As promised, although a little later than usual as I was awaiting a reponse from a friend who had agreed to answer my CBT questions:
1. What do I do well in the rehearsal room?
2. What do i not do so well?
In the end I managed to convince 3 out of the 4 close friends to respond. I share what they said with you below simply because once it's out in the public domain I can't continue to avoid dealing with the challenge of addressing the issues thrown up by what they said. It would be only to easy to forget or ignore what they shared with me if I just kept it in my private journal. I have decided to omit their names to protect the innocent; but the folk concerned know who they are and just how grateful I was to get such honest and helpful feedback.
Respondent #1
What you do well:
I said to you the other day that you have a wonderful laugh. It’s one of the most human sounds I know and it’s a glad and living laughter. You also show yourself to be acutely sensitive to people who are in emotional pain; I remember this with ______________ a few years ago. He was greatly upset and you took time with him and invited him back to stay at yours. I like that you love language and especially poetry and that I can talk about art with you without feeling the need to apologise for it (as I would with others)
I have seen you motivate people in such a way that inspires them to do better work than they might otherwise have done. You speak very well. In the rehearsal room you work hard. You are committed. You prepare. You are conscientious.
What you don’t do well
It is in the rehearsal room where I have found most difficulty with what you do. You can sometimes make your mind up as to how something should go and then become infuriated because another actor, or the director is doing something different from this. Whether you voice this anger or not people can feel it. All the light and humour goes out of you at these moments,. You often tend to seek final form in beginning rehearsals and become frustrated that other people are not doing it “right”. Although I often (not always) like your ideas in rehearsal you often are a bit dismissive of any ideas of experimentation or people just trying things. (But being directed badly is always a frustrating experience)
The problem for me is not that you sometimes get angry, we all do, but that this anger seems to come from a very deep place and is often disturbing for other people. Personally it reminds me of my dad’s stony and thunderous silences which made me afraid to speak to him. The anger often seems to me disproportionate to the situation.
It’s not a question of whether you voice an opinion or not. It’s all too clear to most people what you’re feeling even if you don’t speak and I think people in a rehearsal can sometimes find it a bit difficult to be around. Especially when they’ve seen the light and warmth that can inhabit you.
Respondent #2
What you do well:
I said to you the other day that you have a wonderful laugh. It’s one of the most human sounds I know and it’s a glad and living laughter. You also show yourself to be acutely sensitive to people who are in emotional pain; I remember this with ______________ a few years ago. He was greatly upset and you took time with him and invited him back to stay at yours. I like that you love language and especially poetry and that I can talk about art with you without feeling the need to apologise for it (as I would with others)
I have seen you motivate people in such a way that inspires them to do better work than they might otherwise have done. You speak very well. In the rehearsal room you work hard. You are committed. You prepare. You are conscientious.
What you don’t do well
It is in the rehearsal room where I have found most difficulty with what you do. You can sometimes make your mind up as to how something should go and then become infuriated because another actor, or the director is doing something different from this. Whether you voice this anger or not people can feel it. All the light and humour goes out of you at these moments,. You often tend to seek final form in beginning rehearsals and become frustrated that other people are not doing it “right”. Although I often (not always) like your ideas in rehearsal you often are a bit dismissive of any ideas of experimentation or people just trying things. (But being directed badly is always a frustrating experience)
The problem for me is not that you sometimes get angry, we all do, but that this anger seems to come from a very deep place and is often disturbing for other people. Personally it reminds me of my dad’s stony and thunderous silences which made me afraid to speak to him. The anger often seems to me disproportionate to the situation.
It’s not a question of whether you voice an opinion or not. It’s all too clear to most people what you’re feeling even if you don’t speak and I think people in a rehearsal can sometimes find it a bit difficult to be around. Especially when they’ve seen the light and warmth that can inhabit you.
Respondent #2
What things do I do well in the rehearsal room?
Sheer artistry,
commitment,
bravery,
passion,
cracking sense of humour when you are feeling comfortable and in a good mood,
talent,
inventiveness,
ideas,
big huge spirit,
immense capacity for greatness and bigness,
fabulous in both big parts and well-crafted little cameos (indeed sometimes I think you are happier creating eccentric little parts, and maybe you can take this into your bigger roles
Very generous towards other actors especially when you like and feel comfortable with them
2. What do I not do well in the rehearsal room?
Exuding moods when you feel bad and making it difficult for everyone
Lack of confidence in yourself as a lovable being, which causes you to expect bad relationships and therefore creates them
Lack of sense of lightness in your approach to your work maybe? (Argue me back if you disagree?) Need for a willingness to fail while attempting something at times (Drama school will be great for this!)
Need to give yourself and others a break
Passive aggressive behaviour
Not expressing yourself directly, but throwing out oblique statements on facebook and to others which comes across as trying to get an emotional effect, but one which people cannot reply to?
Worrying too much and refusing not to worry but insisting others do.
Respondent #3
Things you don’t do well:
Distancing yourself from others
Refusal to articulate grievances
Self-abasing and pandering to others’ egos
Sulking or snapping.
Malicious obedience and taking things absolutely literally
Failure to see humour
Tendency to too much analysis and introspection
Pretentiousness and verbosity
Paranoia
Complaints about lack of direction, then disagreement with direction given
Choice of people to work with
Dumbing down and self-sabotage
Letting others take credit for your ideas
Tendency to indiscretion
Taking the blame when things go wrong
Ability to drain energy and create atmospheres
Inability to accept compliments
Things you do well:
Act!!
Give performances which build reputation as a “different level” actor
Know how to make things work when others, including directors, don’t
Generosity to other actors on stage
Willingness to help others improve
Incredible work ethic, both in rehearsal and outside
Ability to move people, even in rehearsal
See the “bigger picture” of the production overall
As a director, you know how to make people understand your vision
Excellent instincts
Total commitment
Ability to lift energy of scenes (see also reverse!)
Bring best aspects of professional attitude- good role model
Desire to learn, grow and improve
Intelligence
Willingness to be emotionally vulnerable (in character)
Extensive technical knowledge
Much of what these friends wrote about me took me by surprise- especially the stuff they said I do well. And then some of the other stuff I knew already (only too well!) but had no idea other people could see it!
And I guess with my dodgy self-esteem issues it’s no surprise that the things I didn’t know before or believe are actually mostly the positive ones, including:
I have a wonderful laugh, a cracking sense of humour.
I am acutely sensitive to people who are in emotional pain.
I am a very generous motivator, inspirer and helper others.
I exude light, warmth, love-ability.
I speak well.
I have a reputation as a ‘different level’ actor. I’m a role model.
I create the bad relationships.
My work ethic is incredible.
I’d be happier in my work playing cameo roles.
I have great passion, a huge/big spirit which helps me play big roles too.
My anger is out often way out of proportion to the situation.
I underestimate my power to terrify and confuse others when I get passive-aggressive.
I am pretentious.
I worry too much, and should give myself and others a break.
I take on too much responsibility and blame for problems caused by others.
I am intelligent.
I am brave.
I have a talent for making other people understand my vision.
It’s OK to be angry; it’s the way you communicate it/don’t communicate it directly that causes the problem.
And interestingly enough there were a lot of things I already knew but hadn’t much idea that other people saw, (and, yes, they are mostly the negatives!) including:
Others are very aware of my deep anger, frustration and irritation even when I am silent. Especially when I am silent!
The changes in atmosphere this creates are very disturbing and frightening to others. I underestimate how very risky and scary I make it for them to speak to me.
I express myself indirectly, verbosely, pretentiously, obliquely in order to generate an emotional effect.
I am impatient with experimentation, because you think things not being ‘right’ immediately spells Failure.
I expect to have bad relationships and make it difficult for others to communicate with me.
I sabotage my own facility for clear communication when I use passive-aggressive tactics.
I am conscientious.
Things you don’t do well:
Distancing yourself from others
Refusal to articulate grievances
Self-abasing and pandering to others’ egos
Sulking or snapping.
Malicious obedience and taking things absolutely literally
Failure to see humour
Tendency to too much analysis and introspection
Pretentiousness and verbosity
Paranoia
Complaints about lack of direction, then disagreement with direction given
Choice of people to work with
Dumbing down and self-sabotage
Letting others take credit for your ideas
Tendency to indiscretion
Taking the blame when things go wrong
Ability to drain energy and create atmospheres
Inability to accept compliments
Things you do well:
Act!!
Give performances which build reputation as a “different level” actor
Know how to make things work when others, including directors, don’t
Generosity to other actors on stage
Willingness to help others improve
Incredible work ethic, both in rehearsal and outside
Ability to move people, even in rehearsal
See the “bigger picture” of the production overall
As a director, you know how to make people understand your vision
Excellent instincts
Total commitment
Ability to lift energy of scenes (see also reverse!)
Bring best aspects of professional attitude- good role model
Desire to learn, grow and improve
Intelligence
Willingness to be emotionally vulnerable (in character)
Extensive technical knowledge
Much of what these friends wrote about me took me by surprise- especially the stuff they said I do well. And then some of the other stuff I knew already (only too well!) but had no idea other people could see it!
And I guess with my dodgy self-esteem issues it’s no surprise that the things I didn’t know before or believe are actually mostly the positive ones, including:
I have a wonderful laugh, a cracking sense of humour.
I am acutely sensitive to people who are in emotional pain.
I am a very generous motivator, inspirer and helper others.
I exude light, warmth, love-ability.
I speak well.
I have a reputation as a ‘different level’ actor. I’m a role model.
I create the bad relationships.
My work ethic is incredible.
I’d be happier in my work playing cameo roles.
I have great passion, a huge/big spirit which helps me play big roles too.
My anger is out often way out of proportion to the situation.
I underestimate my power to terrify and confuse others when I get passive-aggressive.
I am pretentious.
I worry too much, and should give myself and others a break.
I take on too much responsibility and blame for problems caused by others.
I am intelligent.
I am brave.
I have a talent for making other people understand my vision.
It’s OK to be angry; it’s the way you communicate it/don’t communicate it directly that causes the problem.
And interestingly enough there were a lot of things I already knew but hadn’t much idea that other people saw, (and, yes, they are mostly the negatives!) including:
Others are very aware of my deep anger, frustration and irritation even when I am silent. Especially when I am silent!
The changes in atmosphere this creates are very disturbing and frightening to others. I underestimate how very risky and scary I make it for them to speak to me.
I express myself indirectly, verbosely, pretentiously, obliquely in order to generate an emotional effect.
I am impatient with experimentation, because you think things not being ‘right’ immediately spells Failure.
I expect to have bad relationships and make it difficult for others to communicate with me.
I sabotage my own facility for clear communication when I use passive-aggressive tactics.
I am conscientious.
I know how to make things work.
I allow others to take credit for my ideas.
I allow others to take credit for my ideas.
This was such a valuable exercise for me, and you can read some of my conclusions and thoughts in my next blog- which is likely to be a fairly lengthy one I should think! The reason I need to look into all of this now is because I don't want my daemons fucking things up when I go to college in September. I guess that apart from honing my acting skills and techniques and making use of the opportunity of getting casting directors and agents to sign me up what I am really looking for at the end of the day from this MA course is a deepening of my commitment to incorporating spiritual values into my acting process; in other words- increasing my trust, confidence, love and patience, empathy, connectivity and creativity as a human being. I know that sounds wanky, but that is really what this is about. I have underestimated the vital importance of these concepts in the rehearsal room context in the past and this is my chance to put things right. In fact I plan for my dissertation to deal with the way we tend to eschew the spiritual dimension in training and development of actors in the West. (Although I have still to devise a coherent framework for examining this within an academic treatise, except maybe in the form of collating responses to questionnaires issued to my fellow students at various points throughout the course. I'll need to give that some thought in the next few weeks too!) I am looking to see how I can develop not just as an actor but mature and blossom as a soul over the next 12 months. This requires self-knowledge and self-forgiveness before it can be manifest as wisdom and tolerance of others in any practical sense in my work. Going to the Academy is essentially about improving my ability to shine a clearer and more intense light on the invisible realm of the spirit, and hopefully offer more efficient healing to others through my work.
Pretentious I know but that's what it really comes down to for me.
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