If you're a regular visitor to my blog you know I am currently studying for an MA in Acting (Contemporary and Classical Text) at the RSAMD. I am required to investigate an area of research for one of my modules. Although I have yet to refine the question I intend to explore the mutuality/reciprocity between acting and spirituality. I am a Quaker but my focus won't be on religious dogma or moral ethics per se- Christian, Judaic, Buddhist, Islamic or Humanist etc- - but the notion of spirituality in a holistic sense- the search for a deeper sense of self, connection with the Soul, empathy, the realm of the invisible, the transcendent, etc within an artistic context. I wonder if I could ask folk to take a little time to send me some of their thoughts, ideas, feelings, anecdotes etc (however half-formed) related to the following: Is acting is a vocation, ‘a spiritual workshop’, or perhaps even a form of worship for you? Or is it just a job? Mere entertianment?What might theatre and religion have in common for you- apart from both being ritual forms? Does this ‘spiritualised’ notion of your art embarrass, irritate, inspire you?·In a post-modern and increasingly secularised culture is there more, or less, need for a ‘spiritual’ approach to theatre? To what extent might the ideal theatre be said to be a 'sacred' form? What aspects, if any, of your spiritual life do you feel pressured (or prefer) to keep separate from your acting? What aspects fit together well?Do you believe that our western theatre would benefit from a more conscious integration of the actor's spiritual intentions?What experiences of ‘ transcendent connection’ have you experienced while acting? Do you use spiritual disciplines such as yoga, meditation, religious creeds alongside the acting process, and if so, what are the benefits?Why do actors tend to avoid talking much about this stuff? … And is this a good or a bad thing? If you are an actor I am interested in your personal views about any or all of the above, and will of course preserve your anonymity (unless of course you prefer to be credited!). Contact me through the blog, or by emailing me
markcoleman@dsl.pipex.com
or
MSmoker@rsamd.ac.uk
Many thanks,Mark x
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Sunday, 1 November 2009
Sunday, 20 September 2009
An Actor Prepares...
The following is from a recent article I wrote for a Glasgow Quaker magazine, Elmbank Events. A week before I go to drama school it summarises the journey that has brought me to this watershed moment in my life.
“I don't care where an actor acts. It can be in summer stock, it can be over a radio, it can be over television, it can be in a goddam Broadway theatre, complete with the most fashionable, most well-fed, most sunburned-looking audience you can imagine. But I'll tell you a terrible secret—Are you listening to me?…There isn't anyone anywhere that isn't Seymour's Fat Lady. Don't you know that? Don't you know that goddam secret yet? And don't you know—listen to me, now—don't you know who that Fat Lady really is? . . . Ah, buddy. Ah, buddy. It's Christ Himself. Christ Himself, buddy.” (J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey)
On Monday 28th September I will leave my job as a school teacher in Hamilton to become a student on the MA course at the RSAMD in Contemporary & Classical Text.
It’s 33 years since I nervously stepped on stage for the first time, aged 16, in Theatre Workshop for Youth’s production of Pinter’s The Birthday Party. And I’ve continued to act in theatre ever since- in literally hundreds of amateur and professional tours and productions. Yet only now, at the grand old age of 49, am I grasping the nettle, investing my life savings and fulfilling a lifelong dream by going to drama school.
And before you even think it- no, this isn't just some mad, mid-life crisis! Actually it's a decision that has been made after decades of prayer, soul-searching and meditation. I was very keen to ensure I wasn’t just doing this for egoic reasons but from a more profound need to serve others. Maybe that's why it’s taken me so long to get round to it. But over the last couple of years since attending my first Quaker meeting the Advice and Query about “living adventurously”, and” letting your life speak” (Quaker Faith & Practice; 1.02, 27) has really spoken to my condition. Having got so used to putting security far too high up on my list of priorities it was high time I started living more authentically, got my inner and outward life into alignment, and trusted that God would support that!
I feel like some terrible ‘luvvie’ confessing this, but increasingly over the years the art of acting has become for me a kind of spiritual quest. In fact it’s really an exceptionally potent form of praise and worship for me, founded on concentrated compassion and empathy- at least when it’s done well! (Quaker Benjamin Lloyd writes brilliantly about the actor as a conduit for spiritual energy in his epistolary novel, “The Actor’s Way”.) And so I am finally going to drama school to learn how to act better! And it’s a quantum leap. Acting utilizes the power of Imagination to effect transformation and transcendence- for the actor AND his audience. A very high calling indeed! Many of my friends (with a small f) outside the meeting- many of whom work in theatre- have expressed concern that I may be taking too big a gamble, that it's a bad time, I have to be prepared to fail, that it will be awfully difficult financially, that I may well be disappointed... and- think of the debt! etc. Well, yes, I know all this; but still I’m determined to remain hopeful and optimistic. I would like to thank Friends in the Glasgow meeting for their advice in this matter. You have all been incredibly positive, supportive and affirming when I have discussed my decision with you.
God makes us custodian of Light, wardens of our talents so they can be used for the benefit others. Of course it would be perfectly possible for me to continue serving Him and sharing my gifts through teaching and in many other ways, but I am now convinced that that would really be a craven compromise. I serve Him and others best when I am on the stage playing characters.
God doesn’t mind so much that we make mistakes (and God knows I’ve made a good few in my time!) but I think He must get very disappointed with our apathy, when we don’t try to do our very best with what we are given. So I take this leap in faith; only He knows what lies ahead. The challenge of living my life with greater authenticity and courage instead of remaining in a cocoon of stagnancy and safe employment feels huge and very, very scary right now, even trusting the promise that God will be with me throughout this time and beyond!
On Monday 28th September I will leave my job as a school teacher in Hamilton to become a student on the MA course at the RSAMD in Contemporary & Classical Text.
It’s 33 years since I nervously stepped on stage for the first time, aged 16, in Theatre Workshop for Youth’s production of Pinter’s The Birthday Party. And I’ve continued to act in theatre ever since- in literally hundreds of amateur and professional tours and productions. Yet only now, at the grand old age of 49, am I grasping the nettle, investing my life savings and fulfilling a lifelong dream by going to drama school.
And before you even think it- no, this isn't just some mad, mid-life crisis! Actually it's a decision that has been made after decades of prayer, soul-searching and meditation. I was very keen to ensure I wasn’t just doing this for egoic reasons but from a more profound need to serve others. Maybe that's why it’s taken me so long to get round to it. But over the last couple of years since attending my first Quaker meeting the Advice and Query about “living adventurously”, and” letting your life speak” (Quaker Faith & Practice; 1.02, 27) has really spoken to my condition. Having got so used to putting security far too high up on my list of priorities it was high time I started living more authentically, got my inner and outward life into alignment, and trusted that God would support that!
I feel like some terrible ‘luvvie’ confessing this, but increasingly over the years the art of acting has become for me a kind of spiritual quest. In fact it’s really an exceptionally potent form of praise and worship for me, founded on concentrated compassion and empathy- at least when it’s done well! (Quaker Benjamin Lloyd writes brilliantly about the actor as a conduit for spiritual energy in his epistolary novel, “The Actor’s Way”.) And so I am finally going to drama school to learn how to act better! And it’s a quantum leap. Acting utilizes the power of Imagination to effect transformation and transcendence- for the actor AND his audience. A very high calling indeed! Many of my friends (with a small f) outside the meeting- many of whom work in theatre- have expressed concern that I may be taking too big a gamble, that it's a bad time, I have to be prepared to fail, that it will be awfully difficult financially, that I may well be disappointed... and- think of the debt! etc. Well, yes, I know all this; but still I’m determined to remain hopeful and optimistic. I would like to thank Friends in the Glasgow meeting for their advice in this matter. You have all been incredibly positive, supportive and affirming when I have discussed my decision with you.
God makes us custodian of Light, wardens of our talents so they can be used for the benefit others. Of course it would be perfectly possible for me to continue serving Him and sharing my gifts through teaching and in many other ways, but I am now convinced that that would really be a craven compromise. I serve Him and others best when I am on the stage playing characters.
God doesn’t mind so much that we make mistakes (and God knows I’ve made a good few in my time!) but I think He must get very disappointed with our apathy, when we don’t try to do our very best with what we are given. So I take this leap in faith; only He knows what lies ahead. The challenge of living my life with greater authenticity and courage instead of remaining in a cocoon of stagnancy and safe employment feels huge and very, very scary right now, even trusting the promise that God will be with me throughout this time and beyond!
Still, my wife Karen, and I would greatly welcome your prayers at this time.
In Friendship,
Mark Coleman
In Friendship,
Mark Coleman
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
The Virtues of Faith, Empathy, Service + Love= Great Acting
I have spent last few weeks trying to think about the practicalities and financial aspects of the course I am about to take. All this is daunting enough, but I have also thought a great deal about WHY I am making this choice to go to drama school. I made this decision with my heart, not with my head, but it seems important that I unravel what is really going on in me before I properly start, so I know what to aim for. I know that one of the things that prompted the decision in firast place was my becoming a Quaker and taking on board the advice given in "Faith and Practice" about"living adventurously" and seeking the Inner Light, but there's more to it than that...
I would dearly wish my drama school training, which starts in less than a month (eek!), to be predicated on what my Quaker Friend Benjamin Lloyd calls a ‘virtue-based pedagogy’. I would also love my tutors to be heart-sensitive and expert counsellors and guides, leading us all to gently lay aside our egos and replace them with our higher, artistic souls; to nurse our sense of spiritual vocation as artist in pursuit of beauty. But let's face it, that's hardly likely to happen. After all, that would be far too religious and woolly for an academic institution. Institutions that train professional actors are necessarily advocates of obedience to the director, hitting your marks, speaking up, getting paid... Certainly not much to do with nourishing and freeing souls from existential burdens and seeking the divine!
Whenever I speak or write about acting being a mysterious thing, an ineffably spiritual process, I always risk being laughed at and shot down in flames. I have even been told recently that if I want to bring about deep spiritual reconciliation, forgiveness and transcendence then I should join the church; that there is no place for such pie-in-the-sky thinking in the “reality of entertainment industry"(sic!). I frequently end up feeling a bit bonkers, or like some haughty ‘Nicholas Craig’ character when i do let loose with my ideas. So I tend to keep quiet rather than be accused of trying to mystify what many insist is really only a straightforward and uncomplicated process. I am accused of using ‘obscure spiritual ideology’, and mystical-sounding terminology to exclude 'lesser mortals'. But it IS a high calling, for fuck sake! I don’t say these things to make less talented actors feel excluded. I will confess though that I do want to discourage those who have no real vocation to serve others through the medium of theatre, or lack any sense of purpose founded on the desire to connect at the deepest level with an audience, to seek answers to the profoundest questions about what life is or at least might be. That's what serious artist DO, after all!
It IS a simple and undeniable truth that some people are better actors than others. That is usually because they desperately WANT to be better, and are willing to do anything to make that possible. Life’s unfair, yes! And some have an extraordinary talent for it. I would be tempted to call it a divine gift, but that’s just me- I believe in God! That belief doesn’t mean I receive any extra help! And it certainly doesn’t mean I think that certain aspects of this ‘alchemy’ can’t be learned or even taught. I wouldn’t have taught drama or coached other actors over the past 15 years if I thought nothing at all could be gained from it unless you were already ‘touched by God’.
Again at the risk of being a pretentious twat, I believe that over the course of the last 30 odd years my own acting career, at its best, has been an exploration of the virtues of FAITH through EMPATHY and SERVICE, marinated and communicated in LOVE. Those four virtues constitute the simplest and most accurate recipe I can articulate for what I am attempting to embody as an actor. Of course there are basic vocal and simple physical techniques and elementary principles- principles which are picked up in a matter of weeks, if not days, by the student actor- but no one in their right mind is going to call these basics a recipe for greatness. Sanford Meisner’s maxim comes to mind: "It takes 20 years to become a master actor". Focusing on the virtues of faith, empathy, service and love is what will eventually turn somebody into a great master actor. I’ve always believed that the qualities which constitute a great Soul are exactly the same ones that create great acting talent. If that opens me up to accusations of religiosity and wanky mysticism, well then so be it.
The prioblem is, how can you begin to measure these ‘virtues’- faith, empathy, service or love? (-And, come to that, where are the curricula for teaching them within the present drama school system?) Certainly not by trying to bend and shape the actor’s talent according to an intellectual design or formulation. Objectively measurable targets and standard modes of evaluating its efficacy will always fail because acting IS really a metaphysical and, dare I say it, SPIRITUAL discipline. (And yet, paradoxically, even a lazy actor can sometimes move an audience more than one who works his butt off.) But to pretend otherwise severely compromises theatre’s potential power, and only leads to bland journeywork, not great art. It’s a betrayal of the sacred foundations of theatre, a secularising reductionism of all that is central and vital to the drama form to pretend otherwise. It is my view that for drama schools to avoid going any further than simply passing on a range of one-size-fits-all exercises and techniques and then charging people the earth for it constitutes a scandalous calumny.
I am not for one moment saying that the student is obliged to align the work with spiritual dogma or creeds- of any kind. He or she doesn’t have to believe in God or Buddha or Allah or the Tooth Fairy. It’s just that having been a teacher of drama for 15 years it feels to me as though most of that time I have just been attempting to stuff round pegs into square holes- a totally quixotic enterprise- when I am obliged to reduce everything to a basic level of ‘playing actions’, spoon-feeding ‘received Stanislavskian wisdoms’ rather than talk about what the work really means, what it’s really FOR. My pupils don’t become more talented when they are made to follow the limited and facile curriculum I am obliged to promulgate. At best they merely learn to pass their exams. It certainly doesn’t make them into great actors... or even into better people if I'm honest. Because of this I feel so relieved to be getting out, but just hope it's not a case of me leaping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Somehow I want to cling onto these virtues I hold so dear, as well as my belief in the application of spiritual core values and processes when I go to study at the Academy. Hopefully it should be easier for me to do this on the MA course, where I am more responsible for my own learning than I might be expected to be on a BA course; and also with all my age and experience they won’t be trying to spoon-feed me.
It has taken me many years to come to realise what is really important to me about the work; why I do this strange thing called acting. I am trusting that this next year gives me the best grounding for refining this understanding, and ways of approaching the work in my own unique way with far greater confidence.
I am so excited I can't begin to tell you.
I would dearly wish my drama school training, which starts in less than a month (eek!), to be predicated on what my Quaker Friend Benjamin Lloyd calls a ‘virtue-based pedagogy’. I would also love my tutors to be heart-sensitive and expert counsellors and guides, leading us all to gently lay aside our egos and replace them with our higher, artistic souls; to nurse our sense of spiritual vocation as artist in pursuit of beauty. But let's face it, that's hardly likely to happen. After all, that would be far too religious and woolly for an academic institution. Institutions that train professional actors are necessarily advocates of obedience to the director, hitting your marks, speaking up, getting paid... Certainly not much to do with nourishing and freeing souls from existential burdens and seeking the divine!
Whenever I speak or write about acting being a mysterious thing, an ineffably spiritual process, I always risk being laughed at and shot down in flames. I have even been told recently that if I want to bring about deep spiritual reconciliation, forgiveness and transcendence then I should join the church; that there is no place for such pie-in-the-sky thinking in the “reality of entertainment industry"(sic!). I frequently end up feeling a bit bonkers, or like some haughty ‘Nicholas Craig’ character when i do let loose with my ideas. So I tend to keep quiet rather than be accused of trying to mystify what many insist is really only a straightforward and uncomplicated process. I am accused of using ‘obscure spiritual ideology’, and mystical-sounding terminology to exclude 'lesser mortals'. But it IS a high calling, for fuck sake! I don’t say these things to make less talented actors feel excluded. I will confess though that I do want to discourage those who have no real vocation to serve others through the medium of theatre, or lack any sense of purpose founded on the desire to connect at the deepest level with an audience, to seek answers to the profoundest questions about what life is or at least might be. That's what serious artist DO, after all!
It IS a simple and undeniable truth that some people are better actors than others. That is usually because they desperately WANT to be better, and are willing to do anything to make that possible. Life’s unfair, yes! And some have an extraordinary talent for it. I would be tempted to call it a divine gift, but that’s just me- I believe in God! That belief doesn’t mean I receive any extra help! And it certainly doesn’t mean I think that certain aspects of this ‘alchemy’ can’t be learned or even taught. I wouldn’t have taught drama or coached other actors over the past 15 years if I thought nothing at all could be gained from it unless you were already ‘touched by God’.
Again at the risk of being a pretentious twat, I believe that over the course of the last 30 odd years my own acting career, at its best, has been an exploration of the virtues of FAITH through EMPATHY and SERVICE, marinated and communicated in LOVE. Those four virtues constitute the simplest and most accurate recipe I can articulate for what I am attempting to embody as an actor. Of course there are basic vocal and simple physical techniques and elementary principles- principles which are picked up in a matter of weeks, if not days, by the student actor- but no one in their right mind is going to call these basics a recipe for greatness. Sanford Meisner’s maxim comes to mind: "It takes 20 years to become a master actor". Focusing on the virtues of faith, empathy, service and love is what will eventually turn somebody into a great master actor. I’ve always believed that the qualities which constitute a great Soul are exactly the same ones that create great acting talent. If that opens me up to accusations of religiosity and wanky mysticism, well then so be it.
The prioblem is, how can you begin to measure these ‘virtues’- faith, empathy, service or love? (-And, come to that, where are the curricula for teaching them within the present drama school system?) Certainly not by trying to bend and shape the actor’s talent according to an intellectual design or formulation. Objectively measurable targets and standard modes of evaluating its efficacy will always fail because acting IS really a metaphysical and, dare I say it, SPIRITUAL discipline. (And yet, paradoxically, even a lazy actor can sometimes move an audience more than one who works his butt off.) But to pretend otherwise severely compromises theatre’s potential power, and only leads to bland journeywork, not great art. It’s a betrayal of the sacred foundations of theatre, a secularising reductionism of all that is central and vital to the drama form to pretend otherwise. It is my view that for drama schools to avoid going any further than simply passing on a range of one-size-fits-all exercises and techniques and then charging people the earth for it constitutes a scandalous calumny.
I am not for one moment saying that the student is obliged to align the work with spiritual dogma or creeds- of any kind. He or she doesn’t have to believe in God or Buddha or Allah or the Tooth Fairy. It’s just that having been a teacher of drama for 15 years it feels to me as though most of that time I have just been attempting to stuff round pegs into square holes- a totally quixotic enterprise- when I am obliged to reduce everything to a basic level of ‘playing actions’, spoon-feeding ‘received Stanislavskian wisdoms’ rather than talk about what the work really means, what it’s really FOR. My pupils don’t become more talented when they are made to follow the limited and facile curriculum I am obliged to promulgate. At best they merely learn to pass their exams. It certainly doesn’t make them into great actors... or even into better people if I'm honest. Because of this I feel so relieved to be getting out, but just hope it's not a case of me leaping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Somehow I want to cling onto these virtues I hold so dear, as well as my belief in the application of spiritual core values and processes when I go to study at the Academy. Hopefully it should be easier for me to do this on the MA course, where I am more responsible for my own learning than I might be expected to be on a BA course; and also with all my age and experience they won’t be trying to spoon-feed me.
It has taken me many years to come to realise what is really important to me about the work; why I do this strange thing called acting. I am trusting that this next year gives me the best grounding for refining this understanding, and ways of approaching the work in my own unique way with far greater confidence.
I am so excited I can't begin to tell you.
Thursday, 27 November 2008
As far back as I can remember I’ve been burdened with a deep-seated inferiority complex about my lack of intellect. This seems ridiculous to others who may be- on paper at least- less well qualified. Yet despite the nine O-levels, two A-levels, my good BA honours degree, and even that Distinction in Speech & Drama at Post Graduate level I still beat myself up for being thick. This stems from always feeling out of my depth as a child- treated by my parents and siblings, my schoolteachers and friends as if I was a bit soft in the head. I can now see that this was the impetus behind me studying so hard for all those years for all those bloody certificates and qualifications. I had a point to prove to ‘Them’, and to my self I suppose. And until relatively recently I have continued to flog myself to achieve some kind of academic status and credibility. And what a VAIN endeavour- in all the senses of that word! For what in the end does it all add up to? I have a career teaching others the same set of values, a career that extols the virtues of those silly academic qualifications. A career I have very little passion for any more.
I have a deep understanding and compassion for the academically challenged, but no sympathy at all for the lazy and wilfully ignorant who constitute the vast majority of my students. But, ironically enough, I reserve my most poisonous contempt for those who are gifted and lazy/ungrateful.. I earned all I have with blood, sweat and tears. I fucking worked for it without having any real natural aptitude. And yet I still find myself advocating the meaning of qualifications with no real faith in their importance- the chasing after the spurious and empty credibility of ‘decent grades’ and ultimately meaningless qualifications.
And yet here I sit in my study this evening, drafting an application for an MA in Acting Classical and Contemporary Text for the RSAMD. I ran out of space on the form listing all my qualifications and relevant experience. And yes, OK, it will be nice to have another piece of paper, assuming I get accepted on the course and do well enough; but- you know what?- for once in my life this is not why I am considering putting myself through the torture of formal education again. Because for once it isn’t fear of humiliation or failure that motivates me any more. It’s love.
And, yes, I know how just how lame that sounds. But these last two or three years I have begun to get in touch with transformations taking place at a very profound, ineffable level. I have found myself gradually shifting my focus away from the strivings of 'achievement' and egoic 'point scoring', and towards a far richer and more soulful- and actually quite self-effacing and humbling- perspective. And this is for me a paradigm shift. Of course to the outside eye I still look like I'm the same old me. But I’ve worked hard at finding a way through the fog of ‘adulthood’- a constructed identity that has grown quite dense around m. I've begun to value the importance of my latent gifts for connection with spirit- the child-like creative play where life has its true beginnings. “My Highest for His Best” has far less to do with being recognised for cleverness now than it ever has before. I have learned (un-learned?) to now be truly grateful for simple Passion and Devotion, to apply myself to the gifts of Kindness, of Faith to plain and untestable convictions. I know that far more than Knowledge and Understanding I seek Connection and Flow with my divine source- the Light, or the Seed, as we Quakers are wont to call it. Love. If I get accepted on this course it is not so I can improve my employment prospects. It's not so I can share my expertise with others in the classroom either. I am simply anticipating the unadulterated joy of expanding my consciousness at unplumbed levels, and most probably in ways I will never be able to fully articulate or justify to any one else. This will sound ridiculous to everyone else- especially other drama students and even the lecturers. I am looking to explore the profound union between my spirit and my art. But I can’t write that on my application form or I risk coming across as a time-waster/ wanker/ nutter. So I’m forced to trot out the predictable empty bollocks about 'augmenting my skils', 'enhancing my employment prospects', blah, blah, blah...
Utter shite of course. I don't actually care if they fail me.
No, this is something to do with becoming that ‘mystic without a monastery’ of which Caroline Myss speaks. (Actually, she was in Scotland for 3 days last week, lecturing at Findhorn and I would have loved to have gone along and met her if it hadn’t have been for Tally’s Blood.)
But right now it is much more important I know I am doing this for me…
For God.
And for Love. Pure and simple.
:-)
I have a deep understanding and compassion for the academically challenged, but no sympathy at all for the lazy and wilfully ignorant who constitute the vast majority of my students. But, ironically enough, I reserve my most poisonous contempt for those who are gifted and lazy/ungrateful.. I earned all I have with blood, sweat and tears. I fucking worked for it without having any real natural aptitude. And yet I still find myself advocating the meaning of qualifications with no real faith in their importance- the chasing after the spurious and empty credibility of ‘decent grades’ and ultimately meaningless qualifications.
And yet here I sit in my study this evening, drafting an application for an MA in Acting Classical and Contemporary Text for the RSAMD. I ran out of space on the form listing all my qualifications and relevant experience. And yes, OK, it will be nice to have another piece of paper, assuming I get accepted on the course and do well enough; but- you know what?- for once in my life this is not why I am considering putting myself through the torture of formal education again. Because for once it isn’t fear of humiliation or failure that motivates me any more. It’s love.
And, yes, I know how just how lame that sounds. But these last two or three years I have begun to get in touch with transformations taking place at a very profound, ineffable level. I have found myself gradually shifting my focus away from the strivings of 'achievement' and egoic 'point scoring', and towards a far richer and more soulful- and actually quite self-effacing and humbling- perspective. And this is for me a paradigm shift. Of course to the outside eye I still look like I'm the same old me. But I’ve worked hard at finding a way through the fog of ‘adulthood’- a constructed identity that has grown quite dense around m. I've begun to value the importance of my latent gifts for connection with spirit- the child-like creative play where life has its true beginnings. “My Highest for His Best” has far less to do with being recognised for cleverness now than it ever has before. I have learned (un-learned?) to now be truly grateful for simple Passion and Devotion, to apply myself to the gifts of Kindness, of Faith to plain and untestable convictions. I know that far more than Knowledge and Understanding I seek Connection and Flow with my divine source- the Light, or the Seed, as we Quakers are wont to call it. Love. If I get accepted on this course it is not so I can improve my employment prospects. It's not so I can share my expertise with others in the classroom either. I am simply anticipating the unadulterated joy of expanding my consciousness at unplumbed levels, and most probably in ways I will never be able to fully articulate or justify to any one else. This will sound ridiculous to everyone else- especially other drama students and even the lecturers. I am looking to explore the profound union between my spirit and my art. But I can’t write that on my application form or I risk coming across as a time-waster/ wanker/ nutter. So I’m forced to trot out the predictable empty bollocks about 'augmenting my skils', 'enhancing my employment prospects', blah, blah, blah...
Utter shite of course. I don't actually care if they fail me.
No, this is something to do with becoming that ‘mystic without a monastery’ of which Caroline Myss speaks. (Actually, she was in Scotland for 3 days last week, lecturing at Findhorn and I would have loved to have gone along and met her if it hadn’t have been for Tally’s Blood.)
But right now it is much more important I know I am doing this for me…
For God.
And for Love. Pure and simple.
:-)
Saturday, 22 November 2008
Farewell
Last night of Tally's Blood tonight.
:-(
I am feeling sentimental and nostalgic already. But I have to ask myself what in the end have these two or three months of work actually meant? What’s been learned? What contribution has been made to the world, if any, with this Tally’s Blood?
Well, first of all, I guess I’ve finally understood that it is more important to cast folk who have an aptitude for getting on with other folk, rather than always the best individual talents. It has confirmed for me that people’s egos can and often do corrode the love that might otherwise generate and anoint truly beautiful work. To their credit this wonderful team of mine worked in an unstintingly ensemble fashion, very close to old Chekhov’s ideal I like to think, without any overweening egos getting in the way.
I have also learned that I can use my own experience and abilities as a director to forge deep personal connections between people, and so create uncomplicated joy and straightforward entertainment rather than experiments and artistic ‘interpretations’- my usual brand of grim, brow-furrowing, chin-stroking, serious ‘Art’. And that is actually OK!! The pretentious critics and arty snobs can get stuffed!!! We sold out every night; but that does NOT mean we ‘sold out’! There is absolutely no reason to feel ashamed when you consider the seeds of love and compassion sewn in those who have been involved.
I have learned that my dear Karen has a richer talent than even I realised before, making the work look so easy, and capable of moving many people to affectionate tears and laughter as Rosinella. She has made the most of the gift I gave her when I cast her in the role, and this fills me with such pride. She made the part her very own; and, as many others have said, it is difficult to think of anyone else who could play the role so perfectly. And of course Karen herself has had an absolute ball. I really couldn’t have done this show if she hadn’t agreed to play the role- and, not to put too fine a point on it, the success of the production is due to her- and Robert’s- experience, humanity, generosity of heart, patience and talent.
I seem to have rekindled faith in my own abilities as a director; and despite all the stresses and strains the last time I stood at the helm of a production I can afford to take some pride again in bringing out the best in performers.
As cheesy as it sounds, this cast have become like a family and I will miss them. They are definitely going to miss each other.
And ultimately it is this, more than anything else, which gives me the most satisfaction: the fact that I brought these people together and helped forge those personal, creative bonds and so bring about something just a little bit magical in the process.
PS … And I think our audiences loved it too! :-)
:-(
I am feeling sentimental and nostalgic already. But I have to ask myself what in the end have these two or three months of work actually meant? What’s been learned? What contribution has been made to the world, if any, with this Tally’s Blood?
Well, first of all, I guess I’ve finally understood that it is more important to cast folk who have an aptitude for getting on with other folk, rather than always the best individual talents. It has confirmed for me that people’s egos can and often do corrode the love that might otherwise generate and anoint truly beautiful work. To their credit this wonderful team of mine worked in an unstintingly ensemble fashion, very close to old Chekhov’s ideal I like to think, without any overweening egos getting in the way.
I have also learned that I can use my own experience and abilities as a director to forge deep personal connections between people, and so create uncomplicated joy and straightforward entertainment rather than experiments and artistic ‘interpretations’- my usual brand of grim, brow-furrowing, chin-stroking, serious ‘Art’. And that is actually OK!! The pretentious critics and arty snobs can get stuffed!!! We sold out every night; but that does NOT mean we ‘sold out’! There is absolutely no reason to feel ashamed when you consider the seeds of love and compassion sewn in those who have been involved.
I have learned that my dear Karen has a richer talent than even I realised before, making the work look so easy, and capable of moving many people to affectionate tears and laughter as Rosinella. She has made the most of the gift I gave her when I cast her in the role, and this fills me with such pride. She made the part her very own; and, as many others have said, it is difficult to think of anyone else who could play the role so perfectly. And of course Karen herself has had an absolute ball. I really couldn’t have done this show if she hadn’t agreed to play the role- and, not to put too fine a point on it, the success of the production is due to her- and Robert’s- experience, humanity, generosity of heart, patience and talent.
I seem to have rekindled faith in my own abilities as a director; and despite all the stresses and strains the last time I stood at the helm of a production I can afford to take some pride again in bringing out the best in performers.
As cheesy as it sounds, this cast have become like a family and I will miss them. They are definitely going to miss each other.
And ultimately it is this, more than anything else, which gives me the most satisfaction: the fact that I brought these people together and helped forge those personal, creative bonds and so bring about something just a little bit magical in the process.
PS … And I think our audiences loved it too! :-)
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Love and Giving
"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Love, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not Love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Love, it profiteth me nothing."
(1 Corinthians 13)
I have not written here for a while . My spirit has been hibernating I think, plus I have been busy of course with rehearsals for Tally's Blood.
What follows is really going to be just a vomited random stream of consciousness, maybe a sort of prayer, a snapshot of where my mind/heart/soul is 'at' right now. It's no doubt heavily influenced by my reading of Carolyn Myss' Entering the Castle and Anatomy of the Spirit, James Hollis' The Middle Passage, lots of poetry and of course Michael Chekhov.
Choosing to follow the Light does not mean you will be able to avoid darkness, but you must never seek the darkness or go out of your way to suffer just so you can either learn, or even unlearn. The way of light is the one that will lead to your ultimate goal. If you are in darkness it may well not be your fault; and yet, on the other hand, it might be! This is for you to pray about- but there are always choices available. Those choices are best made in the quietude of contemplation, that's all. You are alive, ergo you will suffer pain- it's absolutely unavoidable. Accept that, and carry on. This might scare you, but you must face it down. Carolyn Myss has made me realise that sometimes I do attract suffering and chaos into my life as a way of getting personal space- illness comes, separation from what I love, feeling blocked etc. But this is the way life and God teaches compassion- in the grace of solitude that suffering brings with it, for even loneliness is not without its subtle gifts and blessings and opportunities. And remember you always survive and cope. Always. Fear is, in time, transformed to joy. You eventually accept the lesson with grace and move on stronger, wiser and more compassionate than before into new life. "Be patient, be patient," He whispers. "Wait, just wait; and listen... Just listen."
I often get an image of God, where He is holding me with a tenderness and intense energy that wants to squeeze me tight like a tiny baby but must handle me so very gently as he tells me how beloved I am, treasured beyond measure. Love streams toward you constantly and you remain completely oblivious and unaware of it most of the time! Any self-blame, blame of others, irritation and hatreds, any criticism of yourself or others- spoken or unspoken is nothing to do with your divinely created soul or God. It is only ego. Resist it.
The thing about the greatest artists is that they were not- as they are so often caricatured- narcissistic, jealous, vindictive, egotistical, vain, attention-seeking monsters. Van Gogh, William Blake, Michael Chekhov, Emily Bronte, Shakespeare, Rembrandt; these individuals were full of love, of kindness, the quintessence of disciplined and altruistic devotion, surrendering their entire selves to something far far greater than mere self. Acceptance, fulfillment, nurturing affection were their predominant characteristics.
Most of them suffered unbearably, and endured such rejection and prejudice and ignorance but it never was used as excuse to say- "OK, I'm not going to do this any more; just let me teach for South Lanarkshire Council..."! No, they felt compelled to give, give, give the only way they knew how. You choosing NOT to emulate them, is egoistic because it is false humility. If you are not aiming to do the same as them then you have no real right to call yourself an artist. It would be a denial of God's perfect vision for you. These artists' connection to the divine was so deeply embedded in their natures that they never wanted for anything else but to remain connected to their Source. And the more they tried to empty themselves the fuller they became- like eternal spring of the sweet water of divine love- bubbling up to the surface and still doing so generations after they left us. You want this too.
We are all potentially just as capable of creating the same exquisite beauty as these geniuses in many unique ways .
Your mission (should you decide to accept it!) is to unlearn all the habits and the obstructions you have put in your way and forgive yourself in order to achieve oneness with your Source again.
Yes, passionate devotion to Truth represents the highest attitude to adopt for your acting, teaching and directing at this time. And agape is the best way to upgrade this energy to an ever-higher vibration. Look to nature, look to the heart-truths of what that teaches you. Take time to meditate carefully on it, not at a superficial level but at a deeper spiritually-connected level. Never just go by appearances but allow the imagination to really work with it and see that the process of creation is everywhere in the sights, sounds and even smells of nature and how God constantly feeds your own understanding of the artistic process through it. If you can't feel Him or sense Him then you need to clean your glasses! Nature reconnects you to your divine source- the trees in the park and the flowers, the grass, the birds, the insects, the animals, the earth all talk. Put your roots into the soil and draw up energy from the heart of the earth beneath you. Breathe in the sky and realise how richly blessed you truly are. It will always give you what you are looking for whenever you may feel blocked, or if God should seem absent or far away today. Nature is a gift that will keep on giving. Prise your heart open wider. Wider! Dwell on nature's beauty, its power and majesty; its holiness. Its preciousness and infinite intricacy, its patterns of perfection and plurality are sublime teachers. A kaleidoscopic symphony of colours, hues, sounds, a symphony of odours and textures surrounds you at all times. See it as God might see it and know that He's in charge of all of it, and it's all there to be inherited by you in any given instant. Ask yourself then,” Why would He not be able to find you and help you create with Him if He can do all this?" He hasn't left you stranded: He's always with you. Let Him meet you wherever you are. Succumb and be ravished by the verdant, fecund majesty all around you. Breathe it in deep, until you are one with it; until it and your Source are one with you.
Then go back to the work, fully renewed.
A prepared actor becomes surrounded by a radiant aura, invisible to the naked eye but sensed by the intuitive and the attuned spectator. This aura bathes the actor in a charisma, an energy that electrifies and thrills us. It comes from being present, fully present in the moment, in a state of grace and readiness to give- to keep on giving- in Love.
But as an actor you often find it difficult to sustain full connection. Moreover, the search for a formula that will fill in the missing pieces will remain a fruitless one until you acknowledge that you actually have the ability to heal yourself if only you will take authority in your own life, have the courage to follow what your inner voice is telling you moment by moment. You have finally heard your still inner voice say to you, “Get some acting training”, after opting not to listen for such a long time because you didn’t want to have to put your teaching career on hold and spend money learning from someone else. You chose to block out the voice within because it meant accepting a daunting, humbling challenge, being led away from the beaten track, requiring the difficult admission of uncertainty- “I don’t know this… I need some help… I am lost… I'm scared.” Your pride and laziness are always wrapped up in very 'reasonable' excuses. But reason, reason, reason cannot- cannot- produce miracles! Reason cannot comprehend, still less produce moments of sublime beauty and grace. It is no match and certainly no substitute for the irrational power and immensity of Love to create new worlds, or to usher in the age of the Ideal Theatre. You need to give up the blaming, the questionings, the shaming, the denial, the excuses, the human neediness that characterises the egoic response to failure. It is now time to unseat reason (and when I say this I don’t mean just choose to be reckless- not that kind of UNreason!), and allow God to be your guide and compass. You must cede control and allow reason to step aside, and so discern what the heart of God is communicating to you. And then just do it. To the vast majority of people this is just madness, but to a true artist it is the only way. Genius has the guts to follow and obey the inner voice. In years to come the reasons for the guidance given may become clear, but for now it is vital just to trust that you know the direction you must walk, but not your destination. Otherwise you will die here waiting to be given a map that will never materialise. Keep moving in the direction God is pointing you to go, and trust that eventually you will find life and the living springs once more.
The other voice that complains and whinges to God- “You owe me. I did this for you… I did my exercises, studied for years, I learned my lines... I prayed to be able to serve you to the best of my ability… I love you, therefore you owe me” will keep you wandering in circles. You harbour the unconscious expectation that God has to be reasonable, that as long as you give Him what he asks of you you are entitled to something back. No. Your duty to God is to serve him no matter what the price, and to be willing to keep on giving, giving, giving until you're empty. His perfect wisdom has something to teach you in the anticipated desert experience, but you will not learn that lesson as long as you continue looking only for the answers in places you have already been. "I need Equity minimum... I deserve star billing... I deserve to hit that rich vein of inspiration after all the vocal exercises and meditation, prayer and Psychological gesture work I’ve done..." No. NO. Miracles are not 'fair' and certainly not reasonable!
But it’s time to grow up and just accept that life is never fair. You are not a character in a fairy tale, but never be ashamed of your calling, your vocation. You are a son of God. Give all of yourself to radiating compassion and devotion to your Source. There is no room now for yielding to fear or doubt anymore. Acting at its best replaces fear with love; judgment with compassion; separation with unity. That is your calling as an artist, and is perhaps a good definition of your deep soul purpose as a teacher and writer too. This is a very profound form of healing, and it is best achieved when you call upon the Higher Self. love transforms, love liberates and inspires, love enters into the object of its love and sees deeply, love forgives, it vindicates and encourages, it absolves and blesses us and its object. It turns its object into a thing of beauty.
Juliette Binoche, interviewed on TV last night by Alan Yentob immediately following her first night performance (alongside the Bangladeshi dancer Akram Khan) of In-I at the National Theatre, was asked if she could sum up her feelings about the work. She replied, “It’s all about giving. Love and giving.”
Uh huh.
(1 Corinthians 13)
I have not written here for a while . My spirit has been hibernating I think, plus I have been busy of course with rehearsals for Tally's Blood.
What follows is really going to be just a vomited random stream of consciousness, maybe a sort of prayer, a snapshot of where my mind/heart/soul is 'at' right now. It's no doubt heavily influenced by my reading of Carolyn Myss' Entering the Castle and Anatomy of the Spirit, James Hollis' The Middle Passage, lots of poetry and of course Michael Chekhov.
Choosing to follow the Light does not mean you will be able to avoid darkness, but you must never seek the darkness or go out of your way to suffer just so you can either learn, or even unlearn. The way of light is the one that will lead to your ultimate goal. If you are in darkness it may well not be your fault; and yet, on the other hand, it might be! This is for you to pray about- but there are always choices available. Those choices are best made in the quietude of contemplation, that's all. You are alive, ergo you will suffer pain- it's absolutely unavoidable. Accept that, and carry on. This might scare you, but you must face it down. Carolyn Myss has made me realise that sometimes I do attract suffering and chaos into my life as a way of getting personal space- illness comes, separation from what I love, feeling blocked etc. But this is the way life and God teaches compassion- in the grace of solitude that suffering brings with it, for even loneliness is not without its subtle gifts and blessings and opportunities. And remember you always survive and cope. Always. Fear is, in time, transformed to joy. You eventually accept the lesson with grace and move on stronger, wiser and more compassionate than before into new life. "Be patient, be patient," He whispers. "Wait, just wait; and listen... Just listen."
I often get an image of God, where He is holding me with a tenderness and intense energy that wants to squeeze me tight like a tiny baby but must handle me so very gently as he tells me how beloved I am, treasured beyond measure. Love streams toward you constantly and you remain completely oblivious and unaware of it most of the time! Any self-blame, blame of others, irritation and hatreds, any criticism of yourself or others- spoken or unspoken is nothing to do with your divinely created soul or God. It is only ego. Resist it.
The thing about the greatest artists is that they were not- as they are so often caricatured- narcissistic, jealous, vindictive, egotistical, vain, attention-seeking monsters. Van Gogh, William Blake, Michael Chekhov, Emily Bronte, Shakespeare, Rembrandt; these individuals were full of love, of kindness, the quintessence of disciplined and altruistic devotion, surrendering their entire selves to something far far greater than mere self. Acceptance, fulfillment, nurturing affection were their predominant characteristics.
Most of them suffered unbearably, and endured such rejection and prejudice and ignorance but it never was used as excuse to say- "OK, I'm not going to do this any more; just let me teach for South Lanarkshire Council..."! No, they felt compelled to give, give, give the only way they knew how. You choosing NOT to emulate them, is egoistic because it is false humility. If you are not aiming to do the same as them then you have no real right to call yourself an artist. It would be a denial of God's perfect vision for you. These artists' connection to the divine was so deeply embedded in their natures that they never wanted for anything else but to remain connected to their Source. And the more they tried to empty themselves the fuller they became- like eternal spring of the sweet water of divine love- bubbling up to the surface and still doing so generations after they left us. You want this too.
We are all potentially just as capable of creating the same exquisite beauty as these geniuses in many unique ways .
Your mission (should you decide to accept it!) is to unlearn all the habits and the obstructions you have put in your way and forgive yourself in order to achieve oneness with your Source again.
Yes, passionate devotion to Truth represents the highest attitude to adopt for your acting, teaching and directing at this time. And agape is the best way to upgrade this energy to an ever-higher vibration. Look to nature, look to the heart-truths of what that teaches you. Take time to meditate carefully on it, not at a superficial level but at a deeper spiritually-connected level. Never just go by appearances but allow the imagination to really work with it and see that the process of creation is everywhere in the sights, sounds and even smells of nature and how God constantly feeds your own understanding of the artistic process through it. If you can't feel Him or sense Him then you need to clean your glasses! Nature reconnects you to your divine source- the trees in the park and the flowers, the grass, the birds, the insects, the animals, the earth all talk. Put your roots into the soil and draw up energy from the heart of the earth beneath you. Breathe in the sky and realise how richly blessed you truly are. It will always give you what you are looking for whenever you may feel blocked, or if God should seem absent or far away today. Nature is a gift that will keep on giving. Prise your heart open wider. Wider! Dwell on nature's beauty, its power and majesty; its holiness. Its preciousness and infinite intricacy, its patterns of perfection and plurality are sublime teachers. A kaleidoscopic symphony of colours, hues, sounds, a symphony of odours and textures surrounds you at all times. See it as God might see it and know that He's in charge of all of it, and it's all there to be inherited by you in any given instant. Ask yourself then,” Why would He not be able to find you and help you create with Him if He can do all this?" He hasn't left you stranded: He's always with you. Let Him meet you wherever you are. Succumb and be ravished by the verdant, fecund majesty all around you. Breathe it in deep, until you are one with it; until it and your Source are one with you.
Then go back to the work, fully renewed.
A prepared actor becomes surrounded by a radiant aura, invisible to the naked eye but sensed by the intuitive and the attuned spectator. This aura bathes the actor in a charisma, an energy that electrifies and thrills us. It comes from being present, fully present in the moment, in a state of grace and readiness to give- to keep on giving- in Love.
But as an actor you often find it difficult to sustain full connection. Moreover, the search for a formula that will fill in the missing pieces will remain a fruitless one until you acknowledge that you actually have the ability to heal yourself if only you will take authority in your own life, have the courage to follow what your inner voice is telling you moment by moment. You have finally heard your still inner voice say to you, “Get some acting training”, after opting not to listen for such a long time because you didn’t want to have to put your teaching career on hold and spend money learning from someone else. You chose to block out the voice within because it meant accepting a daunting, humbling challenge, being led away from the beaten track, requiring the difficult admission of uncertainty- “I don’t know this… I need some help… I am lost… I'm scared.” Your pride and laziness are always wrapped up in very 'reasonable' excuses. But reason, reason, reason cannot- cannot- produce miracles! Reason cannot comprehend, still less produce moments of sublime beauty and grace. It is no match and certainly no substitute for the irrational power and immensity of Love to create new worlds, or to usher in the age of the Ideal Theatre. You need to give up the blaming, the questionings, the shaming, the denial, the excuses, the human neediness that characterises the egoic response to failure. It is now time to unseat reason (and when I say this I don’t mean just choose to be reckless- not that kind of UNreason!), and allow God to be your guide and compass. You must cede control and allow reason to step aside, and so discern what the heart of God is communicating to you. And then just do it. To the vast majority of people this is just madness, but to a true artist it is the only way. Genius has the guts to follow and obey the inner voice. In years to come the reasons for the guidance given may become clear, but for now it is vital just to trust that you know the direction you must walk, but not your destination. Otherwise you will die here waiting to be given a map that will never materialise. Keep moving in the direction God is pointing you to go, and trust that eventually you will find life and the living springs once more.
The other voice that complains and whinges to God- “You owe me. I did this for you… I did my exercises, studied for years, I learned my lines... I prayed to be able to serve you to the best of my ability… I love you, therefore you owe me” will keep you wandering in circles. You harbour the unconscious expectation that God has to be reasonable, that as long as you give Him what he asks of you you are entitled to something back. No. Your duty to God is to serve him no matter what the price, and to be willing to keep on giving, giving, giving until you're empty. His perfect wisdom has something to teach you in the anticipated desert experience, but you will not learn that lesson as long as you continue looking only for the answers in places you have already been. "I need Equity minimum... I deserve star billing... I deserve to hit that rich vein of inspiration after all the vocal exercises and meditation, prayer and Psychological gesture work I’ve done..." No. NO. Miracles are not 'fair' and certainly not reasonable!
But it’s time to grow up and just accept that life is never fair. You are not a character in a fairy tale, but never be ashamed of your calling, your vocation. You are a son of God. Give all of yourself to radiating compassion and devotion to your Source. There is no room now for yielding to fear or doubt anymore. Acting at its best replaces fear with love; judgment with compassion; separation with unity. That is your calling as an artist, and is perhaps a good definition of your deep soul purpose as a teacher and writer too. This is a very profound form of healing, and it is best achieved when you call upon the Higher Self. love transforms, love liberates and inspires, love enters into the object of its love and sees deeply, love forgives, it vindicates and encourages, it absolves and blesses us and its object. It turns its object into a thing of beauty.
Juliette Binoche, interviewed on TV last night by Alan Yentob immediately following her first night performance (alongside the Bangladeshi dancer Akram Khan) of In-I at the National Theatre, was asked if she could sum up her feelings about the work. She replied, “It’s all about giving. Love and giving.”
Uh huh.
Monday, 9 June 2008
Divine Discontent
I am going to write here of something artists rarely talk about because it sounds fanatical, even crazymad. And this is going to come across like I have completely lost the plot. But I write this with all humility, because i know how far short I come of achieving my ideals.
But fuck it, it is what I think!!
My prayer life, daily meditation and spiritual writings have always been informed and intimately bound up with my experiences as an actor/ artist. Acting has remained my preferred and most creative form of worship for over 30 years. In my most sublime moments I like to think have been able to bring my entire soul to the acting process, as a gift returned to God... It is only then that the body and the mind and the heart all become imbued with the highest motives of my soul: 'gathered', as the Quakers might put it. It has been many years since I have really experienced this, but I do know first hand (better than anything else I have ever known) miracles in the theatre are possible. On those blessed 3 or 4 nights of communion with the divine (I told you it would sound mad!) I briefly succeeded in knowing what it is to become whole. It's not that I am perfect by any means (far from it!) but in those moments I am Being rather than behaving; totally congruent- inwardly and outwardly, bursting with the magic that transmutes the invisible and intangible universe of Spirit into the tangible, the worldly and the empirically real. The work feels touched, even embraced by God's truth, purity, grace and beauty; so easy and completely in the eternity of the now that I know it is God who is lifting me up and employing me as His channel.
...And it is exquisite.
So why can't it happen every night???! What prevents me from bringing my whole soul and every fibre of my being to the work each and every time, given that it means so much to me?
Well,fear, pride, shame about being inadequate or foolish, ingratitude to my Source, ambition, lack of faith, the desire to impress, the apparent safety of repeating ones successes (bad habits), all the mental nonsense interfering with your flow and focus- in fact the very same factors that interfere with all the many other forms of prayer or contemplation.
The purpose of my work as an actor is to be a channel of Love as I have already said in a previous blog. And, just as it is with any devout Mystic's earnest prayer, one is required as an actor to shed and utterly cede all egoistic control, to surrender and lie prostrate as you bathe in His divine influence and enter into the total bliss of fearlessness and yield to faith in the outrageous, the impossible. But this is never easy, because it ultimately depends on Grace and an utter and pure humility.
Most actors contrive to conjure in themselves (and hence their audiences) what Samuel Taylor Coleridge termed "the willing suspension of disbelief". But I think this neat little phrase enshrines a scant and tawdry form of 'artistic agnosticism',. It fails to foster full Flow and Connection. Coleridge's 'suspension' can only result in theatre that is comparatively mediocre and ultimately inert. It is only the truly great dramatists, directors and actors who will strive to go beyond this. These rare artists set their sights on creating not just a suspension of dis-belief, and not even mere belief. Instead they courageously pursue a dream of unshakeable Faith that can move souls to be totally transform under the light of Heaven. These geniuses in-spirit and en-courage us to live life in entirely new ways. Higher ways. Great acting proves to the hearts, minds and spirits who witness it that miracles are not just possible but inevitable when you commit fully to God's promises. In our cynical age where we want to ascribe such achievements to tricks, emotional manipulation, mass hypnotism, to scientifically measurable techniques and results, to psychological aberation or simple delusion, the art of acting must strive to retain its claim to being one of the last remaining antidotes to the zeitgeist of 21st century toxic Doubt. The theatre must lay assert its rights as a Temple where we can witness the full spiritual and transcendent supremacy of God's power moving mountains. It is time we stopped being ashamed or embarrassed of thinking in this way. OK it could be just an impossible ideal, a futile fantasy, but it is a Holy one and it can spur us on if we are willing to let it.
In my youth I would frighten myself with the possibilities of this power of which i write today. I feared that I might drive myself mad like poor old Ronald Colman playing Othello in that wonderful old movie A Double Life, and so I shied away from fully committing to these fanatical ideals. I would sit in Sutton Library as a 17 year old and devour Nietzsche and every acting book I could lay my hands on and dream all this stuff, but was too afraid to commit myself fully to it. Now I am approaching 50, and so much more secure in who I am and who I am not, I have to finally throw my old addictions to fear and pride aside and stand stripped naked before my God, without masks, and believe I am safe and relatively sound of mind. And so I here renew my vow- To surrender my will and soul to His service completely each time I act. Nothing else matters.
But fuck it, it is what I think!!
My prayer life, daily meditation and spiritual writings have always been informed and intimately bound up with my experiences as an actor/ artist. Acting has remained my preferred and most creative form of worship for over 30 years. In my most sublime moments I like to think have been able to bring my entire soul to the acting process, as a gift returned to God... It is only then that the body and the mind and the heart all become imbued with the highest motives of my soul: 'gathered', as the Quakers might put it. It has been many years since I have really experienced this, but I do know first hand (better than anything else I have ever known) miracles in the theatre are possible. On those blessed 3 or 4 nights of communion with the divine (I told you it would sound mad!) I briefly succeeded in knowing what it is to become whole. It's not that I am perfect by any means (far from it!) but in those moments I am Being rather than behaving; totally congruent- inwardly and outwardly, bursting with the magic that transmutes the invisible and intangible universe of Spirit into the tangible, the worldly and the empirically real. The work feels touched, even embraced by God's truth, purity, grace and beauty; so easy and completely in the eternity of the now that I know it is God who is lifting me up and employing me as His channel.
...And it is exquisite.
So why can't it happen every night???! What prevents me from bringing my whole soul and every fibre of my being to the work each and every time, given that it means so much to me?
Well,fear, pride, shame about being inadequate or foolish, ingratitude to my Source, ambition, lack of faith, the desire to impress, the apparent safety of repeating ones successes (bad habits), all the mental nonsense interfering with your flow and focus- in fact the very same factors that interfere with all the many other forms of prayer or contemplation.
The purpose of my work as an actor is to be a channel of Love as I have already said in a previous blog. And, just as it is with any devout Mystic's earnest prayer, one is required as an actor to shed and utterly cede all egoistic control, to surrender and lie prostrate as you bathe in His divine influence and enter into the total bliss of fearlessness and yield to faith in the outrageous, the impossible. But this is never easy, because it ultimately depends on Grace and an utter and pure humility.
Most actors contrive to conjure in themselves (and hence their audiences) what Samuel Taylor Coleridge termed "the willing suspension of disbelief". But I think this neat little phrase enshrines a scant and tawdry form of 'artistic agnosticism',. It fails to foster full Flow and Connection. Coleridge's 'suspension' can only result in theatre that is comparatively mediocre and ultimately inert. It is only the truly great dramatists, directors and actors who will strive to go beyond this. These rare artists set their sights on creating not just a suspension of dis-belief, and not even mere belief. Instead they courageously pursue a dream of unshakeable Faith that can move souls to be totally transform under the light of Heaven. These geniuses in-spirit and en-courage us to live life in entirely new ways. Higher ways. Great acting proves to the hearts, minds and spirits who witness it that miracles are not just possible but inevitable when you commit fully to God's promises. In our cynical age where we want to ascribe such achievements to tricks, emotional manipulation, mass hypnotism, to scientifically measurable techniques and results, to psychological aberation or simple delusion, the art of acting must strive to retain its claim to being one of the last remaining antidotes to the zeitgeist of 21st century toxic Doubt. The theatre must lay assert its rights as a Temple where we can witness the full spiritual and transcendent supremacy of God's power moving mountains. It is time we stopped being ashamed or embarrassed of thinking in this way. OK it could be just an impossible ideal, a futile fantasy, but it is a Holy one and it can spur us on if we are willing to let it.
In my youth I would frighten myself with the possibilities of this power of which i write today. I feared that I might drive myself mad like poor old Ronald Colman playing Othello in that wonderful old movie A Double Life, and so I shied away from fully committing to these fanatical ideals. I would sit in Sutton Library as a 17 year old and devour Nietzsche and every acting book I could lay my hands on and dream all this stuff, but was too afraid to commit myself fully to it. Now I am approaching 50, and so much more secure in who I am and who I am not, I have to finally throw my old addictions to fear and pride aside and stand stripped naked before my God, without masks, and believe I am safe and relatively sound of mind. And so I here renew my vow- To surrender my will and soul to His service completely each time I act. Nothing else matters.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)