The Actor's Ego

This is Mark Coleman's publicity photograph, his "10 x8". It is not me. It shows you what 'I' look like but it cannot reveal who I really am, what my true potential as an actor-soul is, nor how God sees me. My good mate Richard Campbell who took this snap makes me look handsome I think! But it can't tell you whether I am good, fabulous, bad or indifferent as a person, or as an artist. This image flatters my ego, and it may even have helped me to get a couple of gigs, but it isn't me. My ego would dearly love to think this image an accurate reflection of how the world sees me, but I am so much more than this. OK, the camera may not actually lie (although that particular truism is debatable), but the camera is always less than candid.

But then what is 'Me'? What's 'Me' actually mean? Does anyone else - should anyone else, in fact!-really care? :-)

Connectivity and true communion with ourselves and our audience through art demands the bypassing of the ego, so that the soul forms a deeper and more reliable connection with Divine, and reveals us in a deeper, more truthful light. The integrity of the actor must consist of more than just a vague intention of being true to oneself; it demands that this "self" be exposed and honoured in in all its universal dimensions. And this takes phenomenal guts.

Inner Light cannot shine through properly when the facile ego makes its clumsy, utterly spurious attempts to claim responsibility for how the world perceives you as an artist. My own best work in the past has always been as a result of starting with a tabula rasa. When I can become truly humble, with a willingness to truly begin again from scratch. This is always utterly terrifying, this letting go of my egoic habits and rituals, confidence in my own intellect, CV, reputation, my old acting tricks and techniques, etc; but with patience and trust in the Light as my true guide, the end result is always far greater than anything I could achieve when I happen to forget to place my all my trust in my Inner Light.

The aspects of my work I gain more nourishment and satisfaction from than anything else are assuming the life of another, and the opportunity to remind myself and my audience that notion of owning a unique separate identity is actually a mere illusion, a lie. The audience and "I" merge as they identify and achieve empathy with my character's feelings and his story. It is then we are all reminded we are ultimately connected, that we are all One in God.

But the essence of the ego is Fear:

fear of being wrong, or not being enough, fear of letting go, fear of others' judgement, fear of separation, fear of attachment, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of God, fear of no God, fear of strong emotions- like joy, rage, love, jealousy, fear itself... And the forms of fear on which ego thrives are legion. These fears enslave and imprison us as artists, as creative beings and keep us in bondage to a false idea of our destiny. Our ego is a false construct, a suffocating mask which hides the beauty that God longs for us to share with the world. The greatest artists remind us of this. Through their courage they make the Inner and Outer identical. They inspire (inspirit) the rest of us to let go of this attachment to our own egos and its illusory fears, and so experience compassion and empathy for another soul. These geniuses teach us how to love again. And so they bring healing.

Fear and the ego shrivel when faced down with the courage that love bestows on us. We are called upon by God to love our art, love our character, love our audience, love Him, love our own humanity, love one another and forgive no matter what.

When Jerzy Grotowski tells us that the actor's task is to accomplish an "act of soul", he is talking about us becoming Christ- and not just imitating Him, but becoming Him-through our art. We can do this by letting go of our fearful egos and embracing love. But that feels very risky, I know. However, even if we should try our utmost and then fail we do show God that we really mean business, and He will help us grow. The ego would have us stuck forever in the same old mire.