An Actor Prepares...

The following is from a recent article I wrote for a Glasgow Quaker magazine, Elmbank Events. A week before I go to drama school it summarises the journey that has brought me to this watershed moment in my life.

“I don't care where an actor acts. It can be in summer stock, it can be over a radio, it can be over television, it can be in a goddam Broadway theatre, complete with the most fashionable, most well-fed, most sunburned-looking audience you can imagine. But I'll tell you a terrible secret—Are you listening to me?…There isn't anyone anywhere that isn't Seymour's Fat Lady. Don't you know that? Don't you know that goddam secret yet? And don't you know—listen to me, now—don't you know who that Fat Lady really is? . . . Ah, buddy. Ah, buddy. It's Christ Himself. Christ Himself, buddy.” (J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey)


On Monday 28th September I will leave my job as a school teacher in Hamilton to become a student on the MA course at the RSAMD in Contemporary & Classical Text.

It’s 33 years since I nervously stepped on stage for the first time, aged 16, in Theatre Workshop for Youth’s production of Pinter’s The Birthday Party. And I’ve continued to act in theatre ever since- in literally hundreds of amateur and professional tours and productions. Yet only now, at the grand old age of 49, am I grasping the nettle, investing my life savings and fulfilling a lifelong dream by going to drama school.

And before you even think it- no, this isn't just some mad, mid-life crisis! Actually it's a decision that has been made after decades of prayer, soul-searching and meditation. I was very keen to ensure I wasn’t just doing this for egoic reasons but from a more profound need to serve others. Maybe that's why it’s taken me so long to get round to it. But over the last couple of years since attending my first Quaker meeting the Advice and Query about “living adventurously”, and” letting your life speak” (Quaker Faith & Practice; 1.02, 27) has really spoken to my condition. Having got so used to putting security far too high up on my list of priorities it was high time I started living more authentically, got my inner and outward life into alignment, and trusted that God would support that!

I feel like some terrible ‘luvvie’ confessing this, but increasingly over the years the art of acting has become for me a kind of spiritual quest. In fact it’s really an exceptionally potent form of praise and worship for me, founded on concentrated compassion and empathy- at least when it’s done well! (Quaker Benjamin Lloyd writes brilliantly about the actor as a conduit for spiritual energy in his epistolary novel, “The Actor’s Way”.) And so I am finally going to drama school to learn how to act better! And it’s a quantum leap. Acting utilizes the power of Imagination to effect transformation and transcendence- for the actor AND his audience. A very high calling indeed! Many of my friends (with a small f) outside the meeting- many of whom work in theatre- have expressed concern that I may be taking too big a gamble, that it's a bad time, I have to be prepared to fail, that it will be awfully difficult financially, that I may well be disappointed... and- think of the debt! etc. Well, yes, I know all this; but still I’m determined to remain hopeful and optimistic. I would like to thank Friends in the Glasgow meeting for their advice in this matter. You have all been incredibly positive, supportive and affirming when I have discussed my decision with you.

God makes us custodian of Light, wardens of our talents so they can be used for the benefit others. Of course it would be perfectly possible for me to continue serving Him and sharing my gifts through teaching and in many other ways, but I am now convinced that that would really be a craven compromise. I serve Him and others best when I am on the stage playing characters.

God doesn’t mind so much that we make mistakes (and God knows I’ve made a good few in my time!) but I think He must get very disappointed with our apathy, when we don’t try to do our very best with what we are given. So I take this leap in faith; only He knows what lies ahead. The challenge of living my life with greater authenticity and courage instead of remaining in a cocoon of stagnancy and safe employment feels huge and very, very scary right now, even trusting the promise that God will be with me throughout this time and beyond!

Still, my wife Karen, and I would greatly welcome your prayers at this time.

In Friendship,

Mark Coleman

- AS IF: The Actor's Role in Closing the Empathy Deficit using 'Reverse Engineering'

Let's start with a definition-

“To perceive the internal frame of reference of another with accuracy and with the emotional components and meanings which pertain thereto as if one were the person, but without ever losing the “as if” condition. Thus, it means to sense the hurt or the pleasure of another as he senses it and to perceive the causes thereof as he perceives them, but without ever losing the recognition that it is as if I were hurt or pleased and so forth... It means temporarily living in the other’s life, moving about in it delicately without making judgments; it means sensing meanings of which he or she is scarcely aware, but not trying to uncover totally unconscious feelings, since this would he too threatening. It includes communicating your sensing of the person’s world as you look with fresh and unfrightened eyes....”

A perfect definition of what acting is. The concept of "As If" referred to here is one with which devotees of Stanislavski will be intimately familiar for sure. Stan also calls it "the Magic IF".

Except this definition doesn't actually come from Stanislavski, nor Michael Chekhov, nor from any other acting teacher or theorist. In fact it comes from the writings of the originator of Person-Centred Counselling, Dr Carl Rogers, and is the most commonly accepted definition in psychology nowadays for "Empathy".

Constantin Stanislavski (1863-1938)

Carl Rogers (1902-1987)

The word 'empathy' is, surprisingly enough, just a century old- first used in the

Edward Bradford Titchener (1867-1927)

English language by the psychologist E.B. Titchener in 1909, although later adopted and popularised by Rogers. Coincidentally, 1909 was the same year when 2 manuscripts were drafted by Stanislavski in his notebook as he was directing the historic landmark production of Turgenev's A Month in the Country in Moscow. During this period the great man was greatly inspired by watching his 6-year old niece playing "What if" games. It was these manuscripts which eventually became the core thesis for Stanislavski's masterwork trilogy beginning with An Actor Prepares, where he writes.:

"Bring yourself to the part..., as if it were your own life. Speak for your character in your own person. When you sense this real kinship to your part, your newly created being will become soul of your soul, flesh of your flesh."

The word empathy is a translation of the German word ‘Einfühlung’. Einfühlung was originally introduced by Theodore Lipps a few years previously into the vocabulary of aesthetics and psychology to describe the relationship between an art and the audience, who imaginatively project themselves into the contemplated object. Empathy and the concept of acting have a great deal in common. In fact the reason my blog is entitled Only Connect is because I strongly believe acting must involve a highly disciplined and specific form of emotional connection or empathy. Both empathy and acting are essentially imaginative processes that share a power to foster powerful emotional connections in the "I-thou" relationship. And they are connections that are highly infectious in the right conditions. If the actor fully empathises with his character the audience are more prone to being drawn into and identify with that character's journey too. Empathy is catching!

What got me thinking about all this empathy stuff was listening to a recent speech by US President Barack Obama:

"...There’s a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit — the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us — the child who’s hungry, the laid-off steelworker, the immigrant woman cleaning your dorm room.
As you go on in life, cultivating this quality of empathy will become harder, not easier. There’s no community service requirement in the real world; no one forcing you to care. You’ll be free to live in neighborhoods with people who are exactly like yourself, and send your kids to the same schools, and narrow your concerns to what’s going on in your own little circle.
Not only that — we live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principal goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained. A culture where those in power too often encourage these selfish impulses.
They will tell you that the Americans who sleep in the streets and beg for food got there because they’re all lazy or weak of spirit. That the inner-city children who are trapped in dilapidated schools can’t learn and won’t learn and so we should just give up on them entirely. That the innocent people being slaughtered and expelled from their homes half a world away are somebody else’s problem to take care of.
I hope you don’t listen to this. I hope you choose to broaden, and not contract, your ambit of concern. Not because you have an obligation to those who are less fortunate, although you do have that obligation. Not because you have a debt to all of those who helped you get to where you are, although you do have that debt.
It’s because you have an obligation to yourself. Because our individual salvation depends on collective salvation. And because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you will realize your true potential — and become full-grown."

Beautiful political rhetoric, but for me this goes to the very very heart of all that is wrong in the world today. Obama's words inspired me more than anything I'd ever heard from a politician. He goes on to explain how he believes books/litercy/education have such a vital role in the fight to reduce this empathy deficit. But for me drama, and especially theatre, can be a vastly more potent means for achieving the same thing. It's always been a spiritual /philosophical/political tool for just the kind radical revolution of spirit Obama is talking about here- like no other in fact. But people seemed to have stopped listening, and it's high time we ask ourselves why that is.

I've been meditating on empathy and it's associations with theatre and the art of acting a great deal these past few weeks as I get my head together to start at drama school. Part of my inner work was to do with questioning just why acting is so necessary to me- to the world. I can't help but suspect there won't be many classes in empathy while I'm at the RSAMD. Let's face it, there won't be any at all,! which, to be blunt, is a serious omission in any actor's education! Empathy, the stepping into another's shoes, is the foundation after all for everything the actor does at the end of the day.

In the theatre we can feel the pain of a suffering protagonist—but in a safe space. A sacred space, where we practise and hone our empathy skills. This is why and how art can helps us grow and mature. It provides a context in which we are less prone to the distractions and distortions created by our own lower egos. We are able to refine our understanding of the other without the white noise coming from our own ‘personal baggage’. I am bound to invite criticism here, but I think this is why I have an aversion to Lee Strasberg’s 'Method' because I equate his approach with a more personal healing process- one which is fundamentally focused on and motivated by the smaller ego. The same for Meisner, but for opposite reasons- because the focus there is placed very much on the other. A balance that finds the fulcrum in the symbiotic I-thou dynamic relationship characterises true empathy. With Practical Aesthetics the emphasis is on the action or actions (apologies to my friend Mark Westbrook!) rather than feelings.

But it is hopefully understood by the reader that drama is NOT, or at least SHOULDN’T be the same as mere escapism or ‘getting lost in a character’s story’, or emotional self-indulgenmce! No, it is about finding our real Higher selves, our souls if you like. Shakespeare makes us feel the emotions of Lear, Cleopatra, or Hamlet more keenly than we are capable of feeling them in our own everyday lives. And that is because their experiences are distilled through the active process of empathy.
I believe that if theatre is to address any form of religious or political agenda (or not!) then it needs to begin with fostering Empathy in the artist and the spectator, rather than assume that it exists already. Empathy and the basic human need for it is why theatre exists.

We human beings are often afraid of feelings. We desensitise ourselves and pretend they don’t exist in others, as well as in ourselves. It is an understandable if dishonest and fearful desire to protect our egos from feeling under attack. We need to overcome this by being aware that we are cutting ourselves off from what we feel. We need to be honest with ourselves, and that takes a lot of courage. As so called grown-ups we are not meant to discuss how hurt we are. How innocent and naïve we are. How jealous, how weak, how vulnerable and scared we are. The people who do are called "childish", "weak" or "nuts".

....OR- "Actors"!

As mature adults we need to find a way to communicate and find a place where common ground can be located, the sense that I feel the same as others do, and get them to admit to themselves that they are the same as me. That place is the theatre.

I think drama schools have an obligation to teach the value empathy to their classes, and ways of increasing the actors’ capacity for connectivity and compassion for and with others.

However, much as I love poetry and language, all forms of verbal and written communication, words are treacherous aren't they?- And frequently-at least the way I employ them- grossly inaccurate misrepresentations of what is really meant.

So that's why I find Michael Chekhov's Psychological Gesture technique such a powerful means for me of accessing what is really going on at a more profound soul level, far more so than mere language permits. And the curious thing is that my own PG for my Feeling of the Whole, my holistic sense of what Acting itself means bears an uncanny resemblance to what my PG(s) for empathy/compassion and Love look like. They are identical in fact.

Both start with my arms out wide and then slowly placing my hands together- as if very gently compressing and concentrating air between my palms (this is something like a distilling of heart energy), and then yielding to opening up the arms again, this time extending upwards and outwards into the infinite space beyond me in a huge, expansive 'sharing' gesture, as my chin and chest lift. It makes me think of warmth, sunlight; a rapturous, fearless surrender to orgasmic martyrdom. :-) It's a profoundly satifying creative sequence of movements to complete, sustain and radiate. The precise same gesture encapsulates my deepest sense of what both acting and empathy really are. To me the felt sense of both words are essentially one and the same at a psycho-physical level.

Medical students are now taught in medical school to be more empathic. Why not drama school? Actors are in the business of healing too aren't they? Professors and consultants teach the students’ beside manner by getting them to practise asking patients the following questions:

"Can you tell me more about that?" "What has this been like for you?" "How has all of this made you feel?"
"Let me see if I've gotten this right ..." "Tell me more about ..." "I want to make sure I understand what you've said ..." "Sounds like you are ...""I imagine that must be ...""I can understand that must make you feel ..." etc.

Actors can be taught to ask the same questions to probe the characters they play using Michael Chekhov’s method of conversing with their imaginary character as if they were real (Many modern acting teachers, the Practical Aesthetics mob especially, refuse to accept that the "character" is real, and this is only ever going to shut down any real possibility of empathy.) This questioning can be done on one's own in a similar way to what mediums call channelling. It can also by done through hot-seating in the rehearsal room/classroom too, although I suspect less effectively, particularly in the early stages of rehearsal.
Why then aren’t drama schools teaching their actors to do this? It's fear I believe. Pure and simple... Fear. The excuses that doctors give for not using these techniques for empathy with their clients are very similar to the ones lazy actors use , and it is easy to see actors and acting teachers making the same excuses for avoiding engaging witht the challenges of true empathy.

It is primarily seen as impractical, a waste of time, etc:

"There is not enough time for that nonsense."
"It is not relevant, and I'm too busy focusing on the problem(s)."
"Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me."
"I don't want to open that Pandora's box."

-and

"I haven't had enough training"!!

Well we could do worse than start with what life coach and author of "Finding Your Own North Star", Martha Beck, calls Reverse Engineering:

Martha Beck

“Imitate, as closely as you can, the physical posture, facial expression, exact words, and vocal inflection they used during your encounter with another. Notice what emotions arise within you. What you feel will probably be very close to whatever the other person was going through. For example, when I "reverse engineer" the behavior of people I experience as critical or aloof, I usually find myself flooded with feelings of shyness, shame, or fear. It's a lesson that has saved me no end of worry and defensiveness.”

This bears a remarkable similarity to Michael Chekhov's Imaginary Body exercise, but perhaps it goes even further. The body shapes itself in response to emotion, and shaping one's own body to match someone else's body language, vocal tone, even breathing rate is a fast-track to empathy.

You can do the same with animals and objects ("Be a tree, luvvies!), atmospheres, colours, whatever , not just people.

Martha Beck again:

“The benefits are enormous: an awareness of union that banishes loneliness, a natural ability to connect and relate to others, protection from idiot compassion, a wider, deeper life. As your empathy grows, you'll find that it's infinite and that through it, you transcend your isolation and find yourself at home in the universe. I promise, it'll do your heart good.”

And this is really what acting does for me. It gives me an "empathy work-out"! And I make the audience do it with me! OK it has in the past led to bouts of compassion fatigue on occasion, but that is why I now choose to meditate, keep a daily journal and try to be kinder to myself and others these days- treating myself to walks or simply being by myself as all part of my artistic process.

But acting is really one of the most healings things because it is all about empathic connection.

And they really should be teaching it in 21st century drama schools.

"What do you believe that you can act like this?"

Message on plaque at the main gate of Dartington Hall

"Artists are specialists in the spiritual sense, otherwise they are puppets and nothing else.” Michael Chekhov

George Shdanoff: Misha, what are we doing here in Hollywood? We did not become involved to make better actors for Louis B. Meyer.

Michael Chekhov: We are not making better actors for Louis B. Meyer. We are helping people to grow spiritually, George, to become better human beings.

“Spiritual values are more concrete than concrete things”. Michael Chekhov

I love that apocryphal story about Michael Chekhov who, having just finished the first night performance of Hamlet, was pursued by crowds of Russian people as he rode in his carriage through the streets of Moscow, yelling after him:

“What do you believe that you can act like this?”

I long for my audiences to ask the very same question. That said, I am not in the least interested, nor have I ever been, in religious propaganda, a la Riding Lights etc. The artist is not a catechist, as Thomas Merton would have it. But I want the practicality of Love to make such an impact on my process the spectator is awe-struck. I long, through my work, to inspire in him a deep hunger for more knowledge about how to expand and express his own divine potential. I aim to heal, to in-spire and en-courage with my acting; and then to entertain and enlighten. Now I can continue to try to do this through my teaching, but I know I do it much more effectively through my acting.

Of course I do still retain a lower ego as an actor that fights for attention with its silly aspirations and vanities, its desire to be noticed and feted; and it continues to insist on getting in the way of my higher purposes despite my best intentions. But my aims have notwithstanding deepened since i began meditating- and they have begun to embrace a larger, more universal intention since I saw that plaque outside Dartington Hall (above) back in 2005. And as part of this deeper awareness and 'spiritualising' of my acting process these aims have become more refined and clarified. And of course part of this process in reconnecting with my divine purpose as an artist is my decision to apply for drama school- ideally (idealistically!?) to go much deeper into applying the lessons in a concrete way which I have been learning through my reading, meditating and writing in the abstract these last few years. I have always somehow known that an actor must train to develop the ability to grow spiritually. The two things have always been inseparable for me in fact, even though I have for one reason or another (usually inspired by fear) gone through lengthy periods trying to deny it. It's actually this symbiotic union that attracted me to acting in the first place-. It was always the most powerful means for exploring my spiritual potential, for tapping into higher levels of wisdom, being and compassion. Was it Artaud who said that the actor is an apprentice god? This is territory the lecturers, tutors and directors at the RSAMD will never go anywhere near of course! It will be up to you to take care of this core aspect of your development as an artist, as indeed it always has been your own private responsibility. Yeah, they'll teach you techniques and methodologies, but that is the end of the story as far as they are concerned. They cannot give you more talent, or make your soul grow. That must remain your own private business. Thankfully your own Inward Light can continue to be your own private tutor, your personal acting coach and guide, on call 24/7. It is this inner light which is the primary source and access point for your creative power as an artist. It offers the gift transformation, the promise of transcendence. No-one else can give you this beauty, nor indeed can they take it away. At least at MA level, where you are much more responsible for your own learning, you can continue to nurture this Inward Light by meditation and psychophysical means as part of your own daily discipline, and your Quaker faith, without interference from them- embodying the infinite potentialities and inspirations offered you by your Higher Self whilst the college lecturers suggest ways to apply it. Your inner guide will be a reliable way of sifting and organising the help they can give you, and selecting those teachings that may be used to help you become a better performer, and discarding those that will not. The RSAMD is an educational institution: they assess and grade students by empirical, objective means. This is of course total nonsense, but they have not found a way of measuring artistic success, or managing to give it a credible, quantitative evaluation. Because acting is primarily a qualitative, intuitive, non-intellectual activity when it is done well, they will never be able to teach you anything profoundly helpful. They cannot give you this. Their job is to offer students certain techniques and methodologies. It is then up to me to take these means (or not) and use them as function of the Holy Spirit.

If acting were that simple to quantify, then they could bottle the magic that great acting generates and put it in the college water supply. But acting is not a science. Because educational institutions attempt to appraise and calculate it in this absurd manner it is easy to dismiss the merits and value of such establishments, but as an artist who is hopefully on the threshold of entering its portals I need to accept and understand the limitations of their tools for assessment, and chooses to work within them. I must remember that all human measurements of artistic talent or 'worth' are flawed and inadequate. As Michael Chekhov said: "Acting is meditation". It cannot be measured. Knowing this makes me feel even less nervous about going higher now, because it is not my lower ego making me do this. God is. I am ascending because the intention is to take the work into the wider world. (I did not say my work- I said the work.) I am merely an ambassador, a humble channel for this stuff- a servant, a messenger. This is no false humility. The drive to act emanates from the divine, not from little 'Mark Coleman'.

King Lear (2006)

These past 4 or 5 years have been about gradually breaking free of this small-minded bondage, the impure intentions of feathering my own egoic nest that had corrupted my work for so long. In place of the mediocre aims of getting rave reviews for my work, or simply nurturing my own inner growth as an artist in order to become more impressive- what might be called politely art for art's sake, but is really art for my own sake!- it has become more and more about His sake- the desire to share something authentic and enriching through acting, to create better, more compassionate characterisations and so inspire other human beings in the audience- to herald the arrival of a kingdom of heaven, if you like, where people understand the true power of faith, imagination and belief to alter their reality. To, in the end, say something that will survive me. I have begun to grasp that the function of art- my function- is so much wider- not just in a token , intellectual sense- but so much more on a macro level, making a contribution to society and the wider world, to the soul development of Mankind. This is why I want folk to be moved to ask the same question that the crowds asked after seeing Michael Chekhov perform Hamlet.

And what do I believe?

It can summarised in three words:

All is Love.

with Cathal Quinn in Keats in Limbo (1994)

A simple message of course, especially when expressed in such bald terms- no doubt a fatuous one when written down or spoken aloud, but it is a message that keeps engulfing me (!) and all other voices in my daily meditations, one I can't ignore. And it is a call from a non-space of non-action to act authentically in space and time. I instinctively know that from this one perfect gift of divine wisdom is spawned everything else needed for the abundant life of creation.

Love as compassion. I am yearning for my audience to hear this silent call to embrace their fellow man with infinite, unconditional compassion. Meister Eckhart said "God's best name is compassion."

The actor's art is the Art of Compassion. I can think of no better definition. The actor enlarges his talent by seeking processes that enable him to embody compassion more and more... and more fully.

To make the ‘Inner’ content outwardly manifest- faithfully and authentically, to embody through the actor's psychophysical means Love into the world- through giving, giving, giving.

This must be your mantra as you prepare to study at drama school:

To give...

to give...

TO GIVE.

Don Juan in Don Juan Comes Back from the War

(Odon Von Horvath) (1993)

As far back as I can remember I’ve been burdened with a deep-seated inferiority complex about my lack of intellect. This seems ridiculous to others who may be- on paper at least- less well qualified. Yet despite the nine O-levels, two A-levels, my good BA honours degree, and even that Distinction in Speech & Drama at Post Graduate level I still beat myself up for being thick. This stems from always feeling out of my depth as a child- treated by my parents and siblings, my schoolteachers and friends as if I was a bit soft in the head. I can now see that this was the impetus behind me studying so hard for all those years for all those bloody certificates and qualifications. I had a point to prove to ‘Them’, and to my self I suppose. And until relatively recently I have continued to flog myself to achieve some kind of academic status and credibility. And what a VAIN endeavour- in all the senses of that word! For what in the end does it all add up to? I have a career teaching others the same set of values, a career that extols the virtues of those silly academic qualifications. A career I have very little passion for any more.
I have a deep understanding and compassion for the academically challenged, but no sympathy at all for the lazy and wilfully ignorant who constitute the vast majority of my students. But, ironically enough, I reserve my most poisonous contempt for those who are gifted and lazy/ungrateful.. I earned all I have with blood, sweat and tears. I fucking worked for it without having any real natural aptitude. And yet I still find myself advocating the meaning of qualifications with no real faith in their importance- the chasing after the spurious and empty credibility of ‘decent grades’ and ultimately meaningless qualifications.

And yet here I sit in my study this evening, drafting an application for an MA in Acting Classical and Contemporary Text for the RSAMD. I ran out of space on the form listing all my qualifications and relevant experience. And yes, OK, it will be nice to have another piece of paper, assuming I get accepted on the course and do well enough; but- you know what?- for once in my life this is not why I am considering putting myself through the torture of formal education again. Because for once it isn’t fear of humiliation or failure that motivates me any more. It’s love.

And, yes, I know how just how lame that sounds. But these last two or three years I have begun to get in touch with transformations taking place at a very profound, ineffable level. I have found myself gradually shifting my focus away from the strivings of 'achievement' and egoic 'point scoring', and towards a far richer and more soulful- and actually quite self-effacing and humbling- perspective. And this is for me a paradigm shift. Of course to the outside eye I still look like I'm the same old me. But I’ve worked hard at finding a way through the fog of ‘adulthood’- a constructed identity that has grown quite dense around m. I've begun to value the importance of my latent gifts for connection with spirit- the child-like creative play where life has its true beginnings. “My Highest for His Best” has far less to do with being recognised for cleverness now than it ever has before. I have learned (un-learned?) to now be truly grateful for simple Passion and Devotion, to apply myself to the gifts of Kindness, of Faith to plain and untestable convictions. I know that far more than Knowledge and Understanding I seek Connection and Flow with my divine source- the Light, or the Seed, as we Quakers are wont to call it. Love. If I get accepted on this course it is not so I can improve my employment prospects. It's not so I can share my expertise with others in the classroom either. I am simply anticipating the unadulterated joy of expanding my consciousness at unplumbed levels, and most probably in ways I will never be able to fully articulate or justify to any one else. This will sound ridiculous to everyone else- especially other drama students and even the lecturers. I am looking to explore the profound union between my spirit and my art. But I can’t write that on my application form or I risk coming across as a time-waster/ wanker/ nutter. So I’m forced to trot out the predictable empty bollocks about 'augmenting my skils', 'enhancing my employment prospects', blah, blah, blah...

Utter shite of course. I don't actually care if they fail me.

No, this is something to do with becoming that ‘mystic without a monastery’ of which Caroline Myss speaks. (Actually, she was in Scotland for 3 days last week, lecturing at Findhorn and I would have loved to have gone along and met her if it hadn’t have been for Tally’s Blood.)
But right now it is much more important I know I am doing this for me…

For God.

And for Love. Pure and simple.
:-)

Farewell

Last night of Tally's Blood tonight.

:-(

I am feeling sentimental and nostalgic already. But I have to ask myself what in the end have these two or three months of work actually meant? What’s been learned? What contribution has been made to the world, if any, with this Tally’s Blood?

Well, first of all, I guess I’ve finally understood that it is more important to cast folk who have an aptitude for getting on with other folk, rather than always the best individual talents. It has confirmed for me that people’s egos can and often do corrode the love that might otherwise generate and anoint truly beautiful work. To their credit this wonderful team of mine worked in an unstintingly ensemble fashion, very close to old Chekhov’s ideal I like to think, without any overweening egos getting in the way.

I have also learned that I can use my own experience and abilities as a director to forge deep personal connections between people, and so create uncomplicated joy and straightforward entertainment rather than experiments and artistic ‘interpretations’- my usual brand of grim, brow-furrowing, chin-stroking, serious ‘Art’. And that is actually OK!! The pretentious critics and arty snobs can get stuffed!!! We sold out every night; but that does NOT mean we ‘sold out’! There is absolutely no reason to feel ashamed when you consider the seeds of love and compassion sewn in those who have been involved.

I have learned that my dear Karen has a richer talent than even I realised before, making the work look so easy, and capable of moving many people to affectionate tears and laughter as Rosinella. She has made the most of the gift I gave her when I cast her in the role, and this fills me with such pride. She made the part her very own; and, as many others have said, it is difficult to think of anyone else who could play the role so perfectly. And of course Karen herself has had an absolute ball. I really couldn’t have done this show if she hadn’t agreed to play the role- and, not to put too fine a point on it, the success of the production is due to her- and Robert’s- experience, humanity, generosity of heart, patience and talent.

I seem to have rekindled faith in my own abilities as a director; and despite all the stresses and strains the last time I stood at the helm of a production I can afford to take some pride again in bringing out the best in performers.

As cheesy as it sounds, this cast have become like a family and I will miss them. They are definitely going to miss each other.

And ultimately it is this, more than anything else, which gives me the most satisfaction: the fact that I brought these people together and helped forge those personal, creative bonds and so bring about something just a little bit magical in the process.

PS … And I think our audiences loved it too! :-)

Love and Giving

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Love, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not Love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Love, it profiteth me nothing."
(1 Corinthians 13)


I have not written here for a while . My spirit has been hibernating I think, plus I have been busy of course with rehearsals for Tally's Blood.

What follows is really going to be just a vomited random stream of consciousness, maybe a sort of prayer, a snapshot of where my mind/heart/soul is 'at' right now. It's no doubt heavily influenced by my reading of Carolyn Myss' Entering the Castle and Anatomy of the Spirit, James Hollis' The Middle Passage, lots of poetry and of course Michael Chekhov.

Choosing to follow the Light does not mean you will be able to avoid darkness, but you must never seek the darkness or go out of your way to suffer just so you can either learn, or even unlearn. The way of light is the one that will lead to your ultimate goal. If you are in darkness it may well not be your fault; and yet, on the other hand, it might be! This is for you to pray about- but there are always choices available. Those choices are best made in the quietude of contemplation, that's all. You are alive, ergo you will suffer pain- it's absolutely unavoidable. Accept that, and carry on. This might scare you, but you must face it down. Carolyn Myss has made me realise that sometimes I do attract suffering and chaos into my life as a way of getting personal space- illness comes, separation from what I love, feeling blocked etc. But this is the way life and God teaches compassion- in the grace of solitude that suffering brings with it, for even loneliness is not without its subtle gifts and blessings and opportunities. And remember you always survive and cope. Always. Fear is, in time, transformed to joy. You eventually accept the lesson with grace and move on stronger, wiser and more compassionate than before into new life. "Be patient, be patient," He whispers. "Wait, just wait; and listen... Just listen."

I often get an image of God, where He is holding me with a tenderness and intense energy that wants to squeeze me tight like a tiny baby but must handle me so very gently as he tells me how beloved I am, treasured beyond measure. Love streams toward you constantly and you remain completely oblivious and unaware of it most of the time! Any self-blame, blame of others, irritation and hatreds, any criticism of yourself or others- spoken or unspoken is nothing to do with your divinely created soul or God. It is only ego. Resist it.

The thing about the greatest artists is that they were not- as they are so often caricatured- narcissistic, jealous, vindictive, egotistical, vain, attention-seeking monsters. Van Gogh, William Blake, Michael Chekhov, Emily Bronte, Shakespeare, Rembrandt; these individuals were full of love, of kindness, the quintessence of disciplined and altruistic devotion, surrendering their entire selves to something far far greater than mere self. Acceptance, fulfillment, nurturing affection were their predominant characteristics.
Most of them suffered unbearably, and endured such rejection and prejudice and ignorance but it never was used as excuse to say- "OK, I'm not going to do this any more; just let me teach for South Lanarkshire Council..."! No, they felt compelled to give, give, give the only way they knew how. You choosing NOT to emulate them, is egoistic because it is false humility. If you are not aiming to do the same as them then you have no real right to call yourself an artist. It would be a denial of God's perfect vision for you. These artists' connection to the divine was so deeply embedded in their natures that they never wanted for anything else but to remain connected to their Source. And the more they tried to empty themselves the fuller they became- like eternal spring of the sweet water of divine love- bubbling up to the surface and still doing so generations after they left us. You want this too.
We are all potentially just as capable of creating the same exquisite beauty as these geniuses in many unique ways .
Your mission (should you decide to accept it!) is to unlearn all the habits and the obstructions you have put in your way and forgive yourself in order to achieve oneness with your Source again.

Yes, passionate devotion to Truth represents the highest attitude to adopt for your acting, teaching and directing at this time. And agape is the best way to upgrade this energy to an ever-higher vibration. Look to nature, look to the heart-truths of what that teaches you. Take time to meditate carefully on it, not at a superficial level but at a deeper spiritually-connected level. Never just go by appearances but allow the imagination to really work with it and see that the process of creation is everywhere in the sights, sounds and even smells of nature and how God constantly feeds your own understanding of the artistic process through it. If you can't feel Him or sense Him then you need to clean your glasses! Nature reconnects you to your divine source- the trees in the park and the flowers, the grass, the birds, the insects, the animals, the earth all talk. Put your roots into the soil and draw up energy from the heart of the earth beneath you. Breathe in the sky and realise how richly blessed you truly are. It will always give you what you are looking for whenever you may feel blocked, or if God should seem absent or far away today. Nature is a gift that will keep on giving. Prise your heart open wider. Wider! Dwell on nature's beauty, its power and majesty; its holiness. Its preciousness and infinite intricacy, its patterns of perfection and plurality are sublime teachers. A kaleidoscopic symphony of colours, hues, sounds, a symphony of odours and textures surrounds you at all times. See it as God might see it and know that He's in charge of all of it, and it's all there to be inherited by you in any given instant. Ask yourself then,” Why would He not be able to find you and help you create with Him if He can do all this?" He hasn't left you stranded: He's always with you. Let Him meet you wherever you are. Succumb and be ravished by the verdant, fecund majesty all around you. Breathe it in deep, until you are one with it; until it and your Source are one with you.

Then go back to the work, fully renewed.

A prepared actor becomes surrounded by a radiant aura, invisible to the naked eye but sensed by the intuitive and the attuned spectator. This aura bathes the actor in a charisma, an energy that electrifies and thrills us. It comes from being present, fully present in the moment, in a state of grace and readiness to give- to keep on giving- in Love.

But as an actor you often find it difficult to sustain full connection. Moreover, the search for a formula that will fill in the missing pieces will remain a fruitless one until you acknowledge that you actually have the ability to heal yourself if only you will take authority in your own life, have the courage to follow what your inner voice is telling you moment by moment. You have finally heard your still inner voice say to you, “Get some acting training”, after opting not to listen for such a long time because you didn’t want to have to put your teaching career on hold and spend money learning from someone else. You chose to block out the voice within because it meant accepting a daunting, humbling challenge, being led away from the beaten track, requiring the difficult admission of uncertainty- “I don’t know this… I need some help… I am lost… I'm scared.” Your pride and laziness are always wrapped up in very 'reasonable' excuses. But reason, reason, reason cannot- cannot- produce miracles! Reason cannot comprehend, still less produce moments of sublime beauty and grace. It is no match and certainly no substitute for the irrational power and immensity of Love to create new worlds, or to usher in the age of the Ideal Theatre. You need to give up the blaming, the questionings, the shaming, the denial, the excuses, the human neediness that characterises the egoic response to failure. It is now time to unseat reason (and when I say this I don’t mean just choose to be reckless- not that kind of UNreason!), and allow God to be your guide and compass. You must cede control and allow reason to step aside, and so discern what the heart of God is communicating to you. And then just do it. To the vast majority of people this is just madness, but to a true artist it is the only way. Genius has the guts to follow and obey the inner voice. In years to come the reasons for the guidance given may become clear, but for now it is vital just to trust that you know the direction you must walk, but not your destination. Otherwise you will die here waiting to be given a map that will never materialise. Keep moving in the direction God is pointing you to go, and trust that eventually you will find life and the living springs once more.

The other voice that complains and whinges to God- “You owe me. I did this for you… I did my exercises, studied for years, I learned my lines... I prayed to be able to serve you to the best of my ability… I love you, therefore you owe me” will keep you wandering in circles. You harbour the unconscious expectation that God has to be reasonable, that as long as you give Him what he asks of you you are entitled to something back. No. Your duty to God is to serve him no matter what the price, and to be willing to keep on giving, giving, giving until you're empty. His perfect wisdom has something to teach you in the anticipated desert experience, but you will not learn that lesson as long as you continue looking only for the answers in places you have already been. "I need Equity minimum... I deserve star billing... I deserve to hit that rich vein of inspiration after all the vocal exercises and meditation, prayer and Psychological gesture work I’ve done..." No. NO. Miracles are not 'fair' and certainly not reasonable!

But it’s time to grow up and just accept that life is never fair. You are not a character in a fairy tale, but never be ashamed of your calling, your vocation. You are a son of God. Give all of yourself to radiating compassion and devotion to your Source. There is no room now for yielding to fear or doubt anymore. Acting at its best replaces fear with love; judgment with compassion; separation with unity. That is your calling as an artist, and is perhaps a good definition of your deep soul purpose as a teacher and writer too. This is a very profound form of healing, and it is best achieved when you call upon the Higher Self. love transforms, love liberates and inspires, love enters into the object of its love and sees deeply, love forgives, it vindicates and encourages, it absolves and blesses us and its object. It turns its object into a thing of beauty.

Juliette Binoche, interviewed on TV last night by Alan Yentob immediately following her first night performance (alongside the Bangladeshi dancer Akram Khan) of In-I at the National Theatre, was asked if she could sum up her feelings about the work. She replied, “It’s all about giving. Love and giving.”

Uh huh.

Acting is Compassion

"I will take my rightful place on stage
and I will be myself.
I am not a cosmic orphan.
I have no reason to be timid.
I will respond as I feel;
awkwardly, vulgarly,but respond.
I will have my throat open,
I will have my heart open,
I will be vulnerable.
I may have anything or everything
the world has to offer, but the thing
I need most, and want most,
is to be myself.
I will admit rejection, admit pain,
admit frustration, admit even pettiness,
admit shame, admit outrage,
admit anything and everything
that happens to me.
The best and most human parts of
me are those I have inhabited
and hidden from the world.
I will work on it.
I will raise my voice.
I will be heard."

Elia Kazan from The Actors Vow

Inspiring as this is, Kazan doesn't mention Compassion. But I have come to understand that it is really compassion that constitutes the very core of what acting means- compassion in the sense of full identification with and courageous inhabitation of the heart-essence of another's deepest sufferings, temptations and joys. It reaches far deeper than just Connection, and far far deeper than mere empathy or pity.

Compassion is a process of going deeper into the heart and soul of another's intimate connection with God, loving that person as the Christ-self loves us. Seeing, knowing and speaking the Other's heart-truth. Acting is compassion at a very profound level- and not a mere coming-alongside and shining a light on their suffering and feeding starvation. It is going deep, deep and deeper within the other and then being their light, the living water and manna.

Neither acting nor compassion are like science; for, like poetry, they are not deemed verifiable sine qua nons in this world. Both are fuzzy concepts, defying definition, and because they are largely indefinable are easily ridiculed and derided as unworthy of serious consideration, at best irrelevant. In the eyes of the cynical and the jaded both forms of worship are just vain, empty, ego-corrupted, sentimental, if well-meaning hypocrisies. But like acting (perhaps because compassion is the very essence and meaning of acting) compassion is not pretence: it is Authentic. Not play: but Life. Not real in a measurable sense: but utterly True.

Acting/Compassion is not self-motivated ego-gratification: it is the utter renunciation of personal identity in honour of another's soul, a humble service for all souls' sakes. It is not about separation or even individuation: it is a clue to cosmic unification and fundamental connection. Not a notion, but a Way as the Quakers would say. Not presentation; not representation, but the real deal. It is never judgmental: for it embodies forgiveness, personifies it in fact. It is not grandiose, but expresses the grandeur of ultimate humility. The grandeur of man and the Creator's love unified, personified, in-corporated. It is at once intimate and universal. Compassion is His Kingdom come. Humanity nearing the throne of perfection. Man as a god. It is the living out of eternal truths hidden within and behind the collective unconscious' metaphors, archetypes and myths. The heart of what it means to be truly human. It is essential. It is the body unifying with spirit, made congruent and harmonic in truth. The invisible power of Love made visible in embodied, authentic and heartfelt action. Simple and therefore very, very difficult.

Blaarrrhhhhh....! Etc! :-)

On a slightly lighter note I just want to finish today's spillage of where my head's currently at by including a couple of quotes I came across this week. They both made me chuckle because they spoke so sagely to my condition:

You may call God Love...
You may call God Goodness...
But the best name for God
is Compassion.

Meister Eckhart


And the other is from Rex Ambler, a bio-spiritual Quaker theologian, who was responsible for the creation of the 'Experiment with Light' groups, a submovement of modern Quakerism that combines Eugene Gendlin's wonderful Focusing therapeutic process with George Fox's ideas of centering down in Friends' worship.


"I think, therefore I'm a very long way from where I am!"

Rex Ambler

True Learning is Un-learning

“It is given you to be the means
Through which His Voice is heard around the world…
Through you is ushered in
A world unseen, yet truly there.”
From A Course in Miracles- A Manual for Teachers.


I have often been guilty of befuddling my head with so much vexation about the quality of my work, hankering after some magic formula that might guarantee the arrival of the miraculous each time I step onstage. In my trying to be 'good', or at least trying to avoid being 'bad', the work usually ends up forced, intellectual, disconnected, over-complicated and mechanical. Disappointing. Unless I am prepared to surrender my fearful and limited expectations of what is possible in God, and just allow it to happen through me, (not because of me) it is destined to fail.

Why then, as a spiritual agent, a wounded healer, an ambassador for God's wisdom, do I fail so often? And what does 'failure' really mean in this context?

I have come to understand that it is the Ego that short-circuits the process. It intervenes by attempting to squeeze out grace-as if the Holy Spirit were some kind of lemon- so well-meaning and ardent you are for meaning, for truth, for beauty...The Juice!

It never ever works.

The actor cannot squeeze.

And the antidote to squeezing...? Well, you could do a lot worse than just transfer attention away from the effort to generate 'an experience'. Instead find an authenticity (born without effort) by witnessing Love flowing through you to others. As sentimental, fuzzy and utterly luvvie as it sounds, the actor's message is always, always Love. God's compassion and forgiveness is laid bare by the actor-saint's willingness to crucify the ego, to expose the notion of personal identity as a mere story we tell ourselves. We are each a fragment of the Universal Soul, and the actor's invisible rays galvanise healing through reminding us of the truth that we are as One with every other creature in God's eyes...And that we are forgiven.

But then love, especially of this perfect kind, seems so frustratingly disobedient, volatile and incomprehensibly vast. We can only begin to glimpse its immensity in contemplative stillness and a patient waiting on God. Even then, any opening requires incredible patience and courage, coupled with an unflinching faith that He will deliver us if we ask Him in all humility. We just have to accept that more often than not the magic will occur in the ways that feel less than safe or predictable. It's not that God is trying to wrongfoot the actor or the audience. It is because the audience not only have to fully engage with the actor/character's heart and mind, but actually be permitted to collaborate in his creative process for the act of holy theatre to come about. They must share the responsibility as co-creators.

This is why the ritual of Quaker meetings felt so instantly familiar to me from the start. It's the same quality of experience when I am performing with an ensemble before a 'gathered' audience as when I am allowing God's words to pass through me in ministry. I am not witnessing for me; I am speaking for, through and by means of the Holy Spirit in both situations. Everyone is present, and all sense the purity and the truthfulness of the Light in the moment. It is not me; it is not them. It's Him. It's all of us.

Of course nights in the theatre, just like Friend's meetings, can be tedious and hollow, devoid of inner life. Great theatre requires a unanimous yearning for open, honest, full and deep Communion. One has to avoid the temptation to trot out the tried and tested- reciting /hearing the text like a religious liturgy that has devalued spiritual potency-or is only relevant to one's own individual past egoic experiences. Half-heartedness, fear, self-deception, pride are all cancerous in this context. But, even without the presence of those carcinogens, pinning down the truth within the present moment can be like pinning down mist.

It can only be when the audience are connected, willing to have a rich and shared experience, that through the mist is revealed a foretaste of the Kingdom of Heaven. But for this to happen one must have no attachment to results.

The essence of theatre is in the fleeting and ephemeral nature of process, of growth.

The growth into Love.

Only Connect

E.M. Forster's novel Howard's End.

Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, And human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer. Only connect...

These words have always spoken to me about the Art of Acting, and in all my subsequent blogs I hope to explore how the actor may achieve and sustain this "connection".

The actor's purpose is an inherently spiritual one: a very high calling which requires the fullest and deepest possible connection with the text, the heart of character, the audience, the actor's own soul and heart, mind and body... with God, in fact. As a Quaker I tend to call this the Inner Light, but the idea is the same. All of us who participate in this art, believers and non-believers, are seeking and exploring the promptings of Love and Truth. I believe that this Inner Light, and our connection with it, is the creative source of all we do, and all that we are.

Unfortunately our fearful egos, our small-selves, have a tendency to interfere with the quality of this connection. We watch ourselves in the wrong way, seeking to prove our worth, make our mark in the world, appeal to false idols like fame, wealth, attention, sex, power, critical acclaim; and we seek dodgy justification for our choices in ways which stifle the still, small voice within that would entreat us to remain connected. And so we live in fragments, as E.M. Forster puts it.

No longer.

"Only connect".

The unifying principle we seek as artists, and which will make us whole again, is Love. For the essence of what we do is compassion as we merge with the universal consciousness through the process called characterisation. Spiritual teachers tell us that we cannot truly love others until we love our selves. Love your character, and your Inner Light will shine into the world.