with how she manages to make it look so easy and effortless.

I still don’t have a costume or a lighting designer, or any technical operators for the desk. We are also short of folk to build Christina’s set. These issues are starting to concern me a little, but it will come together, it always does. We have a production meeting on Sunday.

I can’t wait to see its effect on audiences. We have made such astonishingly rapid progress I have to trust we haven’t peaked too early! It’s very early days perhaps, but I think we may just have a hit on our hands! I am to say the least very, very proud of what we are doing.