Saturday, 18 April 2009

Natural High


So much has been happening over the past few weeks, both inwardly and outwardly, and I suppose I have been living very intensely. I wish to reflect on things a bit here and maybe tie it all together, if I can, before I return to teaching on Monday. Forgive me if any of this comes across as self-indulgent, ignorant or naïve- or all three!

I have spent the last 2 days taking part in a voice workshop led by the inspirational expert Nadine George. It’s her work that provides the foundation methodology for all voice teaching done with students at the RSAMD over the past decade by among others my friends Bill Wright, Susan Worsfold and of course Ros Steen (who was also in attendance, along with five other voice teachers from drama schools all over England), and now internationally- in the national theatres of Scandinavia, France and Brazil. Nadine’s ideas challenge many of the dogmas about the use of the dramatic voice, such as “ adequate support” and “misuse” propounded by the likes of Linklater, Rodenberg et al. By the end of the first day the majority of my fellow workshop participants looked very worried, as if Nadine were some kind of antichrist spouting vile heresies. But by the end of the two days I know we all felt immensely grateful for the way she had managed to liberate us from many of our received notions and prejudices, and had re-inspired us. I am left feeling immeasurably courageous and hopeful, aware of the possibility an infinite number of choices which I thought had been closed off to me as an artist long ago. My God, if that was just a wee taster of what I can expect to get from the Masters in acting at the RSAMD I am going to be in paradise next year!

She made me confront the notion of what an incredibly good actor I am. I have become increasingly hardened in recent years to any kind of adulation, blandishments or flattery about my work. Instead I always seek to know how I can do better, and have always felt I can do this only when I am criticised. My dear Karen often berates me for always being much more interested in getting feedback from all and sundry about my flaws and in the process making myself completely deaf and blind to any admiration from others.


But Nadine George was so inexorably positive and affirming. She somehow correctly intuited my ingrained resistance to her “Amazing!… Extraordinary… Absolutely tremendous… Bloody marvellous!” comments. My intrinsic scepticism is a peculiar manifestation of my very English, and yes egoic fearfulness of any kind of praise. My somewhat unreliable bullshit-detector was sounding its alarm bells. I have had some very ugly experiences in the past at the hands of people who have flattered my ego and then used it as a tool for manipulating me, and eventually turning against me. I have come to suffer from a deep suspicion of any kind of congratulation or commendation about what I do. I immediately suspect the motives and even the taste of people who say I am good- as some people have in the past ended up using that as an insidious form of control over me, and my feelings. So you can perhaps imagine my reaction when, after performing my Aegisthus speech from Ted Hughes’ translation of The Oreistia, Nadine showered all this praise on my ‘embodiment of the text’. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable, though I adopted what I thought was a convincing mask of gratitude. She had similarly eulogized everybody else’s progress so when she said I looked like I didn’t believe her I apologised and blurted out that I had some doubts about the reliability of her feedback.

I said, “It’s really fantastic how you provide such a supportive and lovely atmosphere in this class, Nadine. It's great, but I’m not used to it! Surely if everyone is wonderful and special then in the end nobody really is. Never mind the raptures, what I want to know is what isn’t wonderful... and what must I work on to improve it.”

She became very serious and responded very slowly, “Improve?? Mark… Mark. You want me to tell you it was shit? It wasn’t shit, Mark! It wasn’t shit. That’s the fucking understatement of the year! Christopher-bloody-Columbus!! Do you not know that? You need to have a clearer understanding of what you are, Mark, what you are capable of, my darling… I love you! I adore you!! You were wonderful. Wonder-ful. You need to know that about yourself, Mark. You are an extraordinary actor. A wonderful actor! I mean it. Do you see? Do you get me? Christopher-bloody-Columbus!!” etc…

Eventually at the end of this rant she held my gaze and leaned forward, adding quietly, “Listen to me; if you work from a level of love then miracles happen. Do you get me?”

The scales fell from my eyes.

BINGO!!!!!

Suddenly I felt like all the various strands of me came together- like the fireworks of some ecstatic religious/ or exquisite drug epiphany!

Hearing just those words chimed with so many, many things that have been percolating and bubbling below full consciousness for me about the art of acting, the art of being, for a very long time but hadn’t really pierced me as deeply until that instant. I felt my heart and mind explode and expand at the speed of light- un-chained, utterly liberated. The feeling hasn’t gone away.

Deep changes will inevitably ensue; Nadine predicted this for us all in our own unique ways. She’s no guru, she says that herself. She's just a wee woman. She’s not interested in abusing her power or manipulating anyone.


But as she said I was present at that workshop for a reason. And, my God, was she right.

The experience was quite literally unforgettable.

Nadine’s work draws on primeval, animalistic forces, the archetypal male and female energies in the voice, body and spirit. It’s not bollocks. Of course this workshop made me hyper-aware of the profound importance of all of this to Titus, and occured at precisely the right time for me as I launch myself back into acting after a year away from the stage. A divinely meant encounter, I’m sure of that.

The character of old Titus has such a disproportionate Yang imbalance, and he has to undergo the emotional and physical torment of hell, similar to old King Lear, before he can move into the Yin dimension. The voice work I did wth nadine will feed into that. But much much more than that, I know the implications of this Easter-time experience will not just embrace Titus but extend into the rest of my life work from this time on. And as completely naff as it’s likely to sound… fuck it, this was a genuinely heart, mind and soul-altering experience for me. I can’t be the same ever again. So thank you, Nadine… And thank you, God.

Regular readers of this blog will know I am, and have always been, attracted to the spiritual aspects of acting, but more and more so as I age. And having become a Quaker in the last 18 months I am convinced in my heart- in ways I can’t really begin to justify in words- that the theatre really has far more in common with religion- specifically mysticism and the sacred- than it does with ‘art’ or ‘entertainment’. Both are about the ritualistic dissolution and transfiguration of the Ego, and the reconnection with the Divine. It is not about the pursuit of joy or tranquillity- if it ever was- for that goal too has to be transcended eventually. For me it is clarity, and above all Truth that is the Holy Grail. And paradoxically I seek the path beyond the ecstasy of transformation into a state of oneness and universality where notions of human identity and uniqueness become worthless and immensely precious at the same time. That is what religion does too. (I know, I know, this sounds like wank. I can see my pal Mark Westbrook banging his poor fists off the computer screen as I write this!! Sorry, Mark!)

Actually I wonder if this is why so many actors and artists get sucked into using drugs and alcohol, because they long to experience that sense of otherness- a sense of joining together- on a regular basis, even if it is only a chemically-induced illusion, and lasts just a few hours. But somehow to me that particular way of living has always struck me as terribly selfish, a form of cheating and- not to put too fine a point on it- bloody dangerous. And the results- because they don’t actually serve anyone else but the substance-user himself- can’t ever be sustained. It’s like that analogy my old history teacher Chris Wilshire used when talking on this subject: like getting the fuel to soar in a helicopter to mountaintop rather having the determination, guts and the spiritual strength to climb it step by step under your own power. Any lasting sense of achievement, ownership or meaning is absent from the person who gets there by assisted means. Sorry but I can see nothing real about that dummy-sucking, ‘PLUR’ world, no matter what anyone says. It’s a kind of sordid and treacherous fantasy life of happiness without any true fulfilment or purpose. I’d be the last person to deny anyone their bit of fun, but when it starts to become a philosophy you think is worth defending, well then your life is spirally slowly into the pit. Thir work becomes shit. I’m old, and it’s a tragedy I’ve seen repeated more times than I care to remember to some of my most gifted and talented friends and colleagues.

But then again many have said exactly the same thing to me about what I do as an actor. "Just escapism from feelings of insecurity! For children!" So there you go! Fie diddly dee!

Other stuff to look forward to in the near future includes my production of The House of Bernarda Alba at the Eastwood Theatre, opening next week; returning to school on Monday for my last full term of teaching (ever!), developing Mamet’s Duck Variations with comedian-actor Ian Watt and director Mark Westbrook of Spartan Productions; a forthcoming audition for a major TV series set in the legal world of 1780s Glasgow; playing Titus in the mammoth Titus Andronicus opening at the Ramshorn in 6 weeks time; organising and speaking about worship at the sereis of weekly Glasgow Quaker Quest evenings, starting May 6th… Oh and of course, last but by no means least, drama school starting in September. :-)

But right now…? Right now, I am living in the blessed Nowness of the Now.

And loving it.





Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Only Once

Death either destroys us or unmasks us.
Seneca

It is nothing to die; it is frightful not to live.
Victor Hugo

These quotes may strike the reader as somewhat morbid. They’re not really.

Three or four weeks ago, a couple of days before my audition for drama school in fact, my younger brother Paul suffered a severe asthma attack. He was rushed at high speed to Kettering hospital and died of respiratory failure in the back of the ambulance. The paramedics were able to resuscitate him, thank God, and he spent the best part of a week in ICU. Naturally, Marion, his wife, along with James and Katherine his 2 kids were all most concerned- as were my other brothers and sisters- and I of course, especially being so many hundreds of miles away. But he's pulled through, and has returned to running his business, albeit working from home now.

The knowledge that my brother was seriously ill in hospital galvanised my acting in the RSAMD audition. It’s a terrible cliché but such incidents are a salutary reminder of just how precious human life is. As alarming as it was, Paul’s brush with the grim reaper jolted me out of spiritual/ creative torpor. The fact is we are, each one of us, so fragile; knowing how it can all be snatched away from us in the blink, forces one to appreciate just how dear consciousness and being is. We awaken and become intensely grateful even for the mundane and tiresome bits of existence. I since find myself thinking several times each day- What if this was my last moment; would I want to be taken now? Is there something else I should be doing, saying, thinking and feeling at this instant? If so, why then aren’t I doing that?
This urgent questioning, a sense of grappling with existential issues, already shows signs of waning, but I have made a solemn undertaking not to drift back into complacency again. To be honest, remembering I’m not immortal is actually a really inspiring thing, and I don’t want to lose that awareness.

What a fabulously liberating and useful corrective Death is~ at least the contemplation of it~ to procrastination, hate, pettiness, worry, anger, to empty abstraction, distraction and silly self-righteousness! Death has the power to make us fabulously creative too, as it urges us to be more fully present. Viewed rightly, death is surely the most precious human blessing. A beautiful gift in fact because, as Seneca says, it unmasks us. It shines a searching light on all our purposes. It makes us true. Paradoxically, it makes us more alive!

Actually Seneca is an unmistakeable influence on Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus.

Titus is a play that has a total of 14 deaths in it, most pretty gruesome -so gruesome in fact the action starts to become quite comic after a while. Many of the characters are caught up in a spiralling maelstrom of serial and macabre vengeance- including rape, decapitation, self-butchery, cannibalisation, assisted suicide, various mutilations including beheadings, people's hands and tongues cut off, etc, etc. The energy of the play moves through being celebratory, then mournful, frightening, thrilling, gleeful and even sexual, despairing, silly, sickening and ultimately quite numbing. The poetry is clear and the plot is very easy to follow. It’s a fountain of blood, and quite literally merciless. It's about the human longing for the escape from violence even while as humans we escalate it. It's about how we yearn for the Divine to inflict horrible punishment on those who hurt the ones we love.
I think it’s a great play, though modern critics and the academics don’t agree. For audiences right up to the mid-19th century it was by far Shakespeare’s most popular drama. Nowadays it is one of the least regarded. I think that's because we prefer as a culture not to be reminded of death. Its images are taboo. They would remind us that we are guilty of not really living fully. Such knowledge is scary, but when looked at unflinchingly potentially extremely empowering.

After a year away from the stage, I feel a bit like a Lazarus, if that doesn’t sound tawdry. I intend to make the very most of this wonderful opportunity.

And I feel the exactly same about the chance to go to drama school in 6 months time.

Of course I am beseiged by worries that I don’t remember how to act, but I’ll be fine.

No, more than fine~ great!

I intend to relish every single bloody moment- even when- as they surely will~ things get fraught and thorny. Anthony Hopkins wanted to give up acting and suffered depression when working on the Titus movie. Psychologically speaking it’s a hugely challenging and dark journey the character takes. I know I didn’t have a happy time when I last played him 9 years ago.

But now playing it for a second time I have to keep remembering...
You only live once!!